Jane Volturi's Diary
by hopesandpastdesires
Summary: You'll laugh. You'll cry. You'll lose 10lbs. Follow Jane Volturi as she records all the fascinating events in her life. Who said that life in the Volturi was all about blood and being evil?
1. 12th October 2009

**12th October 2009**

Dear Diary,

Marcus is really getting on my nerves. Because he walks around with a face like a grieving cod _all_ the time, I thought I might try and cheer him up (the tiniest of smiles would be an achievement) by giving my twin Alec a bowl cut. You know, where you put a bowl on someones head and cut round it. I thought it was hilarious - especially when Alec styled it so it was like a combover. But it failed to amuse Marcus.

Argh! Even Alec found it funny (and it was his hair that was ruined), and Caius somehow managed to crack a smile - crack being the operative word, I really thought his face would crack under the strain of a smile. But old cod Marcus simply glided off to sulk in his room or something.

I nearly yelled out "FOR PITY'S SAKE MARCUS, GET OVER DIDYME, SHE IS LONG GONE! MOVE ON! GET A LIFE!" But I restrained myself when I realized that Caius kill me and that would ruin the jolly mood that everyone was in after seeing Alec's new hair. Caius has threatened me with this act many times but has failed to carry it out because Aro would be mad (I am his favourite :D) - and no one wants that.

And that was my morning in a nutshell.

After lunch (two humans, both with A positive blood - my favourite) I went off to sit in my room and torture annoying pigeons that landed on my windowsill. You would think that they would get the message after a few of their mates have dropped off writhing in pain, but some pigeons just don't learn.

Anyway I was sitting in my room staring at any pigeon that dared sit on my windowsill when Alec barged in, not bothering to knock or anything.

"Oh just come in why don't you," I said as sarcastically as I could manage, but I looked at him and saw that he was wearing massive nerd glasses complete with combover, so I just burst into hysterical fits of laughter.

"JANE! JANEEE!" Alec was, for some really random reason, very excited.

"Yes?" I managed to stop laughing long enough to speak.

"Oh. OH!! This is SO AWESOME!"

"What?!" I was getting really impatient now.

"FOLLOW ME!!!"

So I did. He raced to the big stone room, and I could hear loads of voices, screams and roars coming from inside it.

As we reached the big doors, a sudden chorus of "Ooooooooooooooooooooo's" erupted from inside. Alec threw open the doors and rushed in to stand by Aro.

In the middle of the room was Felix and Demetri, both hurling insults at each other and throwing each other around the room. What fresh hell?

Felix looked up when I walked in, and gave me a big cheesy grin. "You'll help me, won't you Jane?" He said.

I gave him a confused look, but he didn't have time to respond as Demetri had just knocked him to the ground. I really didn't get what was going on. What was so awesome about throwing each other around the room? Yes it was fun, but I mean... why?

Then everything made perfect sense when I realized that Marcus was stood grinning from ear to ear next to Caius. Wow! In all my time as a vampire, I'd never seen Marcus smile. There'd been an ongoing bet amongst the Guard as to who could make him smile first, but no one had succeeded in centuries. Yet here he was!

Woah - I think Felix needs my help, he has just been completely knocked off his feet and is struggling for air (not that he needs it, but yeah) under the great big bulky Demetri.

I'll fill you in on all the juicy details later!

Ciao!

Jane Volturi


	2. 13th October 2009

**13th October 2009**

Dear Diary,

I'm currently sulking in my room. It's 1:00am in the morning (I know this because Alec has just come in to tell me. If he wasn't a vampire he'd be a Time Lord. Doctor Who - eat your heart out) and

I've just re-read yesterday's entry and it seems like I promised to fill you in on the juicy details. This I will do.

Well, I started burning Demetri with my thoughts to give Felix a chance. Whilst Demetri was writhing in pain, Felix started laughing and rugby tackled him. Then all hell broke loose.

Felix had tackled Demetri a little too enthusiatically - I say a little, I mean a LOT - and in the process had knocked grumpy old git Caius to the ground. It was quite funny actually, because everyone in the room suddenly went quiet, all waiting for Caius' reaction. Felix offered him a hand to help him up, but Caius was in a really bad mood so he slapped him (I kid you not) and started yelling.

Meanwhile, I was struggling to keep my giggles to myself because everyone around me was suddenly really serious and silent. But I just looked at Felix' bewildered expression and burst out laughing. HUGE mistake.

All eyes turned to look at me, hysterical with laughter. Caius was furious. He got up and hissed at me. I really should have stopped laughing at that point, but I just couldn't control myself.

And that was when he lunged at me.

An echo of shocked gasps filled the room. By this point, I was slightly under control and really, really peeved off by Caius. So I just looked at him (he was in mid-air by this point, sort of like a really crap action movie) and he fell to the ground.

The person nearest to me was Heidi, so she kind of grabbed my arms and tried pointlessly to drag me somewhere. Everyone kind of unfroze then, and some decided to take action.

Caius was rolling on the floor in agony, but I couldn't tear my gaze away from him. How dare he try and attack me?

"Alec! Alec! Do something, now!" Someone screeched. I was much too angry to take any notice of who was speaking. Alec rushed over to me and blocked my view of Caius. Then the knock-out mist got to me.

I collapsed uselessly. I hated the fact that Alec had this kind of control over everybody. It was strange being alone in the blackness, almost like being asleep. I hadn't been able to sleep for over one thousand years, it felt weird now. Of course I had experienced Alec's power before, but it was odd all the same.

When I "woke up" I was in my room. Alec was sat on my beanbag in the corner, looking at me warily. I groaned. "You're in BIG trouble sis," He said. "I wouldn't go out that door for a while yet, not until Caius had slightly calmed down. You can be really annoying but I wouldn't like it too much if he ripped your head off," Then he got up and stalked out.

Stupid brother who could make me feel nothing. Stupid Caius who wants to kill me. Stupid everyone. I hate my life.

A few hours later and I am still really depressed and annoyed. Alec keeps coming in to tell me the time, but I just tell him to bog off. Can't Caius just kill me now and get over it? I'm bored to death here, waiting for someone to actually tell me off and stuff.

I sound really emo now, don't I? Well I'm not going down that route, we've got Marcus for that. Which reminds me, I didn't find out what had happened before I turned up at the fight...

"JANEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!"

Uh-oh, here comes someone. They sound pretty angry, so I'm going to stop writing now. If I live through whatever is coming then I'll update you later...

Ciao (for the maybe last time...)

Jane Volturi


	3. 14th October 2009

**14th October 2009**

Dear Diary,

I survived! It's a miracle! Well not really, because my life is still really boring and gay but... yeah. Anyway, here is what happened...

Aro was the one who came to rescue me from my room (I like to call it prison, it's that god damn boring) and he wasn't angry in the slightest. In fact, when he saw me, he laughed. I scowled at him.

"Oh Jane... I," He said. Then he started laughing again. "Jane, Marcus is just..." Then he was off again. "What?" I asked impatiently. It was like trying to get blood out of a stone (which is virtually impossible. I know as I have tried this... oh come on. I'm a vampire! It's what I do!).

As Aro was snickering and snorting away, Alec came around the corner. He still had his combover, but I wasn't in the mood to laugh. "Look, what is going on. Am I going to die or not?" I demanded. It was Alec's turn to laugh now. I hissed at him. "Calm down Jane, it really isn't _that_ bad. In fact, it's downright hilarious!" Alec said before cackling off.

Oh for God's sake.

Then Aro recovered. "Caius wants to see you, but there won't be any killing going on. Well, not you anyway." Then he was off again. I walked silently beside him whilst he was practically dying with laughter. What is so funny?

Before I knew it, I was face to face with Caius. Not literally, because he is like a foot taller than me, but you get my gist.

Anyway, Caius was fuming and obviously had the mega hump. And in the corner of the room Marcus was grinning to himself and had his arm around Felix's shoulder. I noticed a bottle of Chardonnay in his left hand. Wait... vampires... can... get drunk?! Awesome! I'll deffo have to try that sometime.

My thoughts were interupted by a steaming Caius. "YOU STUPID WITCH!!" He yelled. My sensitive ears burst at that moment. Ow. "HOW DARE YOU ATTACK ME! I AM YOUR MASTER, YOUR CREATOR, YOUR... YOUR... YOUR EVERYTHING!"

"Oo-er." A slurred voice came from the corner of the room. Everyone looked over in unison. Marcus giggled. Aro snorted from behind me.

Caius, however, was not amused. He turned slowly towards his brother, taking unneeded deep breaths. "You..." He pointed a bony finger at Marcus, who pouted and started staggering towards Caius. "Yar?" He said. Then Caius did something we all expected.

Marcus, who had just been bitch-slapped full on in the face, swayed and opened his mouth to speak. "Dearest Caius... my dear Caius... Oh how you have issues!" He laughed and stroked Caius' arm. Yep, definitely drunk.

Caius was on the brink of erupting by this point.

"ISSUES?! _I _HAVE ISSUES?! YOU, WHO HAS WALKED AROUND LIKE AN EMOTIONLESS TWIT ALL YOUR LIFE, THINK _I _HAVE ISSUES?!" He yelled. His eyes were all bulgy and he was actually quite a comical sight.

And that is when Marcus slapped Caius.

"WHAT THE BLOODY HELL WAS THAT?" Caius screamed.

Marcus grinned and hugged Caius, who shoved him off. Then Marcus started singing, "I slapped a Caius and I liked it..." in a high pitched voice. And that was what set everyone off into hysterics.

Caius was beyond angry by this point, and stamped his foot before storming off.

That really made my day - that and the fact that I was still alive. Kind of.

Ciao!

Jane Volturi.


	4. 15th October 2009

**15th October 2009**

Dear Diary,

Today was Sulpicia's 1728th birthday. I don't actually know how she knows the exact number, but it's probably because she has spent all her life in the tower and has nothing better to do.

Anyway, to celebrate Aro decided to throw a massive party. He put Felix in charge of the music, which to me is a great mistake, but I didn't say so. Alec and I were given the task of deciding on a theme for the party, which was a big mistake as well. We spent the best of one hour bickering on what theme to have. Alec's heart was set on a fairytale party (I honestly question his sanity sometimes) whereas my idea was to have an 80s revival party. I thought it would be awesome because the 80s had some amazing music and it would be brilliant to see Caius dressed up as a punk. Which reminds me to tell you that Caius has not been seen since the incident yesterday. Neither has Marcus, but I think Aro has been trying to sober him up in time for the party.

Which gives me another great idea, we need to get some alcohol. I'd love to see everyone drunk.

So yeah, I told all of this to Alec, and he eventually agreed that it would be hilarious to see everyone dressed up. Well, when I say agreed, I meant that he didn't have much choice as I was torturing him with my thoughts. I love getting my own way.

We told everyone to get dressed up as punks and stuff from the 80's and everyone was actually really excited. I heard that Heidi is going to dye her pink and red especially for the occasion. Woop!

I threw myself straight into sorting out decorations and colours to liven up the big stone room. After I'd finished, Alec came in to help Felix with music, and even he was impressed. I'd put posters up everywhere with famous bands from the 80s on it and hung a giant disco ball in the center of the room. I'd also blown up loads of balloons using helium, so everyone could have a funny voice later on, and for the finishing touch I arranged loads of disco lights everywhere. It looked really cool.

By this time I only had three hours to get ready. Luckily Heidi had the biggest closet in the castle, which was full of her clothes from every era she's lived through. So if you think of how long that is, you get a massive closet.

I went into her closet and practically got lost. I had to go and get Demetri so he could help me track down some clothes. After a while of trying everything from the eighties section Heidi had in her closet (she has dedicated a whole section to it), I finally settled on the neon look. Which meant a bright neon pink tutu, lace leggings, black high heels, legwarmers (neon pink of course), a black bandeau top, fishnet yellow gloves, loads of bangles and backcombed hair. I think I looked awesome, but Alec said I looked like a tart. So I gave him a few seconds of torture for that.

But I couldn't help but laugh when I realised that he was going as a nerd. He had a light blue suit one with trousers that were too short. To complete the look he had on some tartan socks, a gingham shirt, a checked tie and some MASSIVE nerd glasses. He looked hilarious. I couldn't wait to see what everyone else was wearing.

Much to my excitement, Aro had agreed on allowing some alcohol to spice things up a bit, but Marcus was officially banned from it. Oh well.

The party starts in less than an hour now, so I'll tell you all the gossip later!

Ciao!

Jane Volturi.


	5. 16th October 2009

**16th October 2009**

Dear Diary,

That was, without a doubt, the best night of my life. The party is actually still going strong, but I had to leave early because SOMEONE decided to be a twit. And amazingly it wasn't me being the rebel this time. Although I did try out some of the alcohol, which was absolutely vile. It was like drinking toilet bleach combined with vinegar. Which is not nice.

Anyway, the whole story goes like this...

Alec and I entered the big stone room and I was thrilled to see that everyone had put some mighty effort into their outfits. The first person I saw was Aro, who was not hard to miss because he had styled his hair into a 2ft high Mohawk. And dyed the ends all different colours. He's a good sport.

Sulpicia also pulled out all the stops costumewise. She decided to go for the Charlie's Angels look, which of course meant a lycra zip up catsuit and full on flicky hair. She even had a gun, which I was slightly alarmed by because it was not what you would call subtle. It was what you would call massive. I sensed a casualty gunwise later on, but I didn't say. The casualty almost definitely being Felix, who had an afro the size of an elephant perched on his head. I am not joking.

I went over to talk to him and remind him that this was an eighties revival, not an ABBA reunion, but I was stopped in my tracks when I realised that he had an extremely tight light blue all -in-one catsuit on his person. Blimey. I had been so distracted by his hair that I didn't notice the rest of him. I decided to whistle a happy tune and walk in the opposite direction, which led me towards Caius.

Caius had officially outdone everyone comedywise.

He had a shaggy long black wig on which was all short at the top and stuck out. He also had a ripped t-shirt on which said "God Save The Queen" over the picture of the British Queen. I don't know why, because we aren't even in England, but it's the thought that counts. It was the fake tattoos and piercings that did it for me though. Caius looked up and stared at me in that staring way that he does and I was off laughing.

Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on how you look at things) Felix had glided to the DJ booth and was yelling random crap through the microphone.

"YEAH YEAH! BIG IT UP LADS AND LAYDEES COS' TONIGHT IS GONNA BE ROCKIN'!"

I knew from the moment Aro had summoned Felix to be in charge of music that it was one hell of a mistake. Because Felix was wafting his afro around (oo-er) and headbanging to the well-known classic "Mamma Mia!" by ABBA.

He kept up the chavviness (and the ABBA songs) for the rest of the night, and I think he's still going.

I will never really know because of Alec.

Which brings me to say that, in a nutshell, Alec had a bit too much to drink and started break-dancing. Break being the operative word. He broke two tables, the disco ball and a few lights. I wanted to stay to suck all the helium out of the balloons to have a funny voice, but of course I had to be the responsible one who took Alec to his room and stayed in there with them until he sobered up.

It's been a few hours since I left and Alec is acting like a complete fool. He even got his karaoke machine out and started singing "Living on a Prayer" by Bon Jovi. The fact that he even owns a karaoke machine is beyond me. But that is the mystery of brothers for you.

He's still at it songwise, and I'm still waiting for him to sober up so we can face the world again. It's so boring and gay being locked in my brother's room. It's full of boy stuff (You can leave the sarcasm for now...).

On the bright side, Heidi has promised to smuggle some balloons up to me so we can have a larf together.

Oh good. Alec has started singing "Video Killed The Radio Star" and is now doing actions. I think I might be here for a while...

Ciao for now!

Jane Volturi


	6. 17th October 2009

**17th October 2009**

Dear Diary,

I'm free! I'm free! Freedom!

I've been locked in my brothers room for fourteen hours straight. I had to stay with him until he was fully sober in case he decided to do something stupid. Have you even been locked in your brother's room for that long? Whilst he was drunk? And he had a karaoke machine?

No?

That's what I thought.

Oh what a laugh I had. Not. At one point I actually joined in with Alec on the karaoke machine because I thought I was going to die of boredom. I won't be telling you what song I was singing... oh fine. I was singing "Does Your Mother Know" by ABBA. Yes. That is what my life had come to. And I was doing the hand jive. Seriously.

Then suddenly we were doing the conga around Alec's room. A two person conga. As much as I would like to say that I'm joking, sadly I ain't.

After one million years of conga-ing I let out all of my not-torturing-anyone-combined-with-extreme-boredom frustration on Alec. And tortured him. You're probably thinking that I'm awfully cruel and evil, but please bear in mind that you haven't spent fourteen hours in the same room as your drunk brother.

It amused me for a while until I got bored and stopped. Much to Alec's relief.

He sat up straight and stared at me for a while. I thought he was using his knock out mist - which would have been a blessing in disguise - but he wasn't. He was just sat there. Staring. It was quite unnerving actually. His ruby eyes were really bright and looked kind of crazy. So I stared at him back. And before I knew it I was rugby tackled to the ground.

"Janie!" Alec cried. Then he started honking with laughter.

"Don't call me that. It's childish and immature. My name is Jane,"

"Janet,"

"No!"

"Hmmmm... Janice!"

"That has officially crossed the li..."

But I couldn't finish my sentence as he had just kind of picked me up and was spinning me round. It didn't do my stomach any favours. I could hear the blood I had yesterday morning sloshing around...

"ALEC!"

"Hello,"

"Put me down! I'll torture you..."

Then he kind of threw me across the room. His karaoke machine bit the dust. Oh well.

"Never buy a stupid dwarf. It's not big and it's not clever."

What the hell? Was Alec planning on becoming a crap comedian? I looked at him. He just laughed and said, "D'ya get it? I heard it somewhere the other day... it reminds me of you!"

Charming.

Eventually Alec simmered down and was offically not drunk. I knew this because he started asking me why his karaoke machine was out, and more to the point why was it broken?

I just tapped my nose and stalked off to hide in my room.

It is sooooo good to be back in my room. I hope Heidi still has them balloons...

Ciao!

Jane Volturi.


	7. 18th October 2009

**18th October 2009**

Dear Diary,

I'm so bored.

Heidi smuggled a few helium balloons up to my room just after I'd been set free from Alec's room. It was a good laugh actually because she told me all about what had happened after I'd left whilst constantly sucking in the helium. Her voice got higher and higher until she complained her voice hurt and sulked off to sort out her hair or something.

She is so vain.

Alec came in a few minutes later to ask me what had happened to his 'beloved' karaoke machine. He actually looked really upset. I hope he isn't on the turn.

"Jane... my karaoke machine... that... I loved that."

"That's not my problem,"

"Argh. What happened? Why is it broken?"

"In a nutshell, you got really drunk, got the machine out, sang a few songs, did the conga and threw me across the room - causing the death of your karaoke machine,"

"Aw dang. How drunk was I?"

"Erm... Off your head drunk."

At that point Heidi burst in like a flustered fool.

"WHO HAS USED MY BLOODY HAIR DYE?!"

Oh for God's sake. What is it about my room? Why does every conversation turn into a dramatic soap opera?

I just looked at her.

Her hair was yellow and green. Mostly green.

Alec forget his troubles (karaoke machine broken) and just burst out laughing. I didn't really feel like laughing becase if looks could kill, I would officially be dead.

Heidi was giving me the full on death glare.

"What?"

"IT WAS YOU, WASN'T IT!!"

"Heidi, do I look like I have dyd my hair green?"

"IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE BLONDE!"

"Do I look like I have dyed my hair blonde?"

"ARGH!"

"It's probably Felix. He's been acting rather odd lately. I think he's on the turn."

Heidi gave me a bewildered and shocked look. Oh,right...

"FELIX IS NOT GAY!!!!"

"Whatever you say..."

Then she huffed off.

I looked at Alec and he looked at me. We kept looking at each other until I got fed up. I decided to ask the question that had been bugging me since I discovered his karaoke machine.

"Are you gay?"

Alec's mouth fell open and he just stared at me.

"EXCUSE ME?!"

"I said, are you gay?"

"NO! I..."

"Oh. I see. You've decided to swing both ways? That's ok I guess. I understand. Just remember that I will always be your sister and love you no matter what path you choose..."

And that is when he snapped.

"JANE, WHAT THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU ON?! I AM NOT GAY, BI OR ANYTHING OF THE SORT. I'M STRAIGHT. GET IT?"

"Alec if you're concealing your emotions and sexuality, now is the time to let me know..."

"I AM NOT GAY!"

"Ok... but if..."

"SHUTUP!"

And he huffed off. And broke my mirror in the process. No he didn't look in it, he just threw it at the wall. Blimey, I think there's been a bit of role reversal. Usually I'm the one who throws a tantrum. Alec's usually calm and collected.

I think there is something going on. Either that or the alcohol has affected his brain. Or he is on drugs. Drugs make you do some craaaaaaaazy stuff dude.

Hmmm.....

Ciao!

Jane Volturi.


	8. 19th October 2009

**19th October 2009**

Dear Diary,

Everybody seems to hate me all of a sudden.

Heidi is still in a huff with me because of the Felix and hair dye incident.

Alec is still in a massive stress because I accused him of being gay.

Caius probably hates me because of everything that has happened. But I don't really care.

At breakfast (some fat tourist bloke who started laughing when I bit him) I even saw Demetri giving me the evil eye. Maybe it's because I hadn't spoken to him for ages. Heidi said that he said that he fancied me, but the whole idea is so ridiculous it's not even worth thinking about.

I decided to have a walk to see if I could find anyone who actually liked me.

I was just walking along one of the big corridors when I bumped into Marcus, who was moping around muttering to himself aout something. Glad to see he's back to his normal self then.

I said that to him.

"Glad to see you're back to your normal self Master,"

He just looked at me and glided off, muttering about the youth of today.

"I am not really the youth of today now am I? More like the youth of eight hundred years ago,"

But I said it quietly to myself so that I didn't get a thrashing. He probably heard it but I'm sure he'll get over it.

I decided to call a truce with Alec because it was boring being on my lonesome. I knocked on his door and just stood there. Usually I'd burst right in but since discovering his karaoke machine I'm afraid that I'll find something else in there.

I heard a grunt followed by "Bog off,"

Charming.

But Jane Volturi never gives up that easily. I took a chance and burst straight in. I looked at Alec who was sat on his bed reading a book.

"What'ya reading?" I wasn't really bothered, but I thougt I'd get the conversation off to a light and frothy start.

"Like you care. You probably think it's about how to be gay,"

I snorted. "No dear brother, of course I care about what you read and what you get up to in your spare time,"

"Jane, I am not gay. What makes you think I am?"

"The karaoke machine for a start..."

"I bet that loads of pop stars and stuff have one."

"Are you a pop star?"

"No,"

"Well then."

"Well."

This conversation was going nowhere.

"Alec I'm sorry. I just kind of, you know, had my doubts..."

"I'll give you something to doubt about in a minute."

What kind of sense does that make?

"Is that a threat?"

"Hell yeah."

"Hmph. You know who's the awesomest out of both of us."

He sighed. "Aw I know..."

I smiled at him and he smiled back.

"All you need to do know is make it up with Heidi, convince Felix he isn't gay and talk to Demetri!"

I forgot about that...

Ciao for now!

Jane Volturi.


	9. 20th October 2009

**20th October 2009**

Dear Diary,

Today was, as always, boring as hell.

Apart from when I went to find Heidi.

But apart from that my life is utter crapness all round.

So, yeah. I went to find Heidi so I could be besties with her again. But old look-at-me-I'm-so-beautiful had the hump to end all humps. Which means she was in a full on stress. And she was difficult to deal with.

She also still had green hair so she had hidden herself in her room. Which meant she was easy to find.

"Hi Heidi,"

"What do you want?"

"To be bestie friends again, like we were before."

"No."

"Why?"

"You know why."

"I don't."

"Jane, stop playing silly beggars and grow up."

"I can't grow up."

"Metaphorically."

What? She hadn't turned into some kind of poet behind my back had she?

"You haven't turned into some kind of poet have you Heidi?"

"Oh shutup."

"If that's how you want it..."

"Yes,"

"Oh c'mon. Think of all the larfs we've had. The helium balloons? Bitching about the Cullens?"

Her face lit up then. She loves making fun of the Cullens. As do I. Especially Edward. Stupid veggie vampires.

"Hm."

"Please forgive me? For whatever I've done?"

"You called Felix gay."

"What's that got to do with you?"

She looked all sheepish. Oh. My. God.

"YOU FANCY _FELIX_?!"

"I think there is someone is Australia who didn't quite hear you there Jane..."

"CRIKEY HEIDI! WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?! FELIX?!"

"Please note that everyone in this place has sensitive hearing. And news travels fast. Literally."

"Sorry..."

But the whole gist of the conversation was this. Heidi fancied Felix. Felix doesn't know. Well he didn't, until I kind of let the cat out of the bag. Which has cost me big time as Heidi made me agree to her giving me a massive make over. I hate make overs.

"You always look like a boy Jane. You need a makeover." Were her exact words.

"I do not. Just because I wear jeans and hoodies all the time..."

"Exactly. And I need to do something with your hair. Hair extensions? Probably. Your hair is in no kind of style."

"So?"

"So that means I'm giving you a makeover."

Damn.


	10. 21st October 2009

**21st October 2009**

Dear Diary,

I was going to find Felix today to talk to them and reassure him that I do not think he is gay. I'm also matchmaker because Heidi lurves Felix so I have to see what he says. It's all very childish. I told Heidi this.

"It's a bit childish, isn't it? Asking me to find out if your lover loves you."

"No. And anyway, what do you know about love Jane? Since you've had _so_ many boyfriends... OW!"

Ha. That's why you don't mess with me. Torturing people is so much fun. And more to the point Heidi was being sarcastic. I've never had a boyfriend. Not that I care.

"Serves you right. I don't want a stupid boyfriend. What is the point in them anyway?"

"There is every point to having a boyfriend."

"Like..."

"Er... let's see... you can... talk to them?"

"You can talk to anyone."

"Argh, whatever."

"And just out if interest, how long have you loved Felix? You've never told me before..."

"A few centuries..."

"A FEW CENTURIES? AND YOU NEVER TOLD ME?"

"Well it didn't really concern you."

"EVERYTHING concerns me."

"That's what you think."

And that was that. She is such an annoyance sometimes.

Anyway I was off to find Felix when Heidi stopped me.

"Oh yeah! I promised you a makeover, didn't I?"

"Er... no..."

"Yeah I did. Oh Jane, this is going to be _so_ much fun!"

And then she dragged me off to my room.

She screamed when she walked in and started hyperventilating, like a fish that you've taken out of water. If fish hyperventilate. I'm sure they do. 'Cos when I took one out of the fish tank in the lounge area it looked like it was in mortal shock. Heidi was in mortal shock now. And she was staring at a heap of shattered mirror glass on the floor.

"OH MY GOD!"

"Heidi, I don't care how many years of bad luck I've now got. I don't care. Because my entire life is full of bad luck. And anyway, I don't believe in that stupid superstitious crap."

"No I don't either... but... YOUR MIRROR IS BROKEN! HOW? WHY?"

"Because Alec threw it at my wall when he was in a huff."

"But you have no mirror now,"

"So?"

"So that means you can't look at yourself!"

"We aren't all arrogant, big headed pigs like you Heidi."

But she ignored me and started gathering all the glass pieces up together.

"Right, you get the Superglue and we can piece this together. Cracks and the ancient kind of vintage look is actually very in right now."

"I don't care what is very in. Can't you just use your mirror?"

"No because you'll probably break it."

"I'm not that bad looking."

"Yeah I know, but, you know."

"No I don't know."

"You do."

"I don't."

"You do."

"I don't."

"YOU DO!"

"I don't."

"FINE! I WILL GET MY MIRROR. BUT IF YOU BREAK IT.... I WILL KILL!"

"I thought you said that cracks are very in right now."

But she was already out of my room and huffing and puffing around trying to get her mirror out of her room. It is taller than her. That is how much she loves mirrors. And how much she loves looking at herself. I went to help her and happily said that I'd break it in half and then take it to my room. But she just gave me a tortured look and went on trying to get the mirror out of her door. It's actually bigger than her door.

I really cannot wait until this makeover (heavy sarcasm).

Ciao!

Jane Volturi.


	11. 22nd October 2009

**22nd October 2009**

Dear Diary,

I hate Heidi.

You probably want to know how the makeover turned out? I will tell you how it turned out.

Vile. Heinous. Horrific. Hideous. Crap. Gay. Weird. Stupid. (I could go on but I can't be arsed)

That's how the makeover turned out.

It's all Heidi's fault. She was all like, 'ooo' and 'ahh', faffing around me. I felt like Paris Hilton's pet Chihuahua. She started off (Heidi, not Paris Hilton - though it may as well have been. Way too much pink for my liking) with this powder thing that she was loading a fluffy brush up with. All the loose bits were flying everywhere and I could see every single one. And it was pink.

"What the hell is that?"

Heidi just rolled her eyes and tutted like she was dealing with the extremely dim.

"It's called blusher. You know - brightens your cheeks? Gives you a little oomph?"

"I don't want a little oomph."

"Tough."

Then she started attacking my cheeks with the brush. It felt weird and gay (a bit like Alec... haha! Geddit?) which was annoying. She carried on with this make-up crap for what seemed like years and much to my disgust it was all pink. Pink eye stuff.. pink lip stuff... what is the point in all of this?

"Honestly Jane, you look a doll. You really should experiment with make-up more often."

"I hate make-up."

"You don't even know what it is, so how can you hate it?"

She had me there.

Yes it was true. I didn't wear make-up. But I had a perfectly good reason for that. Over the years I have tried my very best to keep up with human technology and celebrities and gossip e.t.c., but when make-up was invented I steered clear. Mainly because I didn't know how to apply it and because I didn't need it. But Heidi was in seventh heaven.

She was now. She'd been complaining about my looks for decades now. It was all, 'You look like a boy' and 'Your hair is awful' and 'I need to do something' and 'Put some effort into it' blah blah. My answer to everything that concerned my appearance was either 'Shutup' or 'Bog off'.

I decided to not concentrate on Heidi and think about other things...

Facing Caius... oh no. He hadn't said a word since the incident with Marcus and even when I saw him at the party he just stared at me like I had three heads or something. Hmmm...

Think happy thoughts... not Caius' scary prune like face... happy thoughts... happy...

"YOU'RE DONEEE!!"

Blimey. That shocked right back into reality.

"Um... so... like... can I see how bad I look?"

"No one looks bad when I've made them over."

"I wouldn't count on that..."

"Shutup and look in my mirror. Don't touch it mind..."

Oh.

My.

God.

"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??!!"

"I know. I'm amazing. If I wasn't a vampire I'd definitely be a stylist. Which reminds me. Time for clothes!"

"I... I... I have... what is this in my hair?"

"It's called hair extensions. Keep up."

"They look like rats tails!"

"Jane stop being a fool and look at yourself. Gorgeous huh?"

"No! And.. and all of this pink crap!"

I started scrubbing my cheek when Heidi slapped my hand away. I glared at her.

"Hey... ow. OW!! GAHHHHHH!!!"

Hmph. I looked away back to the mirror and grabbed it with both hands. Then all hell broke loose. (Again)

Heidi stared for what seemed forever. Then she let out a strangled noise. Then she started sobbing tearlessly. Then she found her voice, screamed and continued to stare.

"You... broke... my... MIRROR!!"

"Oh, about that..."

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"

She turned her head slowly away from the shattered pieces of glass (there was a massive mountain now. Mine and Heidi's mirror remains were all gathered together) and glared at me. Crikey.

"Heidi it's only a mirror..."

"Only a mirror... ONLY A MIRROR??!!"

Then she snarled and launched herself at me.

We were in the middle of a massive bitch fight when Alec came in (as usual, he didn't knock or anything...)

"Laydees, laydees... LAAAAAAAAAAAAYDEEEEEEEEESSS!!!"

We both just glared at him. He held his hands up defensively.

"Oh God guys..."

"I AM NOT A GUY!!"

"Crikey Heidi, erm..."

"WHAT???????!!!!"

"Felix sent me in to say... that... you should..."

"I SHOULD WHAT??!!"

"Put the handbags down and away."

I heard a muffled snort coming from outside.

"Felix!" Heidi forgot that she was brutally trying to kill me and ran outside to see him.

Alec looked at me. He does that a lot lately. Dry eye syndrome should be coming his way soon.

"What do you want?"

"To see if you're ok."

"Do I look ok?"

"As it happens, no."

"Argh."

"What happened?"

I looked at my fake hair on the floor.

"Long story short, I broke Heidi's mirror because I felt humiliated by her makeover, she attacked me and... she fancies Felix."

Alec gasped and looked towards the door.

"I HEARD THAT!!"

And that was how Heidi Volturi fully lost her rag and kicked my bedroom door in.

Not that I'm bothered. People seem to come and go as they please as it is. The door is no obstacle in that sense.

Oh... I think Heidi is ready for Round 2 now.

Ciao...

Jane Volturi.


	12. 23rd October 2009

**I think this is one of the craziest chapters I've written. Don't blame me. Blame the three bottles of Coke I've just drank. And the Skittles. And the fact that I've just been dancing around the room to "Remedy" by Little Boots. It's a catchy song people.**

**Anyway please excuse the utter longness of it as well. I got a bit carried away... :D**

**.......**

**23rd October 2009**

Dear Diary,

I'm sat in my room. AGAIN. Only this time it's without a door so people just walk past, give me a weird look, flinch, then stagger off somewhere else.

I hate Heidi soooo much.

And I hate my room. I feel like the wives, locked up in the tower (except I don't have a door because SOMEONE *cough* HEIDI *cough*- kicked it down). What Aro was thinking when he put them up there 'out of the way' as he puts it, I don't know. Maybe he thought their hair would grow ten metres long so he could climb up it like Rapunzel? Or maybe he thought he'd lock them in there for a laugh then forgot about them, and left them there for a few thousand years? As you do?

Either way I don't care.

Alec wandered in. I felt like yelling. As much as I'd like to tell him to knock, I thought this would be a stupid idea because I DON'T HAVE A DOOR. So I yelled at him about wandering in all the time instead.

"Oh you know, just COME IN why don't you. I'm only a girl. I could be doing anything in here."

"Out of curiosity, what would you be *ahem* _doing_ exactly?"

He snorted. It was my time to stare at him for once. Ha. Stupid brother who stares at me all the time just got well and truly pwned by me.

"Alec you are disgusting."

He puffed and scrambled to get up off the floor.

"Well I am sorry if I'm trying to cheer you up."

"Oh I'm sorry, I didn't realise you were trying to be funny. Especially since you are so _crap_ at telling jokes."

"HEY! My jokes are actually pretty funny if you must know. I told a few to Demetri and he was laughing for ages."

"That's because Demetri is not a sane person. You could just say, 'Oh what fine weather we're having' and he'll be off laughing."

"Yeah but... that's not the point."

"Then what is?"

He just looked at me. ARGH!

"STOP LOOKING AT ME ALL THE TIME!"

"OH WELL EXCUUUUUUSE ME IF I HAPPEN TO BE LOOKING AT YOU. EXPECIALLY SINCE YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON IN THIS ROOM TO LOOK AT."

"Oh just shutup."

"You know what? I think I will shutup."

"You do that."

"I will."

"Ok then."

"Fine."

He is sooooooo annoying. I would have slammed the door in his face because he was hovering in the doorway. But since I have no door to shut...

"Bloody hell Jane! I swear you're getting more like bloomin' Caius by the day!"

"Do NOT compare me to that... that... that... VIOLENT STUPID BITCH SLAPPING PRUNE FACED... PRAT!!"

At which point Caius walked past.

My last words echoed around the hallway and slowly other vampires congregated at the end of the hallway. Heidi snickered. I glared at her and she stopped. Then she turned and whispered something to Felix, who was stood frozen in shock. I didn't dare look at Caius. So I looked at Alec instead.

Alec looked at me, then at Caius, then at me, then at Caius, then at his arm (looking at his watch I assumed. Which he hasn't got) and said. "Oh is that time. Well... I must dash. Cheerio!"

But before he had time to get where he "had to be" Caius grabbed him by the collar and swizzled him round. Then he picked him up and glared at him. He was right in his face. I thought about yelling out "GAY LOVE!" but I thought that now was definitely not the best time.

In any other situation it would have been hilarious because Alec was dangling about a foot off the ground whilst Caius was glaring at him and clenching his skinny hands into fists (bearing in mind that one of these skinny hands was still clutching Alec's collar).

But in this situation was not something to have a larf about.

I had a stupid idiotic moment and wandered about asking Alec if he had a wedgie.

But he looked a bit frustrated and looked like he was about to punch Caius in the face.

Then for another random second I thought there was going to be a Rocky Balboa fight and without realising I started humming "Eye of The Tiger". Very clever Jane. Very very clever.

Not.

Caius slowly turned his head towards me, fuming. His jaw was clenched really tightly together and his mouth was pressed together in a tight line. He looked like a cod that was having a bad day (I know what you're thinking. You're thinking I'm obssessed with fish. I'm not. There was just no other description for Caius' expression) and he was glaring at me with such anger that for one moment I felt a bit scared.

He's still looking at me and I'm waiting for him to say something. So...

Ciao for now. (Maybe forever, wait... deja vu? I've been in this scenario before...)

Jane Volturi.

p.s. If I die please remember me as being a jolly and happy soul.

p.p.s. Not a stressy teenage vampire who had a tendency to throw tantrums.

**.......**

**I was laughing so much when I wrote about Alec looking at his watch and Jane realising he doesn't actually have one. My mother stared at me for a while before deciding that I must be mad. **

**If you don't find my stupid sense of humour watchwise funny then I don't blame you. I blame the Cokes and the Skittles and the dancing. But oh well.**

**:D**


	13. 24th October 2009

**Humdeedum. These chapters seem to be getting longer by the minute. But I'm sure you'll all live. Hopefully. **

**And this chapter might not be as upbeat as usual because Alec is writing it (say that again?) ALEC IS WRITING IT. Because as you all know (if you looked at my profile) I love Alec very much. Not in that way. I just think he's amazing and an all round good jolly character. Although in the books he isn't jolly. But you know (no I don't know) YES YOU DO.**

**I apologize for any boringness. The cokes and skittles and dancing effect has slightly worn off. But never fear. I'm eating an éclair whilst writing this (YAY) AND I'm also eating TWILIGHT chocolates!! (DOUBLE YAY) Ha ha ha ho ho ho. :) **

**Also... I CAN'T STOP WRITING!!**

**

* * *

**

**24th October 2009**

Dear Jane's Diary,

Hi! It's Alec here.

Jane isn't dead by the way, otherwise I'd be in a much happier mood *Jane it's a joke ok? What do you mean my jokes aren't funny! Hey don't look at me like that! What? Argh, fine.*

She's huffed off because she can't take a joke.

So yeah. Jane isn't dead because I would be _so_ very depressed and I'd also kill myself (that's for Jane's benefit only. I'm not that stupid and I wouldn't be that bothered if she bit the dust either). And you probably want to know why I'm writing in her diary? Because I am.

Ha ha. No.

It's because I nicked her diary and I won't give it back. Jane gave in eventually and let me write an entry for her. Mainly because she owed me big time. But on a normal day I would have been tortured and yelled at.

Ok, so Jane told me to tell you about what happened from her point of view. I don't know how to write it from her point of view because:

a) I'm not psychic

and

b) I'm not bothered about her point of view

and

c) My point of view is much better and more interesting.

So... where to begin? I'll just have a nosy at her last entry and pick up where she left off.

So that's what she thinks about me. Hm. Accuses me of staring at her all the time? Well I don't do that! Most of the time. And it's not fair that she said that about me... I mean, I like, don't keep wandering in to her room. I don't even like her room. It's gay and pink. I only go in there to update her on everything... wait... hey! I didn't get_ that _pwned when she tortured me.

Or when she slapped me.

Or when I pretended I had to be somewhere and Caius picked me up. That wasn't fair because it wasn't my fault Jane called him names.

And for her information I did have a wedgie.

It was bloody painful.

And I was frustrated.

So yeah. You want to know what happened? I punched Caius in the face because I was in a great deal of pain. Oh c'mon. What would you have done? Dangled there with a full on wedgie? Looked at your pretend watch and pretended you had to be somewhere (again)?

Exactly. It was quite cool actually. Finally taking out my built up frustration on Caius.

Whilst saving Jane who was stupid enough to start singing that song from that old crap fighting film. Cocky Bilbo? No. Hang on a minute... Rocky Balboa. Meh. Same difference.

And yeah. Caius was well pissed off with me so he slammed me against the wall. I wasn't aware we had an audience until I looked over his shoulder and saw Demetri's beady eyes widen in mock horror. He grinned at me and gave me the thumbs up. Then I didn't see anything else because Caius had slapped me in the face.

Then a full on fight erupted.

So did Jane. She was still humming that song and was now singing the lyrics. And people joined in. Which gave the fight a comedy edge. That is what I like to think.

To give the fight an even more of a comedy edge (yes I really am that hilarious) I held my fists up and punched the air whilst Caius stood fuming where I'd thrown him.

The whole shabundle of vampires had gathered at the end of the hallway. Even Marcus looked slightly amused. Then Aro came up to us with a whistle wearing a black and white referee shirt.

Wait... that comes later.

Oh fine. He didn't have the shirt.

Or the whistle.

Much to my disappointment. *No Jane I am not gay. I just thought it would be amusing, that's all* (Yes she has returned to see what I have written - it's quite disturbing having her peering over my shoulder to see.)

Ok... the fight carried on with hisses and growls and punches and kicks and slaps (please note: I don't do slapping. I am not a wuss) and curses and "Yee-hahs" an so on.

Then Aro came.

"You took your bloody time mate." I heard someone say.

"Yes, well I thought I'd let them get going. A fight is not a fight until the people involved are in full on fight mode. If you see what I mean."

No I don't, to be honest with you mate.

"Alright alright, it's nothing to mess your hair up over now, is it dear Caius?"

Aro came over and put a hand on each of our shoulders.

_That really isn't funny mate_. I thought.

"It is."

_No. Just... just no._

"Oh yes."

_Hm. I was enjoying myself until you came Master. I thought you would make my day by turning up in a referee outfit, but you seem to have disappointed me._

"I was thinking about it."

_Ah well. Look at Master Caius' face. He looks constipated._

Aro laughed and looked at Caius. Who was not impressed by our telepathic conversation. He seemed to be trying to have one (oo-er) with Aro, but Aro was determined to make him speak aloud.

"Dearest brother. Why not speak aloud?"

"Why should I?"

"Because."

"Because what?"

"You sound like a child Caius. Speak aloud dear."

"I'm not a dear. Stop being so God-damn enthusiastic all the time Aro. It is just ridiculous."

"There we go."

"There we go what?"

"Stop being childish and apologize to Alec."

"Apologize to... APOLOGIZE TO ALEC??!! I?? ME?? HIM?? APOLOGIZE?? WHAT??!!"

"Say sorry."

"This is ridiculous Aro. You know full well from my thoughts that this idiot here does not deserve an apology of any kind. He deserves a kick up the ass, yes. But not an apology."

"He does."

"He does not."

"He does."

"He does not."

"He does."

"He does not."

_Master, are you going to start singing "Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better?" because if you do, please alert me now. I hate musicals. And also Jane will start joining in because she loves that song. And she'll do the actions._

"I have no intentions of doing so Alec."

_Good._

"Well. Um. Caius, why don't you go off to calm down in your room. I think it'll be best for the safety of yourself and others, yes?"

"No."

"Caius."

"Aro."

"Go."

"No."

"Oh for the love of... Jane and Alec, go to your rooms. Actually Jane, go with Alec. Because your door has been... damaged slightly..."

Everyone turned to look at Heidi, who frostily glared at everyone back.

"Oh and you lot can shoo as well. Nothing to see here."

Everyone grumbled and moaned but did as they were told and went their seperate ways.

And that is the whole scenario in a very big nutshell (oo-er).

Cheerio!

Alec Volturi.

P.S. I think I should write my own diary actually. It would be quite cool. I dunno. Maybe. We'll see.


	14. 25th October 2009

**25th October 2009**

Dear MY Diary,

I finally have my diary back. I bet you were all upset and depressed when Alec took over...

What do you mean no?

Ok Ok... Alec's entry wasn't that bad. But it is never again. Never. Ever.

I did read through his entry and it was really gay that he made out he was the big 'I Am' and the hero and everything. Because he really wasn't that good. He blew everything out of proportion. And he says I exaggerate.

How rude.

So basically all he did was punch Caius and then Caius owned him by kicking him and slapping him and so on.

And I was just stood there, minding my own business, singing "Eye of the Tiger" at the very top of my voice.

Yes that was all.

And we didn't even get in trouble for anything. Caius got all the blame and Aro laughed when he discovered what I'd said about Caius. That is how much he likes me.

I feel loved.

But not by Heidi.

She's still giving me the cold shoulder about her bloody mirror that no one gives a damn about. Even Felix (her new "boyfriend") said she was over-reacting. But it's only because I started singing 'his favourite song ever' that he stuck up for me.

"Oh my God Jane, I _actually_ love that song."

"Oh my God Felix, do you _actually _love it."

"Yeah it's like, the song of my life."

"Awesome."

"Innit."

He is becoming more of a chav by the minute. If he starts wearing crap baseball caps backwards and gets a tracksuit or shellsuit I will be worried and might eat him.

Actually I won't eat him. I don't think he'll taste very nice.

And Heidi will officially blow her top. If she gets in a massive stress about a mirror. Could you imagine her when I eat Felix?

I can't.

Actually I can. And it ain't pretty.

Hm. Everything seems to be back to normal in the Volturi household. Apart from Heidi. And Caius. But apart from that everything is absolutely spiffing.

And on the bright side (actually... more like the dark side I guess... where I belong. Muahahahaha) it was raining in Volterra. Which means we can venture outside without sparkling! Yayy! I was very excited because I wanted to go shopping for some things. New clothes I guess... more hoodies to annoy Heidi with (ha!). I think Heidi was also annoyed when she found out I was planning on going shopping with my dear brother Alec instead of her (double ha!). That's what you get for being in a massive stress about a mirror.

So I asked Aro and he said we could go out as long as we wore some contacts. I agreed and then he buggered off to talk to Caius about life. Or something. I am not bothered because I am free! Free of prune face (Caius) and look-at-me-I'm-a-big-headed-vain-vampire-who-is-obssessed-by-mirrors (Heidi). So all is well.

I felt rather giddy with joy so as soon as I was outside I danced around a nearby lamp-post and sang "Singing In the Rain" - much to Alec's disapproval.

"You look like a fool."

"So do you - all the time - but I'm not complaining."

"You are. And you do."

"You know what I'm on about."

"I might. But anyway. On to shopping."

"'I've never known a boy be so entusiastic about shopping."

"You do now."

"Indeed. Anyway. Enough of that. I need some new clothes... I think I've got it!"

"Got what?"

"To annoy Heidi even more I'm going to rival her wardrobe."

"What?"

"You heard me. I'm going to get some clothes enough to rival her wardrobe and make her come running to me, begging me to borrow them."

"Erm..."

"What kind of clothes... hmmm... what are modern day celebs wearing nowadays? I know! What about that blonde one? Sings that really cool song... you know the one that goes... 'just dance, gonna be ok... du du du du....'"

"No."

"You do know. Her clothes are awesome!"

"No."

"What is she called? Lady something... Lady... Gogo? Gugu? ....GAGA! Lady Gaga! I'm going to dress like Lady Gaga!"

"No."

"Oh yes matey."

"No."

But he couldn't argue with me anymore because I was off skipping towards some posh shop that sold some pretty wacky yet awesome clothes. I went in and this woman stared at me with her mouth hanging open. Then she got her act together and spoke.

"Hello Madam. How can I help you?"

Argh. Human... blood... wait. Must think human thoughts.

"Hi. I'm looking for some clothes, like Lady Gaga style?"

"Of course. Are you dressing up as her for Halloween?"

"No."

"Oh. I see. Well, we have a few items that may be suitable to what you're looking for Madam. Here we are."

She showed me this whole rail full of awesome stuff. Sparkly hotpants. Leggings. Catsuits. Dresses. Leotards. Great!

Alec, meanwhile, was stood hovering at the door, dripping wet. The woman looked over at him, forgot about me and went dilly-dallying over to him.

I grabbed as much of the awesomeness as I could and chucked it on the counter. The woman looked round when she heard me crashing around and looked slightly shocked.

"Can I buy this please?"

"I... er... oh... of course! Of course!"

I payed for everything and lugged my millions of bags out of the shop.

"Jane."

"Alec."

"Jane, them, I mean, Lady Gaga, is, slightly... erm... how do I put this?"

"Spit it out."

"Her style is not what you would call normal."

"Who are you to tell me about style? Are you Gok Wan* are something?" I looked him up and down. "No, you aren't."

"Look Jane, people don't really wear that kind of thing."

"She does."

"Oh God. Did you get the hint when that woman said 'Are you dressing up for Halloween'?"

"I don't care. I like it and I will wear it. End of."

He shrugged his shoulders and walked along beside me in silence.

Some people have not style.

And don't say that I don't. Because I didn't. But I do now.

Ha to everyone.

Ciao!

Jane Volturi.

*Gok Wan is a British stylist who is awesome but slightly obsessed by naked people. Hence the name of his show - "How to Look Good Naked". And he is awesome. Nuff said. :)


	15. 26th October 2009

**26th October 2009**

Dear Diary,

I am extremely satisified with my new wardrobe. I think it oozes quality and style.

Alec doesn't seem to agree.

"If you want to look like a complete prat, then you do that. Just don't come running to me when everyboody else says the same."

Then he stalked off to find Demetri. To "impress" him with some of his "hilarious" jokes. I do worry about him sometimes. About his sense of style. I mean, shirts with jumpers over the top? With rolled over cuffs? What kind of fool wears that in this day and age?

I'll tell you what kind of fool wears shirts and jumpers. My brother.

Idiot.

So, enough about him. On to my wardrobe. It is bootiful. I decided to shove my hoodies and jeans to the back of my wardrobe for 'lazy days' (which is practically every day. But oh well) and fill it up with all my new lovelies. You know, I don't think I've ever been bothered about style before. But oh how that has changed! I've been missing out on a lot. And it's all thanks to Heidi (who I still hate) that I have found my inner fashionista.

I got dressed for the day and pulled on some lace leggings, a silver sequin skirt and a black 3/4 length sleeved vest. And to complete the look - heels and a big red bow Alice band. Oh how I look amazing! I bet Lady Gaga envies me.

I walked out of my bedroom door (yes! I have one!) and staggered - no, I mean, walked gracefully - along the hallway. Santiago came out of his room and looked me up and down. Then he wolf-whistled.

"Ay up Jane. You off out?"

"No Santiago, I am not 'off out' as you put it, I am simply walking around the household to see what everyone is up to these days."

"Okey doke."

Then he winked at me and walked in the opposite direction. Hmm... he is very odd. I don't know what it is... but the name Santiago brings to mind the jolly old song of "In the Jungle, the mighty Jungle, the Lion sleeps tonight...". I might have to tell him that his name reminds me of a lion. I'm sure he'll be flattered.

And if he isn't... well.

Which reminds me. I haven't tortured anyone for a few days... I'm having withdrawals.

Hum dee dum. La di da. I felt strangely happy today and skipped around the castle until I bumped into Aro who, as ever, was hyperly enthusiastic.

"Jane!"

"Yes Master?"

"Just the girl I'm looking for. Well, you see, I'm here to assign you with a mission."

Then he hugged me. As you do.

The moment he hugged me was the moment the theme tune to "Mission Impossible" popped into my head. He laughed but didn't let go of me. Hmph.

"That sounded slightly cheesey I guess."

_You always sound cheesey Master._

"Thanks for that dear! Well, I believe there is some trouble... with some newborns in Seattle. And... the Cullens.

My next thoughts are really too rude to be written here. So I'll just skippety skip to the next part.

"So I thought you might like to go along, and do what you do best."

"I will."

"That's all good then."

"Tis'."

Some idiot had created some newborns and doddered around with them so that they were now killing anyone and everyone in Seattle. And the Cullens wanted to step in.

Stupid bloody veggie vampires.

So now we were off to see the Cullens and the newborns. Hooray! (Not)

On the bright side I'll be able to kick their arses.

But I might not kick their arses with my heels.

I think I won't take my newfound style over there, because I truly am too stylish for them people.

Ciao.

Jane Volturi.

**Yes! You noticed (maybe)! This is set during Eclipse! Whey hey!**

**Because I wanted to send Jane off on a holiday somewhere but I was lacking ideas. So I used Eclipse instead! Muahahahaha.**

**But I will edit the scene which is Volturi vs. Cullens so it has a slightly more comical and hysterical edge. Because it was all too serious for my liking. And Edward might even start attacking Jane with his handbag! You never know.**

**:)**


	16. 27th October 2009

**I am in the exact same mood as Jane in this (although not because I got banned from dressing like a tart) because I am back at school. Hooray! Not.**

**And so this chapter was written whilst I was bored out of my mind and fed up.**

**And it has cheered me up immensely (if that's a word...)**

**Because it is full of silliness.**

**I hope you like silliness.**

**:)**

**27th October 2009**

Dear Diary,

We are on our way to meet the Cullens. Oh yesh.

And we have to go slowly so no humans will see us. I hate going slowly. Because going slowly means we have to put up with Felix. And putting up with Felix means chavness and crapness all round. And it also means Alec will join in and start telling his el crappo jokes.

"We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz!"

"Shutup Felix."

"Jane stop being a moody cow and listen. Can you hear the songs of the birds? The wind in the trees? The wild call of the animals? Listen..."

"I can hear the wild call of the animals. I can hear it because there is a wild animal among us. And do you know who that wild animal is?"

"Who is that wild animal Jane?"

"You."

"Aw Jane, c'mon. You've been in a massive stress ever since we set off. Why?"

"Why do you think?"

"Erm... is it because you aren't allowed to dress up like a prostitute anymore?"

Alex snickered behind me. I turned around and glared at him.

Yes it was true. Prune face (Caius) had officially banned me from wearing my new wardrobe anywhere. Because he said I looked like a tart and a slag and that was Heidi's job (yes he did actually say that. I laughed when he said that but prune face just slapped me and went on) and that it attracts unwanted attention inside and outside of our lovely place we call home. He also said I was too young. Which is ridiculous. I am over eight hundred years old!

But the whole gist of it was that I am not allowed to wear my new wardrobe. It's back to jeans and hoodies for me. I stropped off but could only be in a strop for ten minutes because we were setting off for Seattle. So I couldn't even have a full on stress. But the good thing is that I can take out my stressiness on Felix.

"For your information Felix, I did not dress up like a prostitute. I was in fact being fashionable. Which judging from your outfit today (a chavvy tracksuit underneath his cloak), you are lacking in the fashionable department. So I suggest you shut your fat gob. Unless you want my fist in it."

"I'm glad the Jane we all know and love is back."

"I told Aro it was a bad idea to be frozen at a teenager. She's still hormonal." Said Corin, who had been silent up until now.

I actually hate him. His hair is really long and gay and it looks like a mop has been plonked on his head. And his fringe is so long I'm surprised he can even see where he is going.

"SHUTUP CORIN!"

"See what I mean?"

"I ACTUALLY HATE YOU CORIN. WHY DON'T YOU GET A HAIRCUT, AND WHILE YOU'RE AT IT, GET A LIFE."

"Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo... harsh."

"I'll give you harsh in a minute."

And I turned around and tortured him. Felix flicked his fingers, punched the air and then put Corin in a headlock whilst he was being tortured. Corin's hair was in demented hamster mode. It was moving and bouncing around. So I stopped burning him and laughed.

Corin staggered around (still in Felix' headlock) and kicked Felix in the face with his foot. Don't ask me how he managed that. But somehow, he did. Then he scuba dived headfirst into a tree.

And he was stuck there. His head had punctured the tree so it was slowly falling. And Corin's head and hair was still in it. I think he gave up trying to get of the tree because Felix doddered along and kicked him in the back. Then Corin was free of the tree. But the tree was not free.

It was dead.

"TIMBER!!!" Yelled Felix, just as the tree popped it's clogs and went crashing into another tree, which went crashing into another tree, and so on. It was like watching Domino's with trees.

"Oh well done Corin, Felix. If the tree huggers society come running along now, the finger of shame will be pointed only at you two."

"We can eat them."

"I'm not thirsty."

"I am."

"Oh, whatever."

Felix seemed quite proud of himself.

"I thought that was pretty awesome mate."

Then he high fived Corin and they both started yelling chav crap at each other.

"What do you want, a medal?"

But my hilarious act of sarcasm was ignored by everyone. Because the tree huggers had arrived.

Oh no.

Oh yes.

"SHIT MAN!" Felix started flapping around and in the process knocked Demetri - who unlike everyone else, had remained completely silent throughout everything - to the ground. And he was not pleased.

And he kicked Felix where the sun don't shine.

This is why you should never hang out with boys.

Unless they're hot.

And I know you're going to start saying, 'Ooo, but Jane, you said you didn't want a boyfriend.' and so on.

Because I don't.

I just pointed out the obvious.

And now the tree huggers were advancing on us like some crap slow motion movie.

And they hadn't seen our eyes yet.

Oh well.

They'll live.

(They won't.)

Ciao!

Jane Volturi.

**Also... this chapter is silly because I'm listening to a silly (in a good way) song. Over and over. The silly song is "We Are Golden" by MIKA.**

**And it's awesome and mood uplifting. **

**:D**


	17. 28th October 2009

**I LOVE NERDS!**

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**28th October 2009**

Dear Diary,

We might actually get where we want to be sometime next year. If we're lucky.

Want to know what happened to the tree huggers? There were about five of them. And they were all as short as me. And they were all nerds. Honestly.

The first person to speak was this nerd kid who was a boy. He had absolutely massive glasses on, extremely bad acne, and goofy teeth. His hair was just beyond ridiculous. It was extremely short and swept to the side, a bit like when I style Alec's hair. Only Alec's was much better. At least it wasn't asymmetrical. He also had a shirt with the top button done up and his tie tied up really tightly (alliteration much?) and it was tucked into his trousers which were clearly too big for him. They came up to his armpits.

He cleared his throat and spoke in a tone that only the very geeky would use.

"Ay, I, well... hello there gentlemen."

It was my turn to speak.

"I am not a gentleman. I am a girl."

He looked very bewildered.

"Oh I... I... I'm exremely sorry miss, I... I... I just thought..."

"Well you thought wrong then, didn't you?"

"Oh yes... well... it appears that... you have destructed these trees."

"Yes it does appear that way. But it wasn't me. It was these chavs standing to the right of me."

The nerdy boy's neck stretched up to look at lanky Felix. It was like little and large.

"Well, erm... you chavs..."

"Oi mate. Who you calling a chav?" Felix butted in.

"I... gah. Um. You I guess. That's what she said."

"I don't care what she said. Me name is Felix."

"I... pleased to meet you... Felix. I'm Darren."

"Look let's skip this nicey nicey crap and cut to the chase. What do you and your little team of tree huggers want?"

'Darren' clearly couldn't see any further than a foot in front of him with his glasses on. Because he clearly could not see our eyes. But his little chum, this girl who had pigtails and freckles, did.

She gasped.

"You... you... you... you have... red... eyes..." And she lifted a shaky finger to point at me.

"Congratulations."

"Bu... bu... but... is... is it natural?"

"It's about as natural as a peanut butter sandwich." Alec said. What kind of sense does that make?

"I mean... are you... are you albinos? You're all very pale... and you have cloaks... to protect you from sun?"

"No. Halloween has come early for us, you see. These are contacts. And this cloak, well, we're all dressing up as death for Halloween."

"Oh... I see..."

Then Darren recovered.

"I see."

"You don't see. You wouldn't be able to see if it slapped you in the face." Oh for the love of... Alec is absolutely crap at being funny.

"Alec shutup. Sorry Darren, what is it you want? About the trees?"

"Oh yes... I ... well..."

"Spit it out."

"These trees are protected by us. We adopted these trees..."

But Alec was not finished.

"Do they have names?"

"I... I... yes. Yes they do."

"Can I hear them?"

"Well... that one is... I mean was... Bob, then there's..."

"Oh just get on with it. What are you going to do to us? Make us join you? Give us a nerd make over? Come on Darren, what's our punishment?" I said.

"I... um... you'll have to... I dunno really."

"That's helpful. Well, since you don't know, let's head off. I'm sure you'll get over the trees someday. Ciao for now!"

"I mean... wait. WAIT!"

"What?"

"You'll have to replant the trees..."

"We have lives."

"Yes I know... but... so do we..."

"I find that hard to believe."

Darren blinked and stared at me for a while. Then he swallowed. It seemed he swallowed something he was chewing, because he then started coughing and spluttering.

"DARREN! Oh no... oh NO! He's choking on something... quick! Quick! Jane, grab him from behind..." Said a fellow nerd.

So I grabbed him from behind. And at the same time the girl with pigtails ran over to him. We both looked at each other.

"You... you're a Jane?"

"I'm Jane."

"Jane?"

"Jane."

"But I... Jane..."

"Yes. Jane."

"We... we're both Janes?"

"YES!"

"JANE!"

Then she hugged me. And it was a three way hug. Because I was still holding onto Darren. Who was still choking to death. And I was being hugged by a nerd who shared the same name as me.

Then Felix lurched to life.

"Quick! Quick! End Darren's suffering... Jane?"

"I think I've hugged him too hard."

I let go of Darren and he dropped to the floor. Obviously unconcious. Jane looked at me (no I don't mean I looked at myself. I mean that my new friend Jane was looking at me) and screamed.

"VAMPIRES!!"

"Yes that's what we are for Halloween..."

But Jane had grabbed my hand.

"Freezing... white... icy... red eyes... dark cloaks... strength... beautiful... red lips... VAMPIRES!"

"How much of Harry Potter have you been reading lately?"

"HE'S A WIZARD!"

"It gives you some funny ideas."

"VAMPIRE! YOU'RE A VAMPIRE!"

"Oh for.."

But I had no time to finish my sentence as one of the nerd brigade had just thrown himself at me.

"BITE ME BABY!"

So I did.

And that was the end of life as we know it for the nerds.

I know you are probably crying or dying or something. But I had no choice.

And I was suddenly thirsty.

And they somehow knew our secret.

And Felix enjoyed himself.

"SMACK THAT SISTAA!!" He was yelling.

And that was that.

Ciao!

Jane Volturi.

* * *

**R.I.P. Nerd Brigade. I love them and I'm glad that I brought them into this story. I hope they are in a happier place now. Tree heaven? I think so.**

**I also had to remind everyone of Jane's evilness so that is why they were bitten.**

**And I wrote this story whilst in a silly mood listening to Mamma Mia! by ABBA. **

**Oh yes.**

**:D**


	18. 29th October 2009

**29th October 2009**

Dear Diary,

Oh my God.

Is that the Cullens I see before me?

Of course not Jane, don't be silly. We've only been travelling for three days. And we're only vampires who could get to where they want to be within an hour or two. What makes you think we'll be anywhere near the Cullens? Why not throw in another day while we're at it? Just to add to the utter longness of this trip.

Oh good. Now I'm talking to myself. Just what I needed.

Oh wait, it is the Cullens before me.

Blimey.

And I thought I'd never see the day.

As soon as we were a few metres away from Carlisle and co. I stopped and Felix crashed into me like a fool on legs. This does not help our evil and serious appearance. Nor is it professional. So I just ignored him like he was invisible and looked around.

This girl sat by the fire immediately got on my nerves. I hadn't even heard her voice but I automatically hated her.

Edward cleared his throat and opened his mouth to speak. Then he closed it. Then opened it again. Then he closed it again. A bit like a crap goldfish (I AM NOT OBSESSED WITH FISH. OK?!). I felt like doing the Can-Can to lighten the mood, but I remembered just in the nick of time that I had a serious and professional persona to keep up. So I narrowed my eyes at him.

"Jane..."

"Edward..."

"Jane..."

"We meet again."

"Yes. Yes we do."

"Indeed."

"Mm - hm."

Then he nodded his head at me. I glared at him and felt an overwhelming desire to slap him. But I am not Caius so I settled for torturing him instead.

Bella looked bewildered and started to say something, but then she shutup. Then a big bulky balding fool spoke.

"What did he do?"

"YOUR MOTHER."

"FELIX!"

"What?"

"SHUTUP."

"Why?"

"BECAUSE."

"Because..."

"BECAUSE I SAID SO. AND BECAUSE WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE EVIL AND SCARY... AND BECAUSE YOU HAVE OFFICIALLY RUINED OUR REPUTATION."

"Oh I'm sorry. I like to lighten the mood."

"I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU LIKE. JUST SHUTUP. NOW."

"At least I don't dress like a prostitute."

Alec joined in then.

"At least she isn't dating a prostitute."

"I AM NOT A LESBIAN." I butted in.

"I never said you were. I was just saying..."

"HEIDI AIN'T NO PROZZIE." It was Felix' turn to yell now.

"NEITHER AM I!"

"Well then."

"WELL WHAT?"

"Well don't say that she is one."

Alec was nowhere near finished. He did that crap thing that 'girls with attitude' do. You know the one. Where you flick your fingers about and say...

"Na-ah-ah sista."

What he said.

This whole fiasco was becoming a complete and utter shambles. The Cullen family looked very very very bewildered.

"ANYWAY. Felix just shutup and stop being gay. Alec stop acting like a complete cock."

"HEY!"

"ALEC - JUST... SHUT... UP!!"

And I looked at the girl by the fire. She was shocked, to say the least.

"Like, who are you?"

"Your worst nightmare."

"ALEC!"

"Sorry..."

"Erm... I... like... what is your like, names and stuff?"

Oh brilliant. She was a airhead.

"Stuff our names. What's yours? Paris Hilton?"

"No but I wanted to be like her. She is like, my inspiration in life. I love her. And I guess it's a pretty good thing to be like, a vampire and stuff. Because now I'm more beautiful than her. Which means she can be like, my best friend and stuff. Which is good. 'Cos I think she's awesome. We can go shopping and stuff, and compare who has the smallest chihuahua. Ain't that great?"

"You'll probably eat her."

"I like... wouldn't...."

"What is your name?"

"Bree."

"As in that cheese? The blue one?" Felix butted in.

"That's blue cheese Felix. And what are you on about anyway? How did cheese end up in this conversation?"

"I like cheese."

"Well that's all very well and jolly for you Felix."

"Tis' indeed."

"Right. So. Bree... you know you're like, broken the law and stuff?" I thought I'd speak in her language (Paris Hiltonism) so she would understand.

"Have I really? Like, wow! That's so awesome..."

"No it isn't like, really that awesome. In fact it is so unawesome that you'll have to pay the like, price and stuff."

"Like, how much?"

I decided that I had enough. So I tortured her. Then Edward recovered.

"You don't need to do that Jane..."

"Silence lezzie."

"But I..."

"Silence."

"I..."

"Silence."

"Ok..."

"Silence."

"Edward is my boyfriend!" Bella interrupted. How rude.

"Do I look bothered?"

"Um I guess... not."

"You guessed right."

This was never going to end if I didn't act fast. So I got Felix to kill the Paris Hilton wannabe and then I slapped Edward in the face.

Suddenly he got his handbag out.

And I am not joking.

It wasn't your average handbag, either. It was Mary Poppin's bloody handbag. It was HUGE.

And he hit me with it.

So I ruffled his hair (it would only infuriate him) and he hissed at me.

Handbags and hissings and hitting each other.

We kept on in this way until I got bored and wanted to go home. Well what I really wanted was to kill Bella, but that was not humanly possible (geddit? 'Cos she is a human... haha! No? Fine. Be that way) so we cleared off to go home.

And we didn't even do what Aro asked us to do.

All because of Felix.

Ah well.

Ciao!

Jane Volturi.

**THAT is how Eclipse should have gone.**

**These chapters get sillier and sillier. **

**The next one will be back to normal... I promise. I'm just in a giddy mood. And school sucks all of the inspiration for writing out of me. But I still do it! :)**

**I also don't hate Edward. Nor do I believe he owns a handbag. This was written from Jane's point of view and Jane's point of view ONLY. Not mine.**

**Okey doke?**

**Also..**

**iPuppyDogFace wrote in a review that I should keep telling you all the songs I listen to when writing these chapters... so I will! Heh. :)**

**The song for this chapter is... "22" by Lily Allen. **

**Thanks for the reviews everyone! I love reading them all!**


	19. 30th October 2009

**If nothing makes sense to you later on in this chapter, then I suggest you read my other story 'A Day In The Life of Alec' then all will become clear. ;)**

**Also.. the song for this chappie is "Relax" by MIKA. (Cheesy but awesome.) ;)**

**Because that is what Jane needs to do.**

**:D**

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**30th October 2009**

Dear Diary,

I am ever so glad to be home.

In my room.

AGAIN.

Is this what my life has come to? Hanging around in my room waiting for someone to come and amuse me? Just as I thought that Alec came bursting in. I give up on asking him to knock now. Because he doesn't listen, he just do as he bloody well pleases.

"Hola chummy."

"What do you want? And why are you so cheerful?"

"I am cheerful because you aren't. Come on Jane, crack a smile, there's a good girl."

"What in the name of arse are you on about?"

"I really don't know. But anyways, I have come here to..."

"Yes?"

"I dunno really."

"That's good. Why don't you bugger off now and leave me to get on with my life."

"Because you have no life to get on with. You need to get out more."

"I do have a life. And I can't get out anywhere because it's always so sunny."

"You know what I mean."

"I don't. And I don't want to know. What do you want from me?"

At which point Felix doddered along into my room and onto my beanbag.

That is it. That has took the final biscuit.

I threw my hands up in the air.

"WHY DO YOU ALWAYS JUST WALK IN WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE IT? I MAY AS WELL NOT HAVE A BLOODY DOOR. I SHOULD HAVE TOLD ARO TO LEAVE THE DOOR OFF. BECAUSE EVERYBODY IGNORES IT ANYWAY, IT'S ONLY THERE TO, YOU KNOW, GIVE ME A LITTLE SOMETHING CALLED PRIVACY. BUT THAT PRIVACY IS IGNORED. WHY? WHAT IS SO GREAT ABOUT MY ROOM? AND MY LIFE? WHAT DO YOU PEOPLE WANT FROM ME?!"

"Settle down Jane."

"YOU KNOW WHAT? I WAS SETTLED DOWN. SETTLED DOWN IN MY ROOM. _MY_ ROOM. RELAXING AND ENJOYING LIFE. BUT YOU HAVE IGNORED THAT FACT AND JUST WANDERED IN. BOG OFF WILL YOU!"

"Geez, Jane, we're only trying to help..."

"I don't need your help."

"I think you have a temper problem. Maybe you should see a doctor. Or something."

"I do not need to see a doctor."

"You do."

I got up off my bed and shoved past Alec out of my room. If they love my room so much they can stay there. But it seems they don't like my room. Because they both got up and followed me down the hallway. And they were both really close behind me. I could hear Alec's breathing on my hair. I stopped and they both crashed into me. Then I didn't see anything else because Alec had just cut off my senses. Why?

The next thing I knew I was in Heidi's room. With Heidi. And we just looked at each other, Then I knew everything.

"ALEC! FELIX! I KNOW THIS WAS YOU!"

I heard a snort and Felix said,

"Yeah innit mate."

"Felix you've just ruined the whole plan. Idiot."

"Oh... soz mate. Didn't realise that... ya know?"

"No."

"FELIX!! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'VE DONE THIS TO ME." Screeched Heidi.

"Aw Heidi... I'm sorry I called you a tart... you were like, asking for it. Kinda."

"I wasn't. Just because I was bitching about Jane..." Then she looked at me and slapped her hand over her mouth.

"W-w-w-what?" I couldn't believe it.

"Er... what... erm... what nice weather we're having today..."

"YOU WERE BITCHING ABOUT ME?"

"YOU'VE BEEN BITCHING ABOUT ME!"

"NO I HAVEN'T!"

"YOU HAVE!"

"NO... YOU ARE SUCH A BITCH HEIDI!"

"A bitch is a female dog. A female dog barks. Bark is on trees. Trees are part of nature and nature is beautiful." I heard Felix say from outside the door.

"WHAT ARE YOU ON?"

"YA MUM! Check it!" Then I heard him punch Alec's fist.

"GET OVER MY MUM. SHE PEGGED IT HUNDREDS OF YEARS AGO."

"Naw."

"Shutup Felix. Right... Jane. Let's sort out our differences in a pleasant and mature way... ok?" Heidi looked at me. Blimey. I think she actually meant it.

"Urgh. Fine..."

"Aww I thought there was going to be a huge kerfuffle of a catfight." Said Felix.

Heidi and me just looked at each other.

"He is such a chav." I said.

And that is that. Heidi and me are besties again. Felix and Heidi are dating again. And Alec got his well deserved punishment from me. A few seconds of torture and a punch in the face.

So all is well again.

It's Halloween tomorrow. We're having another massive party. But this time there is no alcohol because Aro is in charge of everything.

I have no idea what to wear.

"Why don't you wear your hooker clothes?" Alec had said.

I heard Demetri is dressing up as a giant donut.

I donut believe it.

Ciao!

Jane Volturi.


	20. 31st October 2009

**31st October 2009**

Dear Diary,

I have officially seen everything.

I walked past Alec's room only to find his door was open and he was on the floor. With a giant pink donut on top of him. It was hilarious, to say the least.

Alec seemed to be really baffled, well I can't say I blame him, I mean, who does want a giant donut on top of them? I couldn't actually see his face. All I saw was Demetri struggling to get up because he was wearing the largest donut in the world. I don't think it was edible - not that it was to my taste anyways.

So _that_ was his costume...

"Demetri would you just move. I can't see a bloody thing."

And then I was off having hysterics. I couldn't help myself and I...

I didn't know anything that happened after that because Alec had cut off my senses for the second time in two days. What is the point?

I recovered on my beanbag and Alec was sat on my bed, howling with laughter.

"Woop-ee-doo. You made me blind and deaf for a few minutes. That really is a side-splitter Alec."

He didn't say anything. He just pointed at my (new and improved gift from Heidi) mirror.

"Good to see you've finally caught sight of yourself Alec. Quite hilarious."

"No... Jane... look... look in the mirror... a... at yourself..."

What?!

So I did.

I screamed.

Had I grown a handelbar moustache over a few minutes? Got a new pair of glasses? Grown a goatee? Grown whiskers? Freckles? What in the name of arse was going on?

Then I got it.

"OH MY GOD ALEC!"

Alec was practically wetting himself with laughter. I touched my cheek and checked to see if any of the black stuff had come off onto my finger. It hadn't. Then out of the corner of my eye, I saw a black marker pen on the floor.

"ALEC! TH-TH-THAT'S A SHARPIE! IT'S PERMANENT!"

That only made him laugh even harder.

I don't think I have ever been more angry in my life. I fully lashed out at Alec. I'm surprised he still has all his limbs.

I had launched myself at him (leave it) and knocked him off my bed onto the floor. Then I tarted (tarted... TARTED? I mean started) STARTED punching him and so forth. That brought him back to his senses. He shoved me off and tackled me to the floor. I was awesome at fighting so I totally won. Much to his dismay.

When I stopped, because I wanted time to sulk and try and get the permanent marker off, Alec got up off the floor and started rearranging his hair so it didn't look any more crap than it does normally.

"Christ on a bike Jane."

"You are a fool Alec Volturi. I only have a few hours to get ready for the party, I have no idea what to wear, and now I LOOK LIKE A MAN!"

"As I said before, go as your "idol" Lady Gaga. You don't need to remove your newfound face for that."

"She isn't a man."

"Just saying."

"You have ruined my life."

"Jane, it's only permanant marker..."

"Oh yes. OH yes. Because that makes everything better doesn't it? It's only _permanant_ marker... there is something about the word permanant... but I don't know what it is... that makes me think that... IT WILL NEVER COME OFF!"

"You don't need to be so melodramatic Jane. I'll get you some soap and you can get scrubbing."

"How about you GET OUT OF MY LIFE while you're at it."

"You don't mean that."

"Don't make me do something that I'll regret a million years from now..."

"Fine. FINE! The soap is officially on it's way..."

And with that he whizzed out of my room to sniff down some soap.

He is, without a doubt, the biggest twit I know. And that is saying something. Because I know quite a few of them *cough* Felix and Demetri *cough*.

And now I am sat here with a pair of permanant glasses on.

Complete with freckles and a goatee.

Not forgetting a huge moustache.

I feel a bit like the Nerd Brigade we met on our travels.

Should I run off and create my own little nerd group? Since there is not a snowball's chance in hell that this stuff will come off.

Also it's the party in a few hours.

Dammit.

Ciao...

Jane Volturi.

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**Once again, R.I.P. Nerd Brigade. Forever in our hearts... Never forgotten. :)**

**QUICK NOTE: The first part of this chapter is replayed in full in Alec's own diary. So if you get confuzzled, maybe you should take a look... ;)**

**Song for this chapter is... "Bad Romance" by Lady Gaga. It's not totally related to this chapter but it's addicting and it has the word revenge in it. Which is what Jane wants. Revenge on Alec.**

**Next chapter tomorrow! May add a few more since it's a Saturday!**

**:D**


	21. 1st November 2009

**A/N:**** Hello! Sorry I didn't update yesterday, I was busy and I wrote the "Eternal Fires" story instead.**

**This chapter is extra long because I'm going on holiday from tomorrow (Monday) to next Sunday, so there won't be any updating until then. :'(**

**But anyways, here is the 21st chapter (woop!) and the song for this chapter is...**

**"Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)" by Beyonce becausee... well you'll see why if you read it! ;)**

**Thankies for all the reviews everyone! I love reading them all!**

**:D**

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**1st November 2009**

Dear Diary,

I have got the ultimate revenge on Alec. Ha ha! It was a hilarious revenge, really. I think he enjoyed it weirdly and gayly enough...

How did I get my revenge?

The Halloween party of course.

Well, the Halloween party turned Halloween Talent Contest. Why did it turn into a talent contest? Because Aro thought it would be a huge larf and a half.

Which it was.

Much to my relief the soap worked wonders and getting the not-so-permanent marker off my face. I actually got through three bars of soap because I scrubbed too hard and so I broke it in half. Ah well.

Then Aro announced that he wanted to have a "Talent Contest" and told everyone that they had to make up a dance or sing or something.

Much to my embarrassment Demetri said he was going to be singing a High School Musical Medley.

In a donut costume.

That was absolutely ginormous.

And he was doing a dance.

I've said it before and I vill say it again.

I donut believe it.

So anyway, to get the ULTIMATE revenge I persuaded Alec to let me dress him up for Halloween. And I had a brilliant idea for his talent contest entry. I told Heidi about it and she said that she'll make Felix do the same, but Heidi refused to join in herself because she wanted to sing that wailing song, "I Will Always Love You" By Whitney Houston.

And yeah, I dragged Alec to make-up headquarters (a.k.a. Heidi's bedroom) and got Heidi to do him up (OO-ER). I struggled immensely to keep a poker face through the makeover process but I somehow managed it.

"Heidi, what the hell are you doing to my face?" Alec asked Heidi, who was in make-up heaven.

"I'm putting make-up on it."

"I know that, but why? I didn't ask to be a drag queen."

"It isn't you who decides what you are dressing up as for the Halloween talent contest. So shutup and stay still."

Alec shot me a worried glance but I ignored it.

"That colour is so you Alec, it really brings out your complexion." I said.

"I don't want my complexion to be brought out."

"Tough."

He groaned but Heidi slapped him because he made her mess up on his eye make-up.

I couldn't hold a straight face any longer so I went off to learn the dance moves to our talent contest entry. I bet you are dying to know what we did for our entry.

Well, Alec (a.k.a. Alexandra) and Felix (a.k.a. Felicity) had no idea we were giving them a drag over until I came into Heidi's bedroom wearing a black leotard, fishnet tights and heels.

And I had two extra leotards, fishnet tights and heels in my hands. Both for Felix (I mean Felicity) and Alexandra.

"Jane, you look like a hooker." Felix *ahem* FELICITY said when I walked in.

"If I look like a hooker, then you are in for a huge surprise when you see yourself."

"OH MY GOD!"

"What are you doing to me Heidi? What is going on?" Alec said.

"For our entry in the talent contest, we are all - apart from Heidi - going to be singing and dancing to 'Single Ladies' by Beyonce. Shake those booties boys!"

"Oh no."

"Oh yes matey."

"You can't do this to me."

"I thin you'll find that I will, and I have. I know the dance moves and the song off by heart. I'll teach you it when Heidi's finished giving you a drag over."

And with that, I chucked the outfits at them and scurried off to find two matching wigs.

Jane Volturi does not do "revenge" subtly.

When Felicity and Alexandra were ready, I taught them the dance moves and the song. Thanks to our vampire ability to memorise everything quickly, we were ready in no time.

I have never seen anything more hilarious than my twin brother and Felix shaking their hips in heels and leotards whilst singing along to "Single Ladies". In matching wigs with mini beehives on them. Not forgetting a ton of make-up.

When all three of us walked in to the big round room, everybody stared. Some wolf whistled. Marcus looked so bewildered I could not put into words. Caius' permanant scowl twisted until it was a full blown grin.

"Looking fine there Felix." Afton winked at him and went over to punch his fist and do all the crap stuff that boys do.

Our dance, was, without a doubt, the best dance of the night.

When we staggered on "stage" I heard Alec muttering behind me.

"You will pay for this Jane. I'm not letting this drop."

I ignored him and resisted the urge to look behind me. Because if I did, I would only burst into hysterics.

Then the music started.

"All the single ladies! All the single ladies!" Step to the side, wave arms about, wiggle, step to the other side, repeat.

"Now put ya hands up!" Jump, kick to the side and put both hands in the air.

"Woah oh-oh woah oh-oh-oh-oh!" Bum wiggle, hands out in front, sophisticated turn, repeat.

"If ya like it then ya should of put a ring on it." Step, tap, step, tap, step, tap, point to ring finger, repeat.

"Woah oh-oh woah oh-oh-oh-oh!" Full on body wiggle and hands on hips,circle hips for a bit.

"All the single ladies! All the single ladies!" Wiggle to the side, jump kick, repeat.

"Now put ya hands up!" Hold hands up in the air, rotate hips.

"Woah oh-oh!" Sophisticated turn and dramatic head flick.

Then Felicity's wig fell off.

Then I burst out laughing.

Then Alec doddered around behind me and fell off the stage.

Then I laughed even harder.

The audience, who had been frozen in shock throughout our entire performance, burst into a spontaneous applause. Mainly because I had recovered from laughing and was glaring at them, but I like to think it's because they loved our performance.

That is what I like to think.

The rest of the acts were pretty crap. Apart from Aro's, who got on stage, got his banjo out and started strumming away to "Two Little Boys" by Rolf Harris. That was quite the side-splitter.

The same could not be said for Demetri, who sang that crap song from High School Musical, "What Time Is It?" And started doing the caterpillar. Please bear in mind the fact that he was in a donut costume. So the caterpillar became an epic fail.

And that was the Halloween Party turned into Halloween Talent Contest.

We won of course.

Our prize?

We had to throw pumpkins at Caius.

Well worth dressing up as a prostitute for, don't you agree?

Ciao!

Jane Volturi.


	22. 2nd November 2009

**Yes! I am back! We actually came back on Monday so I've been busy unpacking e.t.c. e.t.c. blah blah yeah.**

**Song for this chappie... "Say Aha" by Santigold. :)**

**Hope you likey this new chapter! Sorry for the delay... :(**

**Hahah I am so behind date wise...**

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**2nd November 2009**

Dear Diary,

Corin has had the official haircut of life.

He also has the official mega-hump of life.

But you can't have everything. So here is how it happened... I walked up to him and asked him in a polite and kind manner... oh fine.

"Corin, you have more hair than sense. You're ambling around like a blind bat, you cannot see a bloody thing."

"Sight is like, so over-rated." He said.

"You are beyond gay and ridiculous."

And with that I huffed off and away to come up with an excellent plan.

And would you like to know what that excellent plan is?

Nothing. That's what it is.

Until Alec came blundering in to my room without permission as usual. Then I had a flash of inspiration.

"Alec... you know you love me..."

"I still haven't forgiven you Jane. I am humiliated beyond words."

"Well if you are humiliated beyond words, why are you talking to me now? And more to the point why are you in my room if you haven't forgiven me?"

"You just don't get it, do you."

"No I don't get it. I don't get why you are ALWAYS IN MY ROOM."

"Oh shutup."

"How about no."

"How about yes."

"No."

"JANE! Stop doing that. It's childish and immature."

"So's your face."

"Damn you."

"See? I am so much funnier than you..."

"Hmph."

"Oh c'mon. That dance was a huge larf and a half, and Demetri should be more humiliated beyond words than you after his little donut episode."

"Fine. What do you want? Why do I love you?"

"Becaaaaaaaause..."

And then I told him my brill plan, and he even perked up slightly. Then we went to find Corin and Alec used his groovy cutting off senses thingy.

Muahahahahahaha.

"At least he won't feel when you cut his head open." Alec said.

"That is like, sooo unfair. I happen to be very careful with scissors as it happens..."

"Coming from someone who gave me an asymmetrical bowl cut, I'm not quite sure what to say to that."

I ignored him and went about cutting Corin's hair. It is honestly like Marge Simpson's. I bet he hides things in there when he runs out of pockets. If I find a DVD or a book or something, I will not be surprised. Another comparison is that "It" off the Adams Family (if you don't know what "it" is, I suggest you Google it).

At which point Felix came chavving in wearing his jeans around his ankles. Not literally, or I' be very tempted (oo-er) to give him a wedgie, but you know what I mean.

"Yo. 'Sup?"

"Felix why are you wearing your trousers round your ankles?"

"Cos' it's well sexy innit. And anyways, it's around me thighs."

Good Lord.

"Close enough. But if you want to show off your Superman underwear so much, why don't you just call it a day trousers-wise and just amble around in your underwear?"

"Oh yes, you would like that wouldn't you Jane?" Alec said.

"I wouldn't I'm just pointing out a fact. And more to the point, you'd like it even more."

"I am not gay."

"Suuure. So Felix, why?"

"Cos' it's sexy."

"That's what you might think, but does Heidi agree?"

Silence.

"That's what I thought."

"Ya mum."

"Oh for God's sake, get over that saying. It's getting old now."

"So's ya mum." Alec joined in then, then punched Felix' fist.

"Alec. You do realise you just offended your own mum as well?"

"Whatever."

By this time I had been so distracted by chavs that I hadn't realised I was absent mindedly cutting Corin's hair.

He was bald.

Felix and Alec burst out laughing, then Corin came to his senses.

He ran his hands through his "hair", then he gulped, then he screamed.

"WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU DONE TO MY HAIR?!"

"Swearing shows a lack of vocab..." I started to say.

"I DON'T GIVE A DAMN. MY HAIR! MY BEAUTIFUL HAIR!"

I decided to take action and try and make him feel better.

"You know, I never realised before, probably because I couldn't see your face, but you and Felix actually look-a-like."

"Ay, you and my arse look-a-like." Felix butted in.

"That is absolutely vile."

Corin turned around, seething.

Ciao!

Jane Volturi.

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**Ooooh I just love Alec. He is just so amazing.**

**I will post the next chapter soon enough, I just have a lot of homework (.) to do. Believe you me, I'd much rather be writing this...**

**:D**


	23. 3rd November 2009

**Hmmmm... I'm not thrilled by this chapter, but I'm not thrilled with life at the moment. I am so bored. :(**

**Also! I researched the name Alejandro and it is a Spanish/Italian variation of Alexander. And since Alec is Italian, and Alec is short for Alexander, I thought that Alec's full name should be Alejandro!**

**Fine. It's because I wanted my new favourite song ever to be involved with this chapter. It still works though. :)**

**You guessed it... maybe. "Alejandro" by Lady GaGa. I want to buy her new album now because it's annoying listening to the song on YouTube and keep rewinding it...**

**:)**

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**3rd November 2009**

Dear Diary,

Hum dee dum. La di da.

I am so bored...

"Remember, remember, the fifth of... October!"

What fresh hell?

"Felix you are a complete and utter prat. It's remember, remember the fifth of November. Do you know how people remember it's November? Because it rhymes with 'remember'." I heard Alec say.

"Well I am sorry."

"You will be."

"Meh. I heard Aro is havin' a huge bonfire mate. You coming?"

Oh no.

I.

Don't.

Do.

Bonfires.

Alec wouldn't betray me by going along to a bonfire now would he?

Oh yes he would.

"Oooo yeah mate, sounds like a hell of a lot of fun."

"Awesome. I'll get some sparklers."

"Sparklers are for children."

"So? They're well good."

And with that Felix chavved off and Alec came into my room (*sigh*).

I just looked at him and narrowed my eyes.

"What?!"

"Don't you 'what' me."

"I just did sistaaaa!"

"Alec stop being a chav and listen. Since when did you like bonfires?"

"I... oh... about that..."

"Yes. About that. I'll tell you since when you liked bonfires. Since, like, NEVER."

"Oh c'mon Jane, that happened yonks ago. Surely you can put the past behind you and go along to watch a pile of wood burn."

I shuddered.

"I'll buy you a sparkler..."

"I don't want a bloody sparkler. I am not going to that bonfire and neither are you."

"You aren't my mother."

"I don't care, I'm your sister and you do as I say."

"I don't! I'm two minutes older than you... GAHHHHHH!"

"THAT is why you do as I say, Alejandro."

He hates it when I use his full name. Muahahahaha.

"Shutup... JANIE!"

"That's not my full name, Alejandro. My full name is Jane. So you just got..."

"JANICE!"

"Not even close."

"Janet?"

"Nope."

"Janette!"

"Epic fail."

"Hmph."

"You just got pwned, Alejandro!"

"SHUTUP!"

"Look. Pleasey pleasey please can you stay here with me for Bonfire night? It will be fun because we'll be all aloney... don't look at me like that you sick-minded child, I _meant_ that we can sneak around everyone's rooms!"

"Ah I see where you're going here..."

"Great minds think alike!"

"Well mine does..."

"HEY!"

"Wait... I have a good idea, why don't we go into Felix' room and steal all of his clothes and replace them with your hooker clothes!!! The chav will no longer remain!!"

"That is such an amazing idea. I'm so glad I thought of that."

"Don't take credit for my ideas. It's rude."

"So's your face."

"Do you want me to stay here for Bonfire night or not...?"

"Fine. FINE! I'm sorry. But we have to play a trick on Caius somehow... I will not rest until I have got full on revenge for everything."

"You will be resting when he finds out."

"Ah.. but he won't!"

"Genius!"

"I know I am."

"Well... I'll stay here for Bonfire night, on one condition. Just please don't call me Alejandro?"

"But it's your name Ale..."

"Alec."

"Ale... Ale... Alec."

"Thanks. Bonfire night here we come!"

And that is our plans for Bonfire night.

I feel so evil.

I _am_ evil_._

!

Ciao for now!

Jane Volturi.

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**"Don't call my name! Don't call my name! Ale-Ale-Alejandro!"**

**I'm obsessed with that song...**

**I also promisey you that the next chapter will be MUCH more exciting. I just felt really bored and tired today and I also felt the need to write and update Jane's diary. Bear with me here people!**

**P.S. THANKIES FOR 45 REVIEWS! I LOVES YOU ALL! *HUGS***

**:D**


	24. 4th November 2009

**Song for this chapter: "Rabbit Heart (Raise It Up)" - Florence + The Machine (Weird but awesome - a bit like Aro) :D**

**WARNING: Absolutely ridiculous randomness ahead.**

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**4th November 2009**

Dear Diary,

I think Aro is on drugs.

Honestly.

He is just too weird and happy all the time. It's downright ridiculous.

The other reason I think he is on drugs is because of our *ahem* 'conversation' earlier today. All I wanted to do was see Alec so we could discuss our evil plan for tomorrow night. But could I do that? Of course not, don't be silly. Aro only had to "accidentally on purpose" bash into me so he could talk to me, didn't he?

"Janeeeeeeeeee!"

"Master."

"Oh there you are! I didn't see you!"

I was standing right in front of him.

I said that to him.

"I was standing right in front of you."

"Bahahahahaha! Don't be silly."

"I'm not being silly. I'm being as serious as a serious thing here. You bashed into me so how could I not be in front of you?"

"I'm not quite sure, but if anyone could do it, you could."

"What?"

"Don't fret, pet!" Then he snorted and patted me on the head. I just blinked. I was confuzzled beyond words, this conversation was making no kind of sense.

"Or maybe, just maybe, you are simply too small for me to see you!"

"It's not my fault I'm small."

"Oh but it is."

"Not really."

"Oh yes."

"No."

"Yes!"

"Master, are you talking to me simply because you want to insult me or are you here for a reason?"

"GAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I DIDN'T... I... I'M SORRY! SO SO SORRY!"

"It's ok. I forgive you..."

"NOOOOOOOOOOO! NOT YOU! NOT YOU! SHE'S BACK! BLOODY HELL IN A HANDBASKET, SHE IS BACK!"

"What in the name of arse are you on..."

Then he grabbed my arms and chucked me over his shoulder and started running.

"RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! RUN! RUN! SHE'S BACK! TO HAUNT ME... TO KILL ME... TO KILL EVERYONE!! EVACUATE THE BUILDING! RUN! RUN FREE... AND WILD... AND..."

"Oo-er."

"FELIX!! RUN! TAKE YOURSELF AWAY FROM THIS HELL-HOLE... SHIFT! C'MON! EL SHIFTO!"

Felix looked like a bewildered bee in (chav) trousers.

"What are you on about mate? Who's come? Why are we running? Why is Jane upside down?"

I tried to speak (unsuccessfully) then. "I... I... ger... ah-guh-guh-oo-ee."

I couldn't get my words out properly. You would understand if you ever have been thrown over someone's shoulder who then started running whilst you were hanging on for dear life whilst thumping against the person who was running's back.

But I very much doubt that you have ever been in that kind of situation.

"Jane, what is going on?" I saw Alec's face from upside down.

"I... oggy-goo-gee-haa-oh-ow-OW!"

Aro had let go of me and I was lying on the ground like a fool. So I scrambled up to talk to Alec.

"I haven't got the foggiest of ideas what that was all about. Aro saw someone or something, got scared and ran away, with me on his shoulder."

"Blim. He didn't look in a mirror did he?" Felix said.

I looked at Felix with what I like to think was a sarcastic face (what's a sarcastic face when it's at home, Jane? Don't even ask, because again, I don't have the foggiest of ideas) then looked around. We were outside (Really? Well I never).

I watched Aro bob off into the distance, waving his arms around like a jelly and yelling "DIDYME!!"

Oh... OH OH OH! Didyme. He had "seen" Didyme. Please bear in mind that Didyme is in fact dead and has been for a squillion years.

Hallucination?

I think so.

Felix and Alec looked at me.

"Drugs make you do some CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZY stuff dudes." I said.

And that is the story of why I think Aro is on drugs.

I will investigate further when I venture into his room (leave it) tomorrow night. I'm a bit scared about what I might find in there. If I find a leopard thong then I'll tell you this for free, I'll be out of this madhouse faster than you can say "LEOPARD THONG!"

Ciao!

Jane Volturi.

**Hum-dee-dum.**

**"LEOPARD THONG" sprang to my mind after remembering an episode of the hilarious show "Benidorm". If you are confuzzled out of your dear little minds, don't worry. Google it instead. :)**

**This is just a load of randomness that came into my head, that I thought might actually make a good chapter for Jane's diary. I'm quite hyper today, due to the fact I've just had a Blueberry Slush Puppie, so please don't yell at me for writing in an insane way.**

**Which also brings me to say... 50 REVIEWS! Omg. That is a lot to me. To say I started this in October... Thankyou all! **

**:D**


	25. 5th November 2009

**"Dance in The Dark" - Lady GaGa inspired this chapter. ;)**

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**5th November 2009**

Dear Diary,

Hello. This is Jane and Alec Volturi reporting live from the Volturi household on Bonfire Night.

Oh yes. We are all aloney on or owney. Everyone else is in a field a few miles away 'ooooh-ing' and 'aaaah-ing' at a crap bonfire. They're all dressed up like twits as well, all wearing massive puffy coats and hats and gloves and scarves, which are all completely unnecessary. We don't even get cold for God's sake.

Aro tried to drag Alec and I along to the stupid bonfire but we kept our distance (meaning we spoke to Aro from across the room because we didn't want him to touch our hands, therefore revealing our groovy plan).

"Master, there is not a snowball's chance in hell that I am going to watch a pile of wood burn. It is a crap celebration celebrated only by crap people who have no lives to speak of." I said.

Aro, who is getting crazier by the minute (and had to be dragged back by, you guessed it, me, when he ran off into the distance yesterday) simply laughed and said,

"Beggars can't be choosers." Then he cackled off.

Which makes no sense. But then again, Aro doesn't make sense.

So now we are all aloney in the big Volturi household, with loads of tricks up our sleeves.

First up, Felix.

I grabbed all of Felix' chav clothes and replaced them with my hooker clothes. Then I burnt his clothes on the fire in the loungey area. Muahahahahahahaha. No more chavviness for now! If Felix wants to show off his "Superman" underpants so much, then he can now _really_ show off his "Superman" underpants!

Next on our list was Caius. I hadn't been in his room for yonks, which is just as well really, as you can't swing a bloody cat in here. There is stuff everywhere!

Then Alec found something so dodgy that I would be throwing up if it were possible.

"Oh my giddy aunt. How much do you think Dora the Explorer knows about this?"

(Dora = Athenodora. It's just that her name is so damn long, and do you get the hilariousness of the 'Explorer' bit? No? Honestly. It's called sarcasm people. Right, she never goes out anywhere, she just sits in the same old room. Hence the sarcasm of 'Explorer'. Look, I have a heavy book in my hand that I'm going to throw at you in a minute if you don't shutup and get the joke. Geez people.)

So ANYWAY. Yes.

"That is not what I think it is."

"It is what you think it is."

"Oh my God. I feel dirty. And sick."

"So do I."

"Why do you feel sick? You're gay as well, aren't you?"

Then he threw the magazine at me. It landed in my face on the pullout of two gay men without their tops on.

Yes.

It was a gay magazine. Not the gay as in, 'Omg you are like so gay and weird', gay as in... GAY.

Now I have nothing against gay's, it's just that... well, please bear in mind that we are in Caius' room.

Who is married.

And also is the owner of GAY magazine.

This is what the world has come to.

Alec was having the full on hump and I was so distracted (oo-er) by the magazine that I forgot what we had actually come in the room for.

Then we heard a massive bang. Then a crash. Then someone cursing. Then the light flickered and went dead.

Everything went black.

Vampires may have good eyesight, but I still don't like being in the dark. I could make out Alec's body shape and stuff, but I couldn't see anything properly.

"HOLY CRAP! What in the name of arse was that?" I yelled out.

"Jane? JANE! Are you alive? Are you still here? Are you dead? Jane... JANE!"

"For God's sake Alec, what are you rambling on about? I'm right here you fool. Do I sound very dead to you?"

"Oh right. No, not really."

"That's what I thought."

"That was creepy."

"So's your face."

"Ya mum."

"Ya mum on toast - oooooooo - that was smooth."

"Jane that was crap. Seriously, what was that noise? Why is it all dark? Mmmm... I hate the dark."

"You are such a wuss and twit and a fool."

But I was a fine one to talk as I have to admit, I'm pretty scared of the dark too...

Then we heard footsteps coming down the corridor, along with heavy breathing. I felt like crying so i fumbled around, tripped over a few GAY magazines and wigs, until I found Alec. I hugged him and started whimpering like an idiot.

I couldn't help myself.

Alec was really scared too.

Everyone else was alive at the bonfire, waving sparklers around and watching fireworks.

We were the only ones here, with only Caius' GAY magazines for company.

This was, without a doubt, a crap situation.

And there was someone coming for us.

It was dark.

And I think I just trod on a dead budgie.

Ciao...

Jane Volturi.

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***CLIFFHANGER ALERT! CLIFFHANGER ALERT!***

**Is this the end for dear little Jane? What about poor little Alec?**

**Who is that random weirdo? Is it Edward, seeking revenge for being beaten up by Jane, after failing with his handbag? Is it Bella who, being the clumsy klutz she is, tripped over and damaged the electrics, and somehow happened to by passing by the Volturi household in Italy? As you do? Or could it be Bree, back from the dead? Or maybe, it's a random stray off the street who thought he'd stop in the Volturi household for the night?**

**Who knows?**

**Who cares?**

**I do. And you might too. **

**Maybe.**

**:O**


	26. 6th November 2009

**This chappie is dedicated to the lovely xXVampireGothXx, who gave herself an injury after reading the last chapter. Sorry about that! **

**This is also dedicated to the rest of my lurvely lurvely reviewers, who are amazing and continue to read this even though it is getting more bonkers by the minute. But as long as it gives you all a larf, I am very happy! *hugs every single reviewer***

**Song: "Sweet Dreams" - Beyonce. ;)**

**:)**

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**6th November 2009**

Dear Diary,

I am in mortal shock right now. I think I may have broken something (because I tripped over a bloody dead budgie in Caius' room. What normal sane person has a dead budgie in their room, I ask you? Well since Caius is neither sane nor normal, no one) but I am lying on my beanbag and I refuse to get up. Alec had to carry me back last night.

Alec is currently vibrating and is giddy with laughter on my bed.

So I'll pick up where I left off, shall I?

Okey doke.

I was clinging on to Alec for dear life, and he was scared too. I could sense it.

Then I trod on something hard and furry and felt even more scared (it could have been anything. We were in Caius' room, after all).

Then the footsteps and heavy breathing came nearer. Darth Vader sprung to mind, but I was in no mood to laugh at it.

Then like something out of a crap horror movie the doorknob rattled and shook until eventually it burst open. I was blinded by a torch that was being shone in my face. I glared back at the torch hoping to give it some pain. And I failed. Epically failed.

"FOOKING 'ELL - SHITEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!"

Then the torch fell on the floor and I could see everything.

Felix was on the floor in a parka so large it looked like it was made for an elephant out of a duvet cover.

Then I was so giddy with relief and shock that I looked in a mirror.

Leave it.

And for your information it didn't crack or break or smash, I was just staring too hard and started torturing myself.

It bloody well hurt.

Alec came to his (crap) senses and grabbed me from behind and threw me across the room so that I landed under the bed. Don't even ask.

Then Felix chavved into life.

"Oi!"

"Christ up a tree Felix. You nearly gave me a bloody heart attack!" Alec yelled.

"AS DID YOU!"

"What are you doing? Sneaking around in the dark? Why did you come into Caius' room?"

"More to the point Alec mate, what in the name of arse are you doing in here in the first place?"

"Well..."

"Why are you here though Felix?" I said from under a pile of *ahem* magazines.

"Who said that?"

"Who do you think."

Then Felix shone the torch in my face AGAIN so I was blinded once again.

"Oh Jane."

"Oh Felix."

"That's off that cat food advert..." Alec attempted (and failed) to lighten up the mood.

"No one gives a flying fuck Alec." Felix said.

"Someone might."

"I don't."

"ANYWAY. Why are you here Felix?" I interrupted.

"Yeah, like why are you here?"

"Why not?"

"But like, why are you here?"

"FELIX!"

"Why are you in here?"

"Because!"

"Because what?"

"Just... just BECAUSE!"

"That is a crap excuse."

"You are a crap excuse for a vampire Felix. Why are you in here? Why is it pitch black? Why is there a bloody dead budgie in here?"

"Ah... well... long story short... I set fire to a rocket..."

"OO-ER FELIX!"

"Who's rocket was it?" Alec interrupted.

"Ya mum's. So yeah, I like, ya know... set fire to a rocket, then it whizzed off in the wrong direction, meaning it like, you know what I mean."

"I haven't got a clue about what you mean."

"I do. I mean that, the rocket like, flew into the cellar thing and like, the fuse box bit the dust. So I ran after it and stuff. Then I fell over something fat..."

"Ya mum."

"Thankyou for that Alec, carry on Felix."

"So yeah. And then the fuse thing exploded in my face and I was well pissed off. So I grabbed a torch when I heard your voices to see if the whole house was down, cos' I didn't wanna be alone."

"Awwwwwwwww."

"Shurrup."

And that was the spooky Bonfire Night.

I half expected it to be Caius bringing back his new boyfriend or something.

But you know.

Don't say that you don't.

Aro is beyond happy about the fact the fuse box has died. He was ecstatic and even brought the wives down from the tower.

"Crikey mate, calm down. The wives from the tower? Coming down? Wowzers." I said to him.

Then we all had to stumble around in the dark and sit around an indoor campfire Aro had somehow built in the tower room. I sensed a burning-down-of-the-Volturi-household situation, but I didn't say so. What I did say was that I hate bonfires and will not watch one. But since I did not want to be a loner in my room in the dark, I grudgingly stayed.

Many people complained and said that they would go down and fix the bloody fuse box so everyone would be happy.

But Aro can not be told.

Nor can he be diverted from an idea once his heart is set on it.

So the rest of our night was spent sitting around a crap indoor bonfire singing "Burn Baby Burn, Disco Inferno!" all night long.

Then this morning someone had the bloomin' sense to actually fix the fuse box.

Felix has discovered his new wardrobe.

He is not best pleased.

Ah well.

Ciao for now!

Jane Volturi.

* * *

**I just had something not very sugary so I'm not hyper at the moment. :(**

**My plans for the next chappies, I was thinking about skippety skipping a few weeks to bring this story up to the present date. Especially since it's Chrimbo soon and I have a special event planned. Hehe. **

**:)**


	27. 7th November 2009

**La di da.**

**This is **_**le **_**songeth of life for this chappie; "Boys & Girls" - Pixie Lott.**

**Prithee! **

**(I had an English lesson today about Shakespeare. Explains the random language used in this notey section... eth)**

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**7th November 2009**

Dear Diary,

Typical day really.

Everyone is so boring around here.

Apart from Felix, who kept me greatly entertained when he discovered his new wardrobe. He had a complete tiz and to-do. It was only a bloody wardrobe full of crap chav clothes.

So me and Alec went into his room to investigate.

Also to try and calm him down.

When we went in we discovered a broken lampshade and the whole wardrobe had bit the dust. Literally, like. Cos' all that was left of it was wooden splinters and dust.

I also spied a furball lurking in the corner of where the wardrobe had been.

Felix was all flustered and was wearing Demetri's cast-off's. A pair of joggy bottoms and a white t-shirt that had the slogan "I Am God" on it.

Then he noticed us and started yelling like a fool.

"I fuckin' hate you two. Go and do your fat ass mum you mother fuckers."

"There is no need for such vile and vulgar language young man." I said.

"Piss off."

"Swearing shows a lack of vocabulary..."

"Look who's talking." Alec interrupted. Honestly, can he not keep himself to himself and butt out of people's conversations for once? Of course not.

"Alec go and die in a hole."

"Nah. I'd rather stay and watch the cat fight."

"Is there a cat in 'ere? I didn't notice..." Felix asked. He is so dim.

"Well there is somewhere, because there is a bloody furball in the corner of your room." I said.

"Ah..."

Then he went over to it and started sniffing it. What a twit and a prat. Then he started coughing and spluttering like a fool.

"Oh dear Felix is choking to death."

"Oh dear you're ugly." Alec said.

"Right back attcha!" Felix managed to choke out.

"No."

"That was a good one mate." Felix had (sadly) recovered.

"Good one my eye." I said.

"Ok then." Alec butted in (AGAIN).

"Alec shutup. Who invited you into this conversation?"

"Ya mum."

"ALEC! Stop it now. It's not even funny."

"But it is though."

"But it isn't though."

"But it is."

"It isn't."

"It is."

"Is not."

"Is too."

"IS NOT!"

Silence.

"But it is though."

OH my God he is soooooo annoying. I would strangle him but that would be pointless.

I wish he was hurtable.

Oh, but he is.

"FINEEEEEEEEEEE! IT ISN'T FUNNYY ANYMOREEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Alec stuttered out whilst I was torturing him.

"Thank you and good night."

Then I left him lying on the floor in Felix' room and pretended I wanted to go to bed.

Which was a pointless and crap idea since I hadn't slept for yonks.

But nobody seemed to notice me because Aro had decided it would be funny to braid Caius' hair.

Caius wasn't exactly thrilled - a light hearted way of putting it.

I'm sure he'll live.

Ciao!

Jane Volturi.


	28. 8th November 2009

**The last chapter was quite short so I decided to do a double post.**

**And I have** **nothing against ginger hair. I absolutely love it and I want to dye my hair that colour too. **

**Especially since seeing Florence Welch's hair. It is sooooooooooo nice and shiny.**

**And the song for this chappie is... "Cosmic Love" by Florence + The Machine.**

**:)**

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**8th November 2009**

Dear Diary,

Heidi has dyed her hair ginger.

Not the subbtle kind of ginger, the full on ginger.

It actually looks really nice and I am ever so slightly tempted to dye my hair too.

Felix almost had a fit when he saw her.

Well what actually happened was that he didn't even know who she was for a while.

So, here is the story of how Heidi became a ginge. This story also proves how ridiculously dim Felix is.

It all started when I accidentally-on-purpose bashed into Felix on my way to breakfast.

The reason it was on purpose is because I wanted to see how he was coping without his chav wardrobe.

He is not coping very well. Mainly because of the outfit he had on today. Joggie bottoms (again) and another white t-shirt on it. This time it had the slogan of "I Facebooked Your Mum" on it.

"Hello Felix. What a coincidence, seeing you here! Nice weather today, isn't it?"

"It's howling a gale out there Jane. Don't think I like, forgot what you did. You will pay for ruining my wardrobe. Literally, like."

"I was doing you a favor Felix."

Then Heidi came Heidi-ing along to talk to Felix.

"Hi! What you up to babe?"

Felix' gob dropped open in mortal shock.

"Babe? BABE? Who the hell are you? Are you like, some new vampire chick that Aro has dragged in off the street or... or... or you are a tramp? Hobo? Dammit, I've just eaten..."

"Felix what are you on?!" I said.

"Ya mum!"

"For God's sake, shutup about that!"

"Nah, man..."

"I'M NOT A BLOODY MAN!"

"I was just like, talking..."

"Felix what are you on about? I'm not a random stray, tramp, hobo, or human. I'm Heidi, dammit!" Heidi screeched.

"Heidi? Like... seriously? But you... you're... you're ginger!"

"Oh for God's sake, of course I'm Heidi. Why did you accuse me of being a tramp? I look NOTHING like a tramp!"

I decided to be witty and clever and funny at that moment.

"That's what you think."

Heidi was just giving me the full on death glare when Alec came Alec-ing along.

"Takes one to know one, eh Jane?"

"Shutup Alec. You always turn up at the crappiest of times, then you make everyone feel even crappier than before with your el crappo jokes."

"So basically what you're saying is... that I'm crap?"

"Basically, yes."

"Fair enough."

Felix chavved into action then.

"Heidi what have you done to yourself? You're ginger!"

"It's not flippin' ginger, It's strawberry blonde!" Heidi protested.

"Strawberry blonde my arse, you're bloody GINGER!" Felix yelled.

Alec tried and failed to distract Heidi from her excuse for a boyfriend with one of his crap jokes.

"If Barbie isn't a slut, why do people have to buy her boyfriends?"

"I don't know Alec, why do people have to buy Barbie boyfriends?" I asked.

Silence.

"...what's the punch line?"

"There is none. It was a one line joke."

The silence that followed was so ironic that I felt like throwing some tumbleweed between us for a larf.

But no one was up for a larf.

And I had no time to get some tumbleweed because Felix ignored everything and started yelling at Heidi.

"Heidi. You can think whatever you bloody well like, your hair is not strawberry blonde, red, orange or anything of the sort. It is bloody ginger and that is that."

"NO!"

"Felix shutup. Ginger really suits you Heidi."

"Hmmm..."

"Honestly, it looks really nice. I love ginger hair. I'm very tempted to try it myself..."

"Thank you Jane."

"You are very much welcome."

I had been so distracted by reassuring my chum that I hadn't noticed that Felix and Alec had gone off then returned again with some marshmallows on sticks.

They stood behind Heidi and pretended to be heating them up on her hair. At one point Felix dropped the marshmallows, pretending they were too hot, and started blowing Heidi's hair. Then Alec rubbed his hands together, trying to "warm them up" as he put it.

I just stared at them.

Heidi noticed eventually.

"You are so cruel! I love my new hair, why do you have to put a downer on things and be so mean about it?"

Then she ran off to her room sobbing.

"You've blown it now Felix."

"Blown what? Oh right. I've blown out the fire."

"You are so gingerist."

"..."

"It's only a hair colour. And it's a very nice and uncommon hair colour at that. It's a lot better than your crap mouse brown hair."

"Now you're being mouse-brown-ist Jane." Alec said.

"Go and do a cactus."

And with that I was off to find Heidi and steal her hair dye.

Boys are just so gay sometimes.

I am going to dye my hair ginger now.

Then I can save Heidi from Felix and Alec.

Evil people.

Mind you, I'm a fine one to talk when it comes to being evil.

Ciao for now!

Jane Volturi.


	29. 9th November 2009

**Gah I forgot to tell you ze song for this chappie.**

**Sorry I posted this at midnight and I wanted to go to bed lol :)**

**Song: 'Anniemal' by Annie. :D**

**I'll post the next chappie tonight. I'm off shopping today hahah. :)**

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**9th November 2009**

Dear Diary,

I hate my life.

I've barricaded my door with my wardrobe so no one can get in. Not that a wardrobe will stand in anyone's way.

I heard someone banging on my door and immediately knew it was Alec.

"Jane! Jane! Are you in there? Helloooooo!"

"Nog noff." I had my face in my pillow (not literally...) so my words came out all muffled.

"Nog noff?"

"BOG OFF!" I lifted my face off the pillow and yelled at him.

"Look I'm trying to be nice here. You can't stay in your room for the rest of eternity."

"I can."

"You can't. Look, just let me in. Please?"

"No. You'll laugh."

"I won't."

"But you will though."

"Fine. If I do, I give you official permission to torture me."

"Hmph."

"C'mon."

"ARGH! Fine...."

Then I moved my wardrobe out of the way and Alec swung the door open with such force that it hit me and pushed me into the side of my wardrobe.

There is now a Jane-sized hole in the side of my wardrobe.

"DAMMIT ALEC!"

"Jane? Where are you?"

I crawled out of my wardrobe and glared at him.

He looked more shocked than I have ever seen him.

Then he grinned and burst out laughing.

"THAT IS IT! THAT HAS TAKEN THE OFFICIAL BISCUIT!" I yelled.

Alec yelped and screamed whilst laughing in heap on the floor. I hate him so much.

Eventually I let him go and threw my lamp at him.

"It's... not... that... bad..." Then he started laughing again.

"Then why are you laughing?"

"I'm... I'm just... just giddy with... with shock... really."

"Oh really."

"Yes..."

I looked into my mirror to see if it was really that funny.

My hair, I mean.

It wasn't exactly a side-splitter, but it was beyond gay and stupid. I looked like a ginger dalmation.

My hair dying fandango had not exactly, well. Gone to plan.

Heidi said she would do it for me but I had a massive stress and a half because I wanted to do it myself. So Heidi surrendered the hair dye bottle to me and backed off quickly. It was just as well really because I was in full on temper tantrum mode.

"It's your hair..." Heidi mumbled before bogging off to try and convince Felix that her hair is actually sexy or something. I think he got the marshmallows out (oo-er) again because I heard her yelling her head off whilst I was applying the dye.

I did everything it said to do on the bottle. I rinsed my hair in the sink and stuff. It looked ok.

But when my hair dried it was a completely different story.

It was all patchy in places. Mostly ginger, with a bit of blonde and my natural manky brown.

It failed.

Miserably.

So I ran to my room and barricaded my door whilst crying to myself.

Then Alec came along when he heard me sobbing.

And here is now, if you get what I mean.

And God forbid you if you don't because I am not as happy as Larry at the moment.

Who is Larry anyway?

Not that I care.

I stopped yelling at Alec and started sobbing again. Alec eventually stopped snorting like a pig and came over to give me a hug.

I actually liked him at that moment.

But then the Bald Eagle (Corin) walked past and saw me looking like a ginger dalmation.

Alec forgot to close the bloody door, dammit.

"I've said it before and I'll say it again, teenage vamps are never good news. They're still bloody hormonal." Corin said whilst staring at me.

That did it.

I hate my life.

Ciao.

Jane Volturi.


	30. 4th December 2009

**Hello! I am not dead - I was simply busy doing dance and stuff like that.**

**Sorry for the delay on this chappie! May I also point out the fact that the date of this chappie is officially up-to-date! *Greta does a one-woman Mexican wave***

**Hopefully you won't throw manky apples at me for not updating in a while, but I will promise to get back into a routine!**

**May I also mention how brilliant my TinkerBell calender is. I wanted a Twilight one but I couldn't find any in Morrison's. Ah well.**

**Merry Christmas one and all!**

**:o)**

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**4th December 2009**

Dear Diary,

I decided to think ahead towards Christmas today.

Well what I really wanted to do was get all the Christmas shopping out of the way because it's really gay. There's loads of people who shove you and punch you and slap you (Caius).

One year a woman even threatened me with her high heeled shoe. Just because she grabbed the last pair of shoes that Heidi wanted and when she wasn't looking I nicked it out of her trolley. Then she got all shirty and took her heels off and shook them in my face. Don't even ask.

I would have eaten her but Caius would have killed me.

So I went to the other end of the shop and stared at her from a distance. She screamed and knocked over a fat bloke who was wearing too-tight jeans trying on high heeled boots (again, don't even ask). Then the fat bloke got all huffy and hit a fellow fat bloke in the face.

I stopped eventually because I was laughing too much.

Everyone just stared at the trio of chaos for a while and the funny thing was, the fat bloke who got slapped in the face laughed and acted like nothing had happened.

"You off to pub tonight for a pint of Guinness with tha' lads?" I heard him say to the other fat bloke.

He was Yorkshire-ish I think. And I dread to think what the *ahem* 'lads' were like because the fat blokes will definitely never see forty again.

Mind you, neither will I.

Anyways I trotted (I am not a horse, it's just a figure of speech, ok?) off to find my dear brother to see what he was up to (oo-er).

I burst straight in and broke his Nintendo DS in the process.

He got all huffy about it but I quickly distracted him.

"Do you want a new Nintendo DS for Chrimbo then?"

"What are you on about?"

"I am asking what you would like for Christmas."

"What do you mean, what I would like for Christmas?"

"Honestly, you are dimmer than those energy saving light bulbs Aro bought everyone. What do you think I mean?"

"I haven't got the foggiest of ideas Jane."

"Why?"

"Because you, Jane Volturi, are asking me what I would like for Christmas."

"So?

"It is a very shocking situation to be in since you never bought me anything last year."

"Hey! I did buy you something! Don't lie!"

"You bought me a satsuma."

"Well that's not nothing, is it?"

"What the bloody hell am I supposed to do with a satsuma?"

I shrugged.

"Exactly."

"Hmmm..."

Then the Bald Eagle of Life (Corin) doddered past Alec's room and said,

"I satsuma-ed ya mum."

"What is the point?"

"Ya mum."

"It's getting older by the day..."

"So's ya mum."

"Oh yeah- that was smoooooooooooooth!" Alec butted in.

"You'll be smooth in a minute if you don't shutup." I said.

"Like Corin's head?"

"Yes."

"HEY! IT'S NOT MY FAULT THAT SOMEONE *crap cough* JANE *crap cough* CUT OFF ALL OF MY BLOODY HAIR! THAT WAS MY PRIZED POSSESION... MY HAIR... I LOVED IT... IT WAS MY EVERYTHING!"

"Oo-er." I said.

Then Corin lost his (crap) rag and lunged at me and knocked me to the ground.

Alec dithered to life then.

"WHEY-HEY!"

This is what my life has come to.

Being pounced on by gay bald eagles is no kind of life.

Dammit.

Ciao.

Jane Volturi.


	31. 10th December 2009

**I know, I know...**

**I really have no excuse for not updating. I've just been tired and lazy over the past few days...**

**Anyways here is the next (very long) installment in Jane's life.**

**Contains mild *ahem* swearing ahead. But this is rated ' T ' and I think that Jane isn't all sweet and innocent all the time. Which we know, but yeah.**

**Song for this chappie? "Bourgeois Shangri-La" - Miss Li. It's off the new iPod advert. And I have the orange one! It takes videos and stuff and is just really groovy.**

**Woot!**

**:D**

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**10th December 2009**

Dear Diary,

Today Alec and I are off Christmas shopping in Rome because the shops in Volterra are crap and loads of random chavs chav around them and yell stuff at you.

And no they aren't Felix' friends.

Because he hasn't got any.

Hah! Owned.

So anyways we are on a way to Rome in our groovy mint-green Volkswagen Beatle. It is groovy because I chose it for my birthday present last year. Alec was embarrassed beyond words but I don't see why because he's gay anyway.

So I had to drive whilst Alec sulked out of the window.

Technically, well, looks-wise, we are too young to drive. But age-wise we are way past OAP age and should be re-taking our test.

Not that I took a test in the first place. Because like many things, driving comes naturally to me.

And if you are wandering what I did with my hair after the EPIC fail of a facsimile of a sham of a hair-dying session, I will tell you. Heidi laughed when she saw it but I slapped her and tortured her until she stopped and escorted me to a local hairdresser's.

I became the laughing stock of the hairdresser's but it didn't last long because I sulked and tortured the stupid blonde totty behind the counter. Then everyone got distracted and my hairdresser got down to business.

He re-dyed it and styled it and so on. In the end it turned out to be just like Florence Welch's hair, which I quite liked.

So now my hair colour is full on ginger and it is quite groovy.

Alec had a few words to say when I got back though.

"You look like a LOLRUS!"

"What in the name of arse is a Lolrus when it's at home?!"

"Ya mum."

"Stop being silly Alec. And stop saying 'ya mum' all the time. You think it makes you sound well cool and stuff, but it doesn't. It's really annoying and gay and stupid and it is so not clever."

"Hah! Says you. You say it all the time as well!"

"Well, that's different."

"In what way?"

"In the way that I sound sophisticated and I say it at appropriate times, whilst you just blurt it out left right and center. It makes no sense."

"Neither does ya mum."

"This is bordering on the infringement of ridiculousness now. Shutup and get a life."

And that was the end of our conversation. Bearing in mind that I had just had a haircut and nothing in the conversation had anything to do with my hair. That is how gay boys are. You could grow an extra head and they wouldn't take a blind bit of notice. And they say that girls are self-obsessed.

Well Alec would probably take notice if I grew an extra head because that is how brilliant(-ly crap) his life is.

Where was I before I started rambling on about blonde totties, haircuts, Lolrus' and boys?

Oh yes.

So we were on our way to Rome. Alec was in a huff because he hated my groovy car and refused to ride in it until he had no other choice.

Then all hell broke loose when he turned on (oo-er) the radio.

He ambled and fussed around with it for ages until he found the station he wanted to listen to.

And guess what music was playing on that radio station?

Classical.

CLASSICAL?!

Christ on a bike wearing a beanie hat with matching mittens. Who listens to bloody Classical in this day and age?

Alec does, of course.

I stressed out at him and turned the radio over to a more sensible station which people actually listen to.

But Alec also stressed out and turned the radio back over to bloody classical.

We carried on like this until I had had enough.

I punched the radio and it shattered into a million and one pieces. Alec had a complete tiz and to-do and broke his seatbelt in the process. Why he had it on in the first place, well, God only knows.

And if he doesn't... well.

Alec punched my arm and yelled.

"I WAS LISTENING TO THAT!"

"YOU WERE LISTENING TO THE GOLDEN-OLDIES STATION. THAT IS NOT MUSIC, IT'S CALLED CRAP!"

"OH WELL EXCUUUUUUUUUUUSE ME. WHEN WE WERE BORN, WE DIDN'T EVEN HAVE MUSIC!"

"DO I LOOK LIKE I GIVE A FLYING FUCK ABOUT WHAT WE LISTENED TO WHEN WE WERE BORN?!" I yelled at him.

"YEAH!"

"I AINT BOTHERED!"

By this time we had been yelling and punching each other whilst the car was going all over the shop. NOT literally, but you know...

Luckily there was not a soul around.

Then unluckily we veered off course and tumbled down a hill until eventually hitting a tree, which collapsed.

ON TOP OF MY VOLKSWAGEN MINT-GREEN BEATLE!

"BUGGERING BASTARD MOTHER-FUCKING SON OF A BITCH!" I yelled at the tree.

If we were humans we would have been deaders, but we weren't human so we were... alivers?

Alec swung open his door and a ton of wood splinters fell on him. Served him right. The door then fell off and I yelped and started sobbing.

Before I knew it I was in a bear-hug with Alec. I decided to get it off my chest (I think I just made an inner-joke then, or something...).

"ALEC! What the hell are we supposed to do? We have been driving for hours and I don't know the way back from here and we are in the middle of a random gay forest with my dead car that the tree just killed and it's getting dark and even though we can't get cold and stuff, I can feel the chill in the air. Oh Alec!"

Throughout my rant I hadn't realised that Alec was laughing his arse off. I shoved him off, stamped my foot and went to sulk behind a nearby bush.

It was then I realised that a owl had seen the whole situation.

I threw a rock at it and it flapped and buggered off back to it's warm cozy HOME.

Now I am stuck in the middle of a crap forest with stupid owls and tree's with only a crap excuse for a brother to keep me company.

Dammit.

Ciao.

Jane Volturi...


	32. 11th December 2009

**Hm, I wrote this a few days ago but being the lazy arse I am, I could not be arsed to put this up. Sorry about that! :)**

**Anyways, I saw New Moon with my good chum. Did anyone else notice Edward's dodgy nipple when he took his shirt off? And the fact that the hairs on his chest were brushed to give the illusion of a six-pack? Speaking of six-packs, I believe Jacob officially took six-packs to a whole new level, he had a bloomin'**_** ten-pack**_**!**

**I think we accomplished annoying everyone in the cinema. Because as much as I loved the film, we just laughed at most things and said weird comments all the way through. Such as, "Why does Edward look like a constipated frog" (when Jane was torturing him) - I love Edward really - and "Oh my days, look Colette (my chum's name), I didn't know your mum had a starring role in this film!" (When Harry Clearwater grunted on screen - bless him) and so on.**

**Oh, we larfed.**

**Right, I'm going to shutup and bog off now so you can read this chapter in peace before you throw something heavy at your computer screen. Please don't.**

**Oh yeah... ze songs (yup, there's two! To be played in this order) of life is... *drum roll* **

**'New In Town' - Little Boots.**

**And**

**'Shine' – Take That.**

**:D**

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**11th December 2009**

Dear Diary,

Crap day just got even crapper by the fact that Demetri and Felix are hogging the only bathrooms with a shower in. Just because they are gay and vain and part-time drag queens does _not _give them the right to hog the only bathrooms with a shower in.

Oh yes.

We are home.

Nothing happened really after I left you wandering what the hell was going to happen.

Not really, well some things happened, but not much.

To start with, that gay owl flew back and I decided I was thirsty and ate it.

Alec was a bit bewildered because I usually go for humans (oo-er) but I decided that I had had enough of that bloody owl. It just sat on it's branch and stared at me in that staring-at-someone-way that owls do. So I took the bull by the horns and decided to show it who was the bestest out of the both of us.

Which was so obviously me.

So, enough about owls.

After the owl incident I just pulled the hood of hoodie right over my face and pulled the strings tighter so you could only see my nose. Then I curled up into a ball and sulked behind a bush.

Alec was just standing on his lonesome a few metres away from my dead Beatle.

No, not a bug beatle, a beatle Beatle.

A Volkswagen Beatle.

A car.

My car.

That is now dead.

Jeez peeps, keep up.

And... yeah. Alec was just stood like a lemon and was staring at the bush I was sat behind. No I don't have eyes in the back of my head, I just kind of sensed it. You know, when you can sense someone looking at you?

Jane, stop rambling now.

Ok. SO, anyway...

After what seemed like yonks of silence, Alec burst into song.

"There may be trouble ahead!"

"There will be trouble ahead in a minute if you don't shutup, you fool."

"I fink Ron Weasley is da shizz."

"Oh no you di'int. You did not just do a Felix - oo-er - and speak the ultimate crap language of life, a.k.a. CHAVLAND language?!"

"I jus' did sista."

"Oh bog off and go and die in a hole."

"Technically, I am already dead."

"Well go and die again."

"That is not humanely possible, my dear Jane."

"ARGH! WILL YOU JUST.. SHUTUP!!"

I think I've gone mad.

Then there was silence. Ironically enough a pile of leaves blew past us and the wind made a 'whooshing' sound. Well I never, the wind made a 'whooshing' sound? Oh yes.

ANYWAY. There was silence.

Then...

"Jane. I love you very much..."

"...good-looking though you are Alec, I am just not interested, and I am not a lesbian. And I don't agree with incest." I said.

"That's what she said."

"That's what your mum said."

"Your mum is well good... in bed."

"Alec you do realise you just owned yourself. What a disgusting idiot you are."

"I know... well. Since we have no other company to speak of, why can't we just get on with life and agree and like each other for once?"

I had to think about it for a moment.

"Ok then... fine."

Then Alec sat on a pile of leaves and patted the space next to him. I sat down near him and just stared at some bark on a tree.

"Well, isn't this just thrilling." I said after a while of just sitting cross-legged on the forest floor.

"Isn't it just." Alec replied after a few seconds.

"What do we do now? We can't just sit here."

"Well, I think that we should just sit here. Because we can't do anything now."

"We could run."

"I really can't be arsed, to be honest with you Jane."

And that was that.

We just sat there for hours, staring at no-one (because there was no-one to look at) and nothing (Alec – ha!)

It was pitch black when Demetri burst through a bush (OO-ER) and found us.

"There you are! Aro was getting worried – woah. Looks like your car has bit the dust there Jane- literally." He said.

"Never... really? Jeepers creepers, I never knew my car had been squashed. I've only been sat her for God knows-how-long and I never even noticed my car was DEAD." I screeched.

"Cripes, don't shoot the messenger."

"I will in a minute if you don't shut your mouth."

Silence.

"Isn't it brilliant how I can find people?"

"Isn't it brilliant how I can torture until you finally shutup and lead us home?"

"I see you aren't in the best of moods..."

"Well done. What do you want for finding that out? A medal?"

"Jane, I get the point. I'll shut up now so that you can stop being sarcastic and so I can stop being yelled at."

"Finally."

"Right then."

Then we set off for home.

As soon as I walked in I went straight into my room.

I'd like to say straight to my room, but I was interrupted along the way by Aro, Heidi and Felix, who were all following me and annoying me until I slammed my door in all their faces.

It was all like,

"Ooooh Jane, why do you have a twig in your hair?"

"What happened? Where's your hippy-mobile?"

"Yo like, innit and stuff. What like, ya know, happened like?"

Do I really have to say who said what?

Work it out, I'm sure you have brains.

Then I wanted to have a shower, but of course they were taken by the Volturi drag queens, so instead I had to hang around outside until they finally got out.

Alec, who has no life to speak of, followed me of course.

"Look Alec, I'm just not in the mood..."

"...for dancin', romancin'!" Then Alec left me where I was and wen off to his room singing that crap song, "I'm In The Mood For Dancing" by that crap band The Nolans.

Much to my dismay Felix came out, winked at me and said, "Watch out Jane, me and tha' lads 'av got a new band and stuff,"

Oh no.

Oh yes.

"What is this band called exactly?" I asked.

"Take This."

"Take This?"

"Yer, like, Take This are like, the best thing since Take That."

Good Lord.

This is what the world (or rather, my crappy world) has come to.

Ciao!

Jane Volturi.


	33. 17th December 2009

**Just read the last few reviews... I didn't know I spelt Beetle's wrong! :O**

**I blame my mother for telling me that it was spelt like the band... :P**

**And after... *ahem* **_**examining**_** Taylor Lautner's picture, I realise that I exaggerated. Heh. Eight-pack it is! Not that I'm complaining... ;)**

**I love reading reviews that tell their hilarious experiences at the 'New Moon' cinema showing. I laughed so much at the one that said their guy mate said "Sex-ay" at Jacob's eight-pack. ;)**

**Keep sharing your LOL-worthy experiences because they really do make my day. ;)**

**Song: "About A Girl" - Sugababes**

**:D**

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**17th December 2009**

Dear Diary,

Today was a fun-filled day of... watching Felix' crappo band 'Take This' perform their new song - wait for it - "Crappest Day"- you aren't kidding there, matey. But it was a complete and utter shambles and rip-off of "Greatest Day". I don't understand some people some times.

It went like...

'Today is probably, the crappest day of our lives.'

The band and song was crap and gay, but it didn't stop me from having a larf at Aro.

Want to know what Aro did that made me larf so much?

Well. If I stop shaking like a loon from laughter at the memory, and when Alec stops looking at me like he's going to escort me to the Mental Asylum of Life (it isn't called that, I just made it up on the spot. I really am too funny for this world) any minute now, I might actually be able to get it down.

Right, okay then.

Halfway through _Take This' _amazing performance, we heard a roaring sound outside. Everyone turned (leave it) towards the door to see what was happening.

Then out of nowhere, Aro 'roared' in on his 'roaring machine' (it was actually a golf buggy he stole from a nearby golf course – but beggars can't be choosers) wearing a pink _Barbie _helmet. His hair 'blew out' behind him as he 'zoomed' around the 12ft Christmas tree in the middle of the room.

Well, I am without a doubt, the master of sarcasm.

Actually, I'm not a man, so would that make me the mistress of sarcasm?

Doesn't sound right.

But I don't care about that.

So.

What actually happened was Aro drove in to the room at the pace of a disabled snail, on a golf buggy. He circled the tree once before veering off-course and ended up crashing into the tree. Which caused the decorations to fall off and meet their death's. Aro however, was not phased by the fact that the new main attraction of the tree was a broken golf-buggy. Instead, he took off his _Barbie_ helmet and shook his hair out, saying "Yes, yes, YES!" like that advert for 'Herbal Essences' shampoo on the telly.

'Take This' were still performing their song throughout the whole procedure, and instead of stopping like normal people, they started rapping in a crap way. The rap was so gay that it is not worthy of being mentioned here.

I was in shock for a while until I finally saw the funny side of everything and burst out laughing. Many others started laughing as well until eventually the whole room was in uproar.

Even Caius and Marcus were having a grin, but Caius stopped as soon as I looked over, and pretended that he was annoyed.

Renata – who had died her hair brunette after being blonde all her life - was unfortunately standing too close to Aro, and so received one of his 'hilarious' jokes.

"Oi, Renata, what do you call a blonde who dyes her hair brunette?" Aro said.

"I-I-I-I don't know... Master..."

"Artificial intelligence! Bahahahaha! Geddit? Blonde? Artificial?"

"Oh.. ha. Ha. Ha." Renata was too bewildered to get the joke and laughed without emotion.

"I've got another one for ya... how does a blonde pass her driving test first time?"

"Erm... she doesn't? Because she is..." Alec started, trying (and failing) to be funny.

"Nope, think about it. How does a blonde pass her driving test first time?"

Silence.

"I'll tell you how a blonde passes her driving test first time – a short skirt and low cut top! Bahahahaha!"

"Master, if you don't mind me saying so, that was the crappest joke I've ever heard in all of my existence. Master Caius is funnier than you when it comes to jokes." I said, which basically insulted Caius because whenever he attempts a joke, it goes down like a lead balloon. They are both as bad as each other.

Caius however, took it as a compliment.

"Thankyou Jane. You know, you've always been my favourite..."

Which then caused uproar in the room as everyone and everything disagreed, agreed and wasn't sure what to say to Caius' words.

An argument broke out and I left the room just as Felix jumped onto the tree and yelled out, "TIMBER!!"

And people ask me why I believe my life is so crap.

Actually, no one has ever asked me that, but ah well.

Aro wearing a _Barbie_ helmet driving a golf cart made my day though.

Hum-dee-dum.

* Knock Knock *

"Why are you moping around in your room Jane. Come and join us as we attempt to resusitate the Chrimboli tree of life!"

"How about no."

"Oh yes matey."

"Go and do a cactus."

"That's what she said."

I'm going to be here for a while...

Ciao for now!

Jane Volturi.


	34. 21st December 2009

**As I'm writing this the repeat of Take That's Circus (you aren't kidding matey) Tour is on telly. It has inspired me - not because their music is amazing and stuff (it isn't) - to include them in this story. They are Felix' idols (and stuff... ya know like?)**

**FOUR DAYS UNTIL CHRIMBO! (I've already written the chapter for Chrimbo... o.O)**

**Song: Merry Christmas Everyone - Shakin' Stevens. (WOOT!)**

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**21st December 2009**

Dear Diary,

I very nearly choked to death this morning.

How did I nearly choke to death, I hear you ask?

Well, long story short, I grabbed this random guy out of the crowd and... well yeah, you don't need to know the details or anything. And anyway I was quite thirsty so I didn't even realise that this guy stunk to the high heavens of smoke. Then I stopped drinking halfway through and inhaled the smell.

Then I kind of started spluttering and choking and dying and so on.

Everyone just stopped doing whatever they were doing (oo-er) and looked at me.

You would think that somebody would come over to help or ask me if I was ok or something, but OH no. Instead my stupid brother came over and hit me extremely hard on the back.

Which of course led me to choke and splutter and die even harder.

In the end I finally stopped and sat cross-legged on the floor and sulked.

Alec laughed at me, looked at the puddle of blood on the floor, then looked at me.

"Quite literally, bloody hell."

I glared at him.

"'Are you ok Jane?' 'Yes Alec, thankyou for asking.'" I said and rolled my eyes.

"Alright, alright, you don't need to get on your high horse and be all sarcastic about it."

"Since when did high horses come into this?"

"Since I said so."

"Mmmmmm."

"What?"

"What do you mean, what?"

"I was what-ing at the fact that you were mmmmmm-ing."

"So what?"

"Well, I dunno. I just felt like what-ing really."

"What?"

"I'm confused..."

"...dot com!" Felix had bounded over to where I was sulking.

"Go away Felix. Nobody asked for your opinion."

"Well I like, ya know, gave it and stuff."

"Shutup."

Yes, that was my morning.

This afternoon, since I never actually got to Rome to go Christmas shopping, I went shopping in Volterra.

I bought a few pressies for people. I bought Alec this book called "How To Be A Brilliant Brother and Not Annoy Your Sister" - yes, it was really called that.

I also bought Heidi some cherry red hair dye. I figured that since she has dyed her hair all the colours in the world apart from cherry red that she would appreciate my gift.

After much searching I bought Felix this DVD called 'Take That - The Cirus Tour' to show him how much better the real thing is compared to his crap band 'Take This'. It had a picture of a tinfoiled fool on the front (actually, four tinfoiled fools) so if Felix turns up to the Chrimbo party wearing an all-in-one tinfoil moonsuit I will not be surprised.

But I will possibly be sick and throw a tantrum.

Not that I care about Felix or anything. I just don't like the thought of him wearing an all-in-one tinfoil moonsuit. It is a vile and disgusting and dirty thought.

Ew.

And for the icing on the cake, I bought Corin his very own "Grow Your Own Hair Kit". What you do is you start off with a small rubber hairstyle, then you water it every day until it fits your head.

Hopefully he will appreciate the extreme efforts I have gone to (walked down to the local joke shop) to get his gift.

If he doesn't... well. I can't promise anything.

And anyways, it's the gift that counts, not the thought behind it.

Wait... I think I messed up that phrase.

How does the thought count? They might not have even put any thought into it and still have given you a crap gift.

Now I'm confuddled and confuzzled and confused (dot com).

Oh joy, Alec has just walked past my room whilst I smacked my head to make my brain think properly.

I think he thinks I've gone mad.

I think that I think that I've gone mad.

Wait...

ARGH!

Ciao for now.

Jane Volturi.


	35. 23rd December 2009

**TWO DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS! :D**

**Song: "TiK ToK" - Ke$ha**

**;)**

* * *

**23rd December 2009**

Dear Diary,

I'm fed up of watching the Weather forecast on telly. Because EVERYWHERE has snow apart from Volterra. Instead we have rain. Boring old rain. Don't get me wrong, I prefer the rain to the sun, but it would be brill if we could actally have some snow for Christmas.

Stupid Volterra.

Stupid weather.

Stupid clouds who could snow if they wanted to but of course, to annoy me, they decided to rain instead.

I am bored out of my mind because there was nothing to do and no one to speak too. I would go to see Aro so that he could entertain me with his slap-happy and super high self.

But of course Aro was 'busy'. And don't even ask me what he was doing because I dread to think.

So I am now wasting my time lying on the sofa in the loungey area reading this magazine about some sad women who have nothing better to do than report their sad lives to sad magazines like this. Which makes sense - kind of.

I think the magazine is Caius'. Since discovering his 'GAY' magazine I can only assume that he is gay and is having a mid-life crisis.

Even though his life should have ended yonks ago.

Another weather forecast came onto the telly just as Corin balded in.

"Wassup Jane? You should really start wrapping up your presents for everyone, I've already done mine."

"Good for you."

"By the way, what did you buy Felix? I bought him an awesome baseball hat that..."

"Wait a minute, did you just say baseball? You do realise we are not American."

"Well yeah, but that's what everyone calls these hats."

"Who is 'everyone'?"

"Well... ya know... people and like... yeah. Just people."

"Like...?"

"Oh fine. I heard these kids calling them baseball hats on the street the other day."

"Were they chavs?"

"I dunno."

"You are not exactly, what I would call, very observant are you Corin?"

"I dunno."

And with that he gave up trying to amuse me and balded off to annoy some other unfortunate soul.

Not that we have souls. Well I don't think I do, anyway.

Alec said that I never had a soul in the first place, even when I was human.

He soon regretted it when I stole his new Nintendo Wii...

_"...and that brings us to say that everyone, everywhere, is going to have a wonderful white Christmas this year. Merry Christmas and good night!"_

That is it.

I threw the remote at the telly and stropped off to sulk.

I went straight to my room, threw open my window and shook my fist at the sky.

"Why do you have to do this to me? Why? All I want is a nice, snowy Christmas. Like everyone else has. But OH no. Of course I can't have what I want, that would just be too easy. 'Oh c'mon all you clouds! Let's just annoy the hell out of Jane so that we can amuse ourselves with her anger'. Well I have had enough. All of you, all of you clouds up there, you're stupid and gay and crap and I hate you. I would torture you but I don't think clouds can feel pain, dammit. I hope the South Westerly wind comes and blows you all away to hell. Damn you!"

Naturally Alec came blundering in to my room halfway through my rant.

He looked at me like I had gone mad.

"Have you gone mad?" He said.

"Well if I have, blame this hell-hole full of loons and chavs."

He shrugged. "Fair enough."

"Look, did you want something or did you just come here to make me even more insane?"

"Not really,"

"Well bog off then. I would like to sulk in peace, thankyou very much."

Alec turned to leave, then he turned around again and said, "We all know you haven't got much of a life Jane. I mean it. I'm speaking on behalf of everyone here and, as your loyal brother, I would like you to join me in a Mario Kart Wii race. I promise you can be Princess Daisy this time."

"Oh because you have a life don't you."

But I considered it for a moment."What's the prize?"

He thought about it. "The chance to dare me to do something extreme to Caius. Not in that way you fool."

"Okay then."

"And vice versa if I win."

"You won't."

"Best of three?"

"Yup."

So we went to the lounge again where we found Heidi and Felix mourning over the telly (which I broke).

"How am I supposed to watch Gok Wan and his style tips now?" Heidi wailed.

"Yeh, like, 'ow am I supposed to watch, the footie and stuff?" Felix said.

"You never know, Father Christmas might bring us a bigger and better one." I said.

We then ignored them and went to the special Nintendo Wii telly in the corner. I know you're probably thinking that we could use that telly, but Aro insisted on deleting all the channels (don't even ask) and set up Mario Kart Wii.

Halfway through the first course Aro skipped (yes...) in to the lounge and clapped his hands.

It was this that made me veer off course and Alec took the chance to push me off the cliff.

"That wasn't fair, dammit! I was first then you pushed me off the cliff, and now some loser just hit me with a red shell and NOW I'M LAST!" I complained.

"I never promised to play fair. I will win this!" Alec replied.

"Ah, Jane and Alec, Alec and Jane, Jane and Alejand-" Aro cried.

"Yes yes we get the point. What do you want Master?" Alec interrupted.

"Well! Since you were changed at the height of puberty, I'd like for you to come with me and I will talk to you about the basic...*ahem* facts of life!" Aro was being scarily enthusiastic about all of this. Heidi snickered and then I knew exactly what Aro was talking about.

"Master, Aro please... seriously?! We don't need to..."

"...oh yes you do! Which reminds me, everyone! We're going to watch Cinderella next week! Tell everyone and get organised!"

Everyone in the room groaned and we abandoned our game of Mario Kart Wii (good. I was last! Last I tells ya! Not fair at all...) and followed Aro to the room of doom.

Right before Christmas as well.

I'd rather get a dodgy knitted jumper from Sulpicia for Christmas than have the talk we are about to have.

I will tell you this for free, I can't be held responsible for my actions if the 'talk' gets out of hand.

Ciao for now...

Jane Volturi.


	36. 24th December 2009

**MERRY CHRISTMAS ONE AND ALL! I hope you all have a very jolly Christmas. ;)**

**I'll post today's chapter later. When I'm not stuffed with turkey and chocolate. Heh**

**Song: "Warm This Winter" - Gabriella Cilmi**

**:D**

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**24th December 2009**

Dear Diary,

Oh I feel abused.

Not, in like, a physical way, just in a scarred for life way.

Hmph.

And also it is Christmas Eve and yet again it is NOT snowing. And yet again Alec used a Blue Shell on me in Mario Kart which led me to fall off a cliff again. So yet again I did NOT win Mario Kart. And now Aro has given me and Alec the 'talk' and yet again I have been humiliated. So right now I am NOT happy.

On the bright side Alec said that we can have a rematch tomorrow night after the Christmas party.

Yes we are having a Christmas party.

Aro has made Caius play Father Christmas.

He had a few, *ahem* _words_ to say to that.

"What the fuck do you think I am? I fucking hate children, no offence Jane and Alec."

"None taken." Alec had said.

"I never mentioned children. I was just saying that everyone is going to be dressed up. And that you should be Father Christmas because you have white hair." Aro pointed out.

"So?"

"So you will be Father Christmas tomorrow night."

And that was that.

Unfortunately Aro then took me and Alec to his office to have... the 'talk'.

It was more awkward than the most awkward thing in the history of awkward.

Yes, it was very, very awkward.

"Well, Jane, Alec, as you know, you were changed at a time when your hormones were-"

"Yes yes we know. Please don't make this any more humiliating than it already is."

"Okey doke. Well, you see, maybe, maybe one day, you might fall in love and, when people fall in love, they tend to... well."

Alec pretended to be sick.

"Alec there is no need to be so immature about all of this. You are mentally an adult."

"And you Master, and this has to be said, are mentally ill. We don't need to talk about this now. We don't even need to talk about it ever. If I ever get a boyfriend then I'll Google it. And if Alec ever gets a boyfriend I'm sure he will do the same." I said.

"I'm not gay." Alec complained.

"That's what she said."

"Settle down. Well Jane, if that's how you feel..."

"It is how I feel. Thank you and good-night."

"Before you go, I must tell you a joke to get you in the Christmas spirit!"

"Oh no."

"Oh yes. Why does Santa go down the chimney? Because it soots him!"

Silence.

"That was crap. Well then. I'm off." Then I left the embarrassing room of life and went to the loungey area to lounge around for a bit.

I was quite happy where I was, lying on the sofa reading Caius' sad magazine about sad women e.t.c. I was enjoying the peace and quiet.

But of course I attract loons and gay people like a magnet, and of course Felix had to come chavving in to 'keep me company'.

"Alriteeeeeeeeeeeeee?"

"I was until you came chavving in."

"Don't be like that J-J."

Then he shoved my feet off the sofa and sat down.

"WHAT IS IT WITH THIS PLACE? I WAS ENJOYING PEACE AND QUIET, AND I WAS LYING HERE READING A MAGAZINE. I WAS PERFECTLY FINE. BUT OF COURSE YOU HAVE TO COME IN TO MY LIFE AND RUIN EVERYTHING!"

"Innit tho."

"Leave me alone. I want to read this magazine in pe-"

"OH MY DAYS. THE CHRISTMAS TURKEY HAS GONE OFF!" Aro yelled.

"Why in the name of arse do we even have a Christmas turkey? We don't even eat." I said.

But of course, I am ignored.

What is it with this place? When I want to be ignored some fool doddes along and speaks to me. When I don't want to be ignored, nobody gives a hoot to what I have to say.

Well that is it.

I tortured Felix and he fell off the sofa.

"How rude." He said when I stopped torturing him.

Then I went outside and bashed into Aro.

"You really ought to stop doing that Jane, you might do yourself an injury."

"Master. Aro. We do not need a Christmas turkey. We are vampires. We drink blood. We don't eat bloody turkey."

"Actually my dear, I thought it would be a nice surprise to have a giant turkey in the middle of the table when we eat the unfortunate humans for our Christmas dinner."

"Well why does it matter that it's gone off?"

"Because there is nothing like a dodgy turkey to spoil this years Christmas."

Well then.

My Christmas is already ruined. It isn't snowing or anything...

"OMG! IT'S SNOWING!" Felix yelled from teh loungey area.

Yesssssssssss! Resulttttttttttt!

Merry Chrimbo one and all!

Ciao for now!

Jane Volturi


	37. 25th December 2009

**Sorry this chapter wasn't up in time, I went to my aunt's for Christmas and ate way too much turkey and chocolates. o.O**

**I was also watching the Christmas special of Doctor Who. It was awesome. ;)**

**I was also asleep for most of Boxing Day hahah. :P**

**I hope you all had a merry Christmas and that Santa brought you what you wanted. ;)**

**Songs: **

**"All I Want For Christmas" - Mariah Carey.**

**"Christmas Time (Don't Let The Bells End) - Darkness.**

**And if you feel like getting the glow sticks out - "A Spaceman Came Travelling" - Chris De Burgh (I think)**

**:D**

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**25th December 2009 (Christmas Day!)**

Dear Diary,

Merry Christmas everyone!

So we finally got our bit of snow. I got my earmuff's out (shutup) and headed outside. Only to be hit right in the face with a snowball by my darling brother Alec. He soon regretted it when I threw ten snowball's in a row at him.

I then went on to build a snow-vamp. I even gave it fangs - those crap plastic fangs that you put in your mouth so you can't speak. Don't even ask why we have those lurking around the place, but let's just say I found them in Alec's room.

After a while we got bored and went inside to open our pressies. Hehe.

"Why does Santa have the exact same hand-writing as Aro?" I said.

"What a coincidence." Alec replied.

"And he even used the same wrapping paper. How rude."

"Cos' that's the way it rolls!"

"Oh - OH! I just got that! Haha! Wrapping paper... rolls... hahahaha." Amazingly Alec told quite a good joke for once.

"You are so naive Jane-" Bald Eagle Corin said just before opening his extremely thoughtful gift from me. "WHAT THE BLOODY HELL?! IS THIS SOME KIND OF SICK JOKE?!"

"I - well I suppose that's one way of putting it."

"Aw Take That! Fanks' Ginger." Felix sadly liked his gift from me and unfortunately came over and gave me a hug.

"Git off meh." I said. But I was in pain because a Felix hug is not what you call the average hug.

Stupidly enough Alec did not appreciate the enormous lengths I went through to buy him his Chrimbo present. He did, in fact, have a complete tiz and to-do and over-reacted.

"Jane is this you trying to be funny?"

"No it is not me trying to be funny. It is in fact me being kind and thoughtful and helpful."

"Well that's all very well but your idea of being kind and thoughtful and helpful is not the same as my idea of being kind and thoughtful and helpful."

"Oh well. It's better than the satsuma. And also I benfit from it as well."

"Hmph."

All of that fuss over a groovy book called "How To Be A Brilliant Brother and Not Annoy Your Sister". I spent five minutes looking for that. Five whole minutes.

The pressies I got were not much improvement from last year. For example, Sulpicia gave me a watch she made herself. Which is all well and good. But the fact that it has a hand-knitted watch strap is ever so slightly strange.

I also got a panda hat from Alec, a hand-mirror from Heidi, a random book called "The Chav Bible" from Felix (what the hell am I supposed to do with that?!) and a piggy bank from Aro. I kid you not.

I then went into town with Heidi to get a costume for the Chrimbo party later on. Aro said that me and Alec should be elves but I strongly disagreed with the idea (a chandelier and a bookshelf was broken in the process) so he said that I should choose my own outfit.

Which was a crap idea to go into town because of course, the shops are closed on Christmas Day.

We ended up scavaging the old dressing up box in Aro's room.

I ended up wearing a white cocktail (that sounds quite rude if you say it slowly) dress, a silver tinsel halo and some diamante heels.

Heidi ended up wearing what she imagined to be a 'sexy ' outfit but really it just made her look like a tart. I didn't say this out loud but I did have a few words to say.

"That outfit means that you're married to Caius." I said, pointing out the obvious.

"Shutup. And anyway, it's ever so stupid that you are an angel because you are quite the opposite."

"This outfit makes me look sophisticated. And you are still married to Caius. Poor Felix."

She shutup then and I was sure that if she had any blood left her cheeks would be beetroot.

Then it was time to P-A-R-T-Y!

Aro had gathered some alcohol (bad idea Aro, bad idea) and everyone was already off their head with drunkness when Heidi and I walked in.

Suddenly (well, after a few glasses of wine. I know I said I hated it, but when everyone else is drinking it you can't say no) I was doing the conga to "Jingle Bell Rock".

I finally broke free of the conga madness and fell over some fool lying on the floor.

That fool lying on the floor turned out to be my brother.

"Hey there."

"What are you doing on the floor?"

"I dunno. Santiago just kind of pushed me out of the conga line and here is now, if you see what I mean."

"You are so drunk Alec. How much have you had?"

"I had that bottle of Vodka to myself. At least - I think I did. And well, you ain't exactly Miss Sober yourself."

I pulled him up off the floor which was a massive mistake.

I was then being dragged and spun around the floor to the classic "Christmas Time" by Darkness.

Then I was pretending to play air guitar.

Then I bumped into Felix. Who was holding some miseltoe.

"Oh yar." He said.

Before I knew it I was under the mistletoe - which, if you must know, was about two feet above me and was touching Felix' head - and, as much as it truly disgusts me to say it, Felix was snogging me.

I was not - I repeat NOT - snogging him back.

I opened my eyes and saw that the room had fallen silent.

I saw Alec looking at me in pure shock, Demetri by his side with a look of jealousyness on his face, Caius looked like a bloated frog with a beard and last but not least, Heidi.

Oh Heidi.

If there was a prize for the most-shocked-and-disgusted-and-cheated-on-face of all time, Heidi would win it hands down. There really was no proper way to describe Heidi's expression.

I shoved lanky Felix off and slapped him the face.

"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!" I yelled.

"Ye-ar. Well smokin' yeah... yeer mate, lurve it..."

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU ON?!"

"Me? I-I'm on... ya mum... on toast... check it bro..."

"My mum doesn't even fit on toast, or the toaster for that matter. To put it lightly, what the, well, what the clucking bell was that all about?" Alec gathered himself together and finally spoke.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS A CLUCKING BELL?!" I shrieked.

Then all hell broke loose. It was becoming a crap family soap opera. Like the Italian version of _EastEnders_, minus the Queen Vic and the fact that nobody had killed anyone... yet.

"Let's have some fun this beat is sick, I wanna take a ride on yo' disco stick." Santiago burst into song.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS A DISCO STICK?!" I yelled, again.

"I think you would know Jane."

"FELIX! YOU MOTHER-FUCKING SON OF A BASTARD BUGGERING BITCH!" Heidi screeched.

"Sorry babes, Jane is... how would you put it..."

"A prostitute?" Corin butted in. I hate him so much.

"The Whore of Babylon?" Alec said. What fresh hell?

"Noy..."

"A ginger freak?" Afton joined in. This is ridiculous.

"I KNOW... I KNOW... YOU... FELIX, YOU'VE BEEN CHEATING ON ME WITH JANE, HAVEN'T YOU?!" Heidi yelled. Yup, this Christmas is becoming crapper by the second.

"WHAT?! FELIX? ME? ME? FELIX? FELIX? ME? MELIX? WHAT THE HELL HEIDI?" I yelled.

"I KNEW IT! ALL ALONG. I JUST KNEW IT!"

"Heidi have you gone off your nut? You know full well what I think of Felix, and it ain't pretty."

"Neither's ya mum."

"STAY OUT OF THIS ALEC!" Heidi screamed.

"Heidi it's only a bit of fun. The turkey's already spoiled, no need to spoil Christmas as well." At least Afton was being somewhat reasonable.

Then he grabbed some miseltoe and snogged Heidi. When he stopped Heidi threw him off and slapped him.

"Look I was only being reasonable..."

"The hell you weren't. You were trying to be all cocky and trying to prove something-"

"AFTON WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT ABOUT?!" Chelsea screeched.

Oh joy oh joy oh joy. My life gets better by the second.

Not.

"JANE YOU STUPID TART!" Heidi yelled at me.

"WHAT?! I DIDN'T EXACTLY WANT FELIX TO KISS ME! AND I DIDN'T EVEN SNOG HIM BACK BECAUSE HE IS A CHAVVY, CRAPPY, GAY, STUPID... FOOL!" I yelled back.

"Alright alright. Heidi simmer down love, it's only a tad bit of fun. Jane you are a tart and you should be ashamed of yourself. Felix you big baffoon - you really aren't the brightest bulb in the box, now are you?" Aro said.

"WELL!" I said.

"Hang on, there are no bright bulbs in the box mate. Thos energy saving light bulbs you bought are absolutely crap. I may as well blunder around in the dark." Alec butted in.

"Alec you twit. Stop trying to be funny because you just aren't." Aro said.

"How rude. Well then, I know when I'm not wanted."

And with that Alec put his hands in his pockets and started doddering off towards the door whistling "Don't You Want Me Baby?" by some band that I can't remember the name of and don't really care about.

Only to be stopped at the doorway by Santa Caius - who was stood with his arms folded in front of Alec. Then like something out of a crap comedy Alec scooted round and whistled off in the opposite direction back to where I was standing.

He winked at me then. "How YOU doin'?"

"That is it. THAT IS IT. I HAVE HAD ENOUGH. ENOUGH OF THIS HELL-HOLE. WHY CAN'T WE HAVE A DRAMA FREE CHRISTMAS? FOR ONCE IN OUR LIFETIME? I HATE YOU FELIX BECAUSE YOU HAVE RUINED MY LIFE AND EVERYONE'S CHRISTMAS. I'M NOT A GREAT FAN OF YOU AT THE MOMENT MASTER ARO, SINCE YOU JUST CALLED ME A TART - WHEN I DIDN'T EVEN DO ANYTHING! AND AS FOR YOU ALEC. WELL. GET A BLOODY LIFE AND A PROPER HAIRCUT. READ THAT BLOODY BOOK I BOUGHT YOU - YOU ARE A CRAP EXCUSE FOR A BROTHER!" I screamed.

I heard the sound of a few jaws popping open then snapping shut again when they realised who they were dealing with.

"Jane. Oh Jane." Aro said.

"Felix we are finished. Jane - I will deal with you later." Heidi hissed and stomped out of the room.

"Fisticuffs at dawn. Woop woop!"

"Shutup Alec. You and your pathetic little comments are making me have a mental breakdown." I growled at him and walked with my head held high towards the door so I could cry and sulk in peace.

"Who is the Whore of Babylon?" I heard Santiago whisper to Alec.

"Ya mum. Or in this case, Jane."

That did it.

I spun round on my heel, slapped Alec, punched Felix in the face, kicked Demetri where the sun don't shine (don't ask why - I know he didn't do anything but I was just not in the mood and unfortunaetly he was standing in the wrong place at the wrong time) and tortured anyone who came near me.

"DAMMIT!"

Then I fled out of the room stopping only to throw the un-defrosted, spoiled turkey off the table.

"Well. That's the turkey gone for a burden." Aro said.

Ciao (my life is so crap right now).

Jane Volturi.

P.S. Everyone was so drunk that they may have forgotton all about it tomorrow.

P.P.S. I very much doubt it.

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**OOOOOOOOOOOOO! Scandal alert! Scandal alert!**

**Phew! That was such a long chappie.**

**Did anyone else actually watch Doctor Who? I feel like a geek when I tell anyone that I did. :L**


	38. 30th December 2009

**Caution: Rant and randomness ahead!**

**Song: "Mouthwash" - Kate Nash. (I hated it before, but now I love it!)**

**And for those who don't know - the song Aro is on about it my fave song of the mo - "Foundations" - Kate Nash.**

**:D**

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**30th December 2009**

Dear Diary,

It's like 'Village of the Damned' round here.

Well it feels like it for me.

I have been hiding out in my room for the past five days because of what happened at the Chrimbo party.

I have no friends because nobody has had the decency to at least ask me if I was okay.

Not that I would let them come in or anything, as they might be Heidi in disguise.

Like she might have put a beard and glasses on so that I would come out of my room so that she could kill me.

Not that I would trust anyone with a beard and glasses because they scare me. (No offense to anyone reading this wearing a beard and glasses. I don't think you can actually wear a beard, but you know).

I feel like a dodgy leper that everyone keeps their distance from.

I have no life.

I am very thirsty.

I have only got my brain to keep me company, and I feel like I'm going to eat it in a minute because it is soooooooo annoying.

I daren't go outside in case someone is hiding outside my door with a gun.

Not that a gun would hurt me, but being shot is the last thing on my list of worries right now.

So.

This is my so-called life.

Everyone and everyone is calling me a tart and the Whore of Babylon because Felix kissed me under the miseltoe.

Demetri has the ultimate hump because I kicked him where the sun don't shine.

Alec is in a stress with me because I had a go at him.

Even Santiago has is giving me the cold shoulder (inner joke! Hahahah... not funny) and God knows why because I didn't even say or do anything to him.

And just as I predicted (although I wished otherwise) _nobody_ forgot what happened, even though _everyone_ was off their head with drunkness, because _everyone_ has brilliant memories.

And last but by no means least, Heidi.

Heidi is going to kill me.

I've been hiding in my room behind my beanbag (not that a beanbag is going to stop people from killing me) and have barricaded my door with my wardrobe and my bed.

I have a ginger hair dye bottle in my hand and I am not afraid to use it.

I have no idea why I happen to have a ginger hair-dye bottle in my hand at this current moment in time, but that's the way it goes.

On the bright side of things (Happy Side of Brain (HSB) "That's more like it! Stop being so emo and gay Jane!" Emo Side of Brain (ESB) "No, come back to the dark side, come... we have cookies!" Me "Shut the hell up!" Oh good. I am having a conversation with myself in my brain. I am bonkers. Brilliant.)

ANYWAY. On the bright side of things (ESB: "DAMMIT JANE!". Oh shutup shutup shutup) Aro caught up with me when I huffed off to sulk at the party.

"You must eat so many lemons, cos' you are so bitter." He said.

I looked at him. "You do realise that I don't eat lemons. And besides, that's the lyrics from a song."

"I know, Sully bought me Kate Nash's album for Christmas and that song is stuck in my head right now."

"That's lovely."

Then he doddered off singing at the top of his voice.

"You must eat so many lemons, cos' you are so bitter."

"I said, I'd rather be with your friends mate, cos' they are much fitter."

Yes.

At least _someone_ is talking to me, even if they do so happen to be bonkers.

As I write this I hear someone knocking, well, _banging_ on my door.

Oh crap. Here comes Heidi with her beard and glasses (maybe the glasses have one of those funny false noses on that.. OH SHUTUP!) and her gun.

Goodnight everyone.

"Jane what the bloody hell have you got behind this door? An elephant?"

"Who is it?" I replied.

"It's Bob McCredie for Breakfast. Who do you think it is?"

"I dunno. Heidi might have had a voice transplant over the past few days."

"A voice transplant?"

"Yes."

"Like the time you said that to hear, we use our ear-sight?"

"Yes that's the one."

"We don't have ear-sight Jane."

"Well, it's a developing world and anything could happen..."

"Jane amusing though this conversation is, I don't enjoy talking to the door. Please can you let me in?"

"Oh fine."

I got up from behind my beanbag and moved my bed and wardrobe out of the way. When Alec opened the door he was greeted with my ginger hair-dye bottle.

"Please watch where you're swinging that Jane. I don't fancy a ginger nose."

"I know what you do fancy though."

"What?"

"A hug from your sister who thinks you are the bestiest brother in the big wide world."

"Jane has the dust in your room gone to your head or something?"

"No. I'm simply asking for a hug because I feel so lonely right now."

Eventually I got a hug and Alec's version of "Lonely" by Akon.

Then he shoved me off, dusted himself down and looked around to see if anyone was looking.

"What did you do that for?" I asked.

"Hugs like, ya know, ruin my reputation and stuff..."

"Ohhhhh right."

Silence.

"What reputation?" I said.

"Ya mum."

"That's what she said."

"Yes. Why the hell have you pushed your furniture to the end of your room? Why are your curtains closed? It's daytime you fool. And why have you got a ginger hair-dye bottle in your hand?"

"Why not?"

"What?"

"Look I was in depressed mode when you blundered in so does that answer your question?"

"It's like a funeral parlor in here. And why are you dressed in black?"

"Because it just so happens to be my favourite colour of the moment."

"Yes but you don't need to wear a black jumper, black leggings and black shoes."

"What's wrong with wearing all black?"

"It's looks a bit like you're going to a funeral."

"I don't care what I look like at this current moment in time. Please shutup about myself and my room and tell me everything that has happened."

And so he shutup about me and my room and told me everything that had happened over the last few days.

The gist of it is; Heidi has not been seen since the party and it is thought that she is planning an efficient way to kill me, Felix has been chavving around as normal but has been ignored by all, Demetri acted like a complete drama queen and used a frozen bag of peas (don't understand why we have those, but hey-ho) to 'sooth' his injury, Aro has continued to be as happy as Larry on drugs, Caius has been huffing around, and Alec has just been wandering around like a fool.

"So basically what you're saying is, no one gives a flying toss about my life."

"Well... to put it... maybe if, no... well yeah."

I broke down at that point.

"Does anyone care? Anyone? I know that I ain't exactly Mother Teresa, but if it was you Alec, who had snogged Felix under the miseltoe and you were moping around in your bedroom dressed in black keeping the curtains closed and pushing all of your furniture to one side of the room and not daring to go outside in case Heidi was waiting for you with a gun and a beard and glasses with a false nose on waiting to kill you, then I would come and see how you were the very first day! You didn't even do that! You took your bloody time - four days, twenty-three hours, fourty-six minutes and eleven point zero five seconds to be precise - to spare me a thought, me, your lovely twin sister who has been your best chum for donkeys years, and actually get off your fat arse to visit me. And now you come here all jolly acting like nothing has happened when it has. And you don't even ask me how I am, you just keep trying to be cocky by telling stupid little jokes that are crap and asking gay questions that are not important. And as much as I love you as a brother you are sometimes just too gay for your own good. And now you come swanning in, cheerfully telling me that nobody gives a flying toss about my life. Well that is it! I may as well go and see Heidi so she can kill me and get it over with."

Long-winded though that speech was, it felt good to get everything off my chest.

I took a deep breath and sat down on the floor dry-sobbing.

"Crikey." Was all Alec said. He mumbled something else about teenagers and girls and hormones, but I was too depressed and stressed to care.

I looked up at him.

"What's the point in life Alec?" I asked.

"Well, I suppose that, if like, you know, maybe love, but I dunno about that, maybe if you... no not that, oh what if... the point in life you say? I dunno really."

"Thankyou for that Alec, that's cleared it all up for me."

Then he sat down next to me and gave me a hug.

"Ewwwwww! Your hair just went in my mouth. Ew... it tastes like carrots... I know the gingerness isn't natural, but is it naturally this curly?" He said.

I snorted. "No, my hair does not taste like carrots, yes the gingerness isn't natural and yes my hair is naturally curly."

"Okey doke. Well then, I think I have the answer to your question Jane."

I snuffled. "What question?"

"The 'What is the point in life?' one."

"Go on then."

He sat up straight and looked me in the eyes. Well one of them anyway. The other one had my fringe in it. Not literally, but yeah.

"Sex, drugs, and sausage rolls."

Even though he was actually being serious, I couldn't help but laugh.

I do love my brother sometimes.

Not in a like, "OMFG! TWINCEST" way. Just in a brotherly way.

Mm.

Ciao!

Jane Volturi.

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**Hopefully you haven't fallen off your chair or died throughout the long speech thing. ;)**


	39. 23rd January 2010

**Sorry for keeping you on edge for what seems like yonks.**

**I'm not dead. Just lazy. :P**

**Song: Ego - The Saturdays.**

**:)**

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**23rd January 2010**

Dear Diary,

I have no life.

Over the past few weeks I've been sat in my room.

I haven't had anything to eat (well, drink).

Alec has come in to my room a few times and even brought me my very own telly which I have haad on constantly.

I've discovered lots of interesting things about things.

For example, did you know that there is a fish called a Barrel-Eye Fish? Which has barrel shaped eyes, a transparant head and a bloated body?

No, I didn't either.

I also watched some fools singing and slapping their thighs, wearing kilts, singing "Aulde Lang Syne" on New Years Eve. Much to my annoyance Alec burst into my room at the stroke of midnight singing the same song, also wearing a kilt. I swear that men wearing skirts is illeagal in this country, but hey-ho.

Aro had a party for New Year's Eve but as soon as I heard Heidi was going I steered clear. The theme was 'dress up as anything apart from Harry Potter because I don't like him'. Very inventive theme from Aro there.

Alec dressed up as a ginger Scottish person. Which involved a hell of a lot of tartan and my ginger hair dye.

I'm not being Scottish-ist and claiming that every Scottish person is ginger. Because they aren't.

For example, look at David Tennant.

Even though he has a dodgy eye.

But he is quite fit.

Some would say I'm too young to be thinking like that. But I would slap them and eat them because I'm a hell of a lot older than him.

I could be his great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandmother.

But you know.

And anyway he isn't Doctor Who anymore. Which kinda sucks.

Instead it's Matt Smith who has one hell of a hairdo.

Seriously, it is a full on boof.

Anyway enough about David Tennant and Scottish people and ginger hair dye and dodgy eyes and boofs and crap.

In a nutshell I did nothing to celebrate New Year's Eve. Alec wanted me to venture out into the open but because of Heidi I didn't dare.

I don't care for New Year's Eve anyway. I've experienced like, a million of them. Why should 2010 be any better?

The only person other than Alec who has come into my room over the past few weeks is Renata.

She visited a few hours ago.

She wasn't quite sure how to react when she walked in to find me holding a ginger hair dye bottle about a few centimeters away from her nose.

That was only because I was keeping myself armed in case Heidi burst in to my room with a false beard and glasses with a plastic nose on and... you get my gist.

And anyways, she looked a bit like a gormless rabbit caught in headlights.

But at least she wasn't Heidi (wearing a false beard and.. SHUTUP!)

But I still had to check if it was her real face in case Heidi had bought a Renata face mask.

That made Renata even more bewildered.

When I was 100% sure that it was the real Renata, I let her in.

She sat on my bed and looked at me.

"Aro's really... kind of... I dunno... worried and stuff." She said.

"Why? Why would he care? He's too busy being slap-happy and super high on his ecstasy or magic mushrooms or something drug-ish."

"I dunno... he just... like kinda, you know...."

"I don't know actually."

"Hmph... I dunno, I dunno what to say to you like, anymore Jane. You're really, weird now. Before Christmas, you were, well not normal..."

"Thankyou."

"I mean it Jane. Please like, come out and stuff."

"I'm not a lesbian if that's what you're getting at."

"I never said..."

"Yes but you were thinking it..."

"I... I was?"

"Yeah."

"Wow."

Renata is not the brightest bulb in the box. But at least she took the courage to dither into my room.

Which is more than can be said for SOME people *cough* EVERYONE *cough*.

After having a staring competition, Renata gave up (not on the staring competiton, just on me) and left.

Which left me on my lonesome.

Which also left me thinking.

Maybe I was being a fool.

Maybe I was over-reacting and Heidi wasn't going to kill me.

Maybe I was just gingering around in my room for the sake of gingering around.

What kind of sense does that make?

None.

But then again. I don't make sense. My whole life is just one big, confuddling, complicated, ridiculous mess.

Maybe I am mentally ill.

Maybe the men in white coats will strap me up in a straight-jacket and cart me off to the looney bin.

Can vampires go mad?

I don't know.

I don't know anything anymore.

And here is now.

I am so bored. Confuddled. Stupid. Foolish. Weird. Crazy. Mentally ill. Demented. Spazzy. Ginger.

I decided to look in my mirror.

I haven't looked in it for ages because I was scared that Heidi might be hiding (ooo that kind of rhymes - Heidi hiding. Heh) behind it.

Anyway I looked in the mirror and saw a ginger person with ginger straw for hair. Blimey.

I also saw black eyes.

And my face was all boney.

Crikey, I am a mess.

Just as I was pulling a really weird face I heard a voice outside of my door.

It wasn't just any voice.

It was a Marks and Spencer's voice.

No it wasn't, what the hell am I on about?

Too much telly really affects the brain.

No - it was the voice I'd been dreading to hear since the Christmas events.

The voice of doom.

It was Heidi's voice.

Outside of my room.

I.

Am.

So.

Dead.

Ciao...

Jane Volturi.


	40. 24th January 2010

**Things that have changed over the past month or so.**

**- I have dyed my hair dark brown and it goes gingery red in the light.**

**- I have had to revise for an exam which counts to 10% of my Science GCSE.**

**- I have probably failed my Science GCSE exam because I spent most revision_ lessons _chatting.**

**- I have probably got even madder.**

**- I have fallen over a million times.**

**- I have an addiction to Mini Eggs.**

**- I've grown even taller and I think I'm 5ft 11 now.**

**And that's about it. :)**

**As for FanFic, I still will continue to write it because I love it and it's awesome but I won't update very often because of school exams, social activities and so on.**

**Song for le chappie of life: "Hollywood" - Marina + The Diamonds.**

**P.S. I have decided to keep the dates of the next few chappies pretty close to the Heidi fandango. **

**:)**

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**24th January 2009**

Dear Diary,

I am sat in a crap field in the middle of nowhere.

I think it might be somewhere near France but I can't be arsed to go and check.

There are a few cows here - but not wearing berets - and a sheep.

I don't think the sheep is supposed to be here.

I think it got lost.

Like me.

The sheep keeps looking at me now. It looks very confuddled.

Like me.

Maybe me and this sheep have more in common than I first thought.

I think I should give it a name.

There is nothing worse in this world than being nameless.

But I won't give it a silly childish name like Bob or Fred.

Or Sally the Sheep.

No, something much more sophisticated.

Beatrice?

Gertrude?

No...

...Hebab?

Hebab the sheep.

"Suits you." I said. Aloud. And do you know who I was talking to?

The sheep.

Hebab, the sheep.

It sounds quite cool, like a James Bond film.

I'll just get Hebab some black sunglasses and....

"Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"

"Bonjour!"

"Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"

"Ca va bien, merci."

Yes I am now talking to a sheep. I don't know how, or why my life has come to this.

I don't know how to speak sheep-ish so I hope it understands French-ish. It's probably a French sheep, it has a kind of moustache.

I don't think it understands French-ish. I'll speak English-ish.

It could be an English-ish sheep.

"Are you French-ish or English-ish?"

"!"

"You aren't sure?"

"!"

"Do you have a beret?"

"!"

"Onions?"

"!"

"Yes the weather is nice today isn't it?"

"!"

And at that precise moment the heavens opened and within seconds I was absolutely soaked.

As was Hebab.

Maybe Hebab is a weather forecaster for sheep-kind.

Maybe his baaaaaaaaah-ing was a sign.

Maybe.

Now that the sun had gone in and my sparkly self had disappeared, Hebab lost interest and plodded off to join the cows.

Oh good.

Rejected by a sheep.

I have no friends. No life. What is the point?

There is no point anymore.

Oh gawd I sound so emo and gay now.

I've got the matted hair and smudged eyeliner as I just rubbed my eyes.

All I need is a knife and I'm off to emo-land.

I looked up to see if Hebab was having any more fun than me.

Oh dear.

I don't think the cows like Hebab very much as they've just started biffing him around with their hooves.

I would go and rescue him but I can't be bothered.

And anyway, he rejected me. He can't expect my help now, can he?

Hmph.

I am now absolutely soaked to the bone. I only have leggings and Alec's big blue jumper on (and yes I have shoes on you crazy fools).

Alec.

I kind of miss him now in a weird gay way.

Not gay.

Just...

I don't know anymore.

I would move to under the trees but I really can't be bothered.

I would go back home but I don't want to because Crazy Woman Heidi will be waiting with an axe or something.

Oh Heidi.

Thank God for windows is all I can say.

So I left you hanging on the ledge of life last time by saying that Heidi was dithering outside of my door. Possibly wearing a beard and glasses with a false nose on it.

I decided to use quick thinking and ran to my window before Heidi could bash in my door with an axe like "The Shinning" or something.

Or is it "The Shining"?

Either way I don't and didn't care.

I actually half expected to see her mad bearded face appear through a big hole in the door with a crazy grin on her face yelling,

"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERE'S JOHNNY!"

You never know.

So I pushed open my window and had a Mission Impossible moment which involved me jumping out of my window and landing on the ground perfectly.

Of course things didn't quite go so perfectly and I ended up landing awkardly on the floor rolling down the little concrete hill thing.

After I recovered from the window fandango I ran and ran until I ended up in this field which I am sat in now.

I am so bored.

And wet.

Hebab has decided to run like the wind (not quite, sheep have quite stubby legs) and has therefore abandoned me in the field of life.

I don't care though.

Not really.

What is the point in me living now? Seriously like.

Vamps can't kill themselves can they?

No they can't.

How gay is that.

I might try and starve to death...

"JANE? JANE! I KNOW YOU'RE HERE, I CAN SEE YOUR GINGERNESS FROM MILES OFF."

I sat bolt upright and turned to the place where someone was yelling.

I saw Alec's face looming through a bush (oo-er) and immediately got up to run to him like something out of a crap movie.

It was even in slow-motion.

Kind of.

I have never been so happy to see my brother in all of my life.

And that's saying something.

After a reunion hug and stuff Alec decided to be all gay and cheesey and started rambling on about how great it is to see me and how brill it is to have a sister and random crap like that.

It made no sense but I was very happy to see him.

So we went back home and I even played Monopoly with Alec I was that ecstatic.

But I won't be doing it again because I didn't win.

Even though I stole £2000 from him when he turned his back to talk to Felix.

Pfft.

It's nice to be home.

Even if it is a craphole.

And I still haven't faced up to Crazy Woman Heidi.

Eeeeek!

Ciao!

Jane Volturi.


	41. 25th January 2010

**Song for this chappie: "Whatcha Say" - Justin Derulo. ;)**

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**25th January 2010**

Dear Diary,

Alec is going to take me on a day out today to cheer me up after the running away fiasco.

Which is quite groovy.

Hopefully we'll be going shopping because I need to buy some new hair dye and stuff.

But we probably won't be because Alec is a boy and he acts all gay when I go shopping with him.

So anyway.

As usual the day got off to a great start with a huge kerfuffle involving a teacup, a collision, a smash and a lot of yelling and chavving about.

All I wanted was some fresh blood straight from the fridge.

But is anything that simple in this madhouse?

Of couse it isn't.

Especially not when Alec and Felix are about.

It all started when I took the blood out of the fridge and poured it into my teacup.

Then Alec took interest in what I was doing.

"Ay, ay, what's this then? Blood from the fridge? Blood? Fridge? Cold blood?"

"Well done."

"You can't be drinking that m'dear. It's vile stuff. Warm it up."

"Go away you stupid fool. All I want is some nice fresh blood to drink before we go out anywhere. Is that alright with you? Obviously not."

"Just warm it up first."

"How about no."

"How about yes."

"How about no."

"How about I put it in the oven for you."

"How about no."

But as usual, my request fell on deaf ears and Alec got up out of his chair and grabbed the tea cup off me.

Then there was a bit of a scuffle and kerfuffle and my teacup ended up on the floor, along with the litre of blood inside.

"NOW LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE YOU BLUNDERING BLIND FOOL!"

Then, at crap timing as usual, Felix came chavving in.

"OH GO AWAY!"

"All I wanna do is see what's goin' on 'ere."

Then I trod on a piece of teacup. It went straight through my ballet shoe.

"OWWWWWWWWWWW!"

"HAHA! You wimp. Teacup material doesn't even hurt us a- AWOWWWWWWWWW!"

"THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT."

"Alright children pipe down. Stay where you are..."

"SHUTUP FELIX!"

"Stay where you are. If you really 'ave to move, don't walk, just SLIIIIIIIIIIIIIDE YA FEET!"

"What the actual fuck Felix." I said.

"Ya face."

"What?!"

"Whatcha say?" Alec said.

"ALTOGETHER NOW, BOOOOOOM, WHATCHAAAA SAYYYYYY!" Felix yelled, and unfortunately for everyone he started chavving around, grabbing his bits like they were going to fall off and waving one hand in the air.

"SHUTUP, I-OWWW!" I screeched.

"JANE DON'T BLOODY MOVE LIKE THAT. SLIDE YOUR FEET!" Felix said.

"SLIDE YOUR FEET?"

"YEPPERS! SLIDE THOSE FEET!"

"WHY?"

"Just do it."

"I'M SLIDING BABY!" Alec yelled.

"ALEC WHAT ARE YOU ON?!"

"SLIDE 'EM BABYY!"

"Jog on."

"Don't you mean, SLIIIIIIIDE ON!"

"No."

"SLIIIIIIIIIDE!"

"Look I am not bloody sliding anywhere, I- OWWW! WHY DOES THIS HURT SO MUCH?"

At which point I stepped on another piece of teacup and went sliding across the bloodied tiles until I crashed into the fridge door. Which broke.

And fell on top of me.

"That's how you slide." Felix said before chavving off whistling the theme tune to _The Simpsons._

Once everything and everyone was cleaned up (which took a while seeing as Alec was blundering around singing _Cha Cha Slide_ and sliding everywhere at every oppurtunity) I was finally ready to go out somewhere. We didn't exactly plan where we were going, but anywhere would be better than the craphole we're in right now.

I don't think I'm going to be getting anywhere at the moment because Alec is fannying around with Santiago (oo-er) on his new karaoke machine which he bought off eBay for £26.99. Which didn't include the £3.28 postage and packaging fee I ended up paying for because Alec ran out of money in his piggy bank.

Even though we practically have unlimited money.

But Alec doesn't like that idea and asks Aro for pocket money every week. Apparantly it makes him seem more 'human'.

I don't get it really because I just take money whenever I need it.

As does everyone else.

But you can't tell Alec these things.

So anyway.

I sat and watched for what seemed like hours as Alec belted his heart out to great classics such as "Agadoo" and "The-Numa-Numa-Song-Which-I-Don't-Know-The-Proper-Name-Of-But-I-Do-Know-That-Some-Fat-Guy-Dances-To-It-On-YouTube".

If you see what I mean.

And I think you do.

The worst part came when Alec tried to get me up to sing "Don't Stop Believin'" with him.

In the end, after a lot of shoving and torturing and yelling and so forth, I agreed to sing it with him.

But what he didn't know was that I was cleverly going to mime my heart out whilst I played my parts (oo-er) on my iPod.

What? I can mime better than Cheryl Cole and Britney Spears put together.

Which basically means I am a brilliant mimer.

Even though Cheryl Cole and Britney Spears are crap mimers.

But that doesn't matter.

I was doing well with my miming fandango until Alec caught me pressing play on my iPod.

He had a complete tiz and to-do about it which I thought was highly unfair seeing as he broke my teacup and therefore ruined my brekkie this morning.

Eventually I managed to drag him away from his karaoke machine (which has High School Musical written all over it, much to my amusement) and out of the doors of doom.

It was absolutely chucking it down when we got outside which was brill because we could go out without being accused of being walking-talking disco balls.

We walked into the town centre and seeing as we were soaked already I thought it would be funny to shove Alec into the big fountain.

Unfortunately great minds think alike and what I didn't know was that Alec was thinking the exactly the same thing as me.

Which meant that we were both plunged into the big fountain thing.

It was like something out of Chuckle Brothers.

It also caused a big splash which amusingly hit an innocent passer by.

I struggled to get up because I was laughing so much.

Have you ever experienced laughing under water?

Trust me, it isn't a great feeling.

Especially since the water went up my nose so I ended up coughing and spluttering really badly until Alec waddled along waist deep in water to smack me so hard on the back that I fell out of the fountain onto the floor.

I thought that for amusments sake I could pretend to be dead so that the passer by person wouldn't hit me with their umbrella or handbag or something crap like that.

Unfortunately Alec had other ideas and jumped on me so hard I was forced to sit up and face the innocent passer by person.

Oh.

My.

Actual.

God.

WOAH! Talk about mutton dressed as lamb.

I was stunned into silence and looked like a bewildered bumblebee.

Alec luckily found his voice and apoligised for our immature behaviour.

Mutton simply huffed and puffed and waddled off complaining about the youth of today.

She reminded me of Caius when he once dressed up as a drag queen for a party.

Actually Caius was better looking as a woman than she was.

Alec and I watched in horror as her chubby bottom waddled off into the distance.

Short leather skirt and thigh high boots are not a good combination for anyone, let alone if they are sixty foot wide.

She had blonde and black straggly hair and a ton of make up on as well.

Alec turned to look at me as Mutton disappeared out of our sight.

He shook his head in mock horror and said,

"The things you see when you haven't got a gun."

Yeah, that was my day.

Ciao!

Jane Volturi.


	42. 16th June 2010

**Note: OK! I KNOW it's been yonks, but I've been busy and crap. Yeah.**

**So, I guess I ought to update this story. Hehe. :)**

**Song: "Wavin' Flag" - K'naan. (lol)**

**:D**

**16th June 2010**

Sup Diary,

Yeah ok, I know I've not written in you for like, ages, but you know.

I've been BUSY. Having a life and crap.

So you want to know what's happened in the past few months? Yeah I bet you do.

- I dyed my hair brown again because Alec and Felix just took the ginger jokes TOO far.

- I beat up Alec six times.

- I gave Felix a pretend ASBO because he just took the biscuit when he bought a chodey midget bike that's too small even for me. Then he broke it because he did a wheelie and crashed into a small toddler.

- I laughed at the small toddler when it face planted the tree. (What? The kid is stupid enough to walk into a tree, it deserves to get laughed at by me)

- I have been avoiding Heidi like the plague, and I STILL haven't spoken to her. Not that I care.

- I discovered that Caius is gay.

Well, it's what I like to think. Well I don't like to think it, but yeah. Ever since I accidentally discovered his gay magazines I've been doing some undercover detective work (i.e. walking into his room when he wasn't there) and have since discovered one of the most disturbing things in my life.

A silk leopard print thong.

It wasn't a woman's either.

EW.

So since then I have been accidently on purpose talking about thongs for men whenever Caius walks past.

But one time my plan epically failed because I was the only one there.

So I was talking to myself about thongs.

So, anyway, back to the future.

I am, at the moment, lying on my bed, recovering from the excitement of my fascinating life.

The most interesting thing that happened today was that Felix set fire to his hair because he was trying and failing at smoking.

That was it.

"HERE! I've got one for you Jane dear." Yelled Alec, bursting into my room as usual. Without my permission as usual.

I got up off my bed and walked past him to show him that I couldn't give a toss about his life.

But of course, Alec followed me.

"Right right, right. Listen. Oh, this has to be like, the best joke ever!"

"Who cares?"

"Your mum."

"Right. That is it. I have had it with the "your mum" jokes. They're not even funny."

"Neither is your mum."

"This is just crap."

"So's your mum... in bed. Oooooooh! Silence!"

I looked at him.

"Haha that was a good one, you just got owned Jane!"

I looked at him again.

"You just basically said that you had sex with OUR mum. I think you'll find you're the one who's owned around here."

"Whatever. So yeah, here's me joke."

"I don't care."

"Did you know that 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape?"

I looked at him. Again.

"HAHAHA. DO YOU GET IT? 9, OUT OF 10... HAHA!"

"That isn't funny. That is rude and offensive and crap."

"So is your face. Ooooooh! Gimme' some butter, I'm on a roll!"

"Your mum IS a roll. Several, in fact. Ooooh! Suck on that bitch!" I said.

At which point Heidi strutted past, swishing her stupid purple crap hair about with a pout big enough to envy Mick Jagger after being stung on the lips by a swarm of bees. Has she had some crap surgery on them?

She then deliberately said "Hi" to Alec and completely IGNORED me.

Well that is it. I have had enough of hiding. It's time to come out.

No I don't mean that I am a lesbian.

"Nice lips there Heidi Hi, I'm sure every cod in the village will envy you."

Alec yelled out a huge "HA!" and then coughed like a crap coughing thing.

Heidi stopped in her tracks.

Alec quietly began to sing to himself, "Turn around, big lips..." to the tune of that crap song "Total Eclipse of the Friggin' Heart".

But of course having sensitive hearing, Heidi whipped round and was soon right in my face (WHEY HEY!).

"Sorry, did you say something shortarse?"

Ooooooooh now she'd really got me upset.

"Yeah I did actually."

"Don't play smart with me mate." She grabbed my hoodie and pulled me (WHEYYY!) closer to her so that her face was practically a blur. Apart from her lips, that is.

"Er, I think you'll find that I haven't been your 'mate' since last Christmas. For God's sake Heidi, can't you just let it go? And let me go while your at it? This is a favourite hoodie of mi..."

"Let it go? LET IT GO?" She pulled my hoodie strings tighter. If I was human I would be well dead right now. "You, Jane, are the most pathetic and stupidest slag I know. And I know quite a few, I can assure you."

"You don't need to assure me, I'm looking at one right now."

Out of the corner of my eye I noticed Alec started waving hands around like a mong before realising this was getting serious.

The whole entire building must have realised this was getting serious because when I looked up everyone was staring at me and Heidi.

I looked back up at Heidi - which was difficult since she was a centimetre away from my face and is also at least 2ft taller than me - and she looked furious.

"And besides, I don't know what you're so worked up about, it's not like Felix is a good kisser anyway..."

That blew it.

"YOU HORRIBLE BITCH OF A TART!"

Then she slammed me against the wall.

Right then. If that's how it is.

I pushed her back and grabbed her hair. Then Heidi screeched and slapped me. I punched her fat ass lips (don't know why) and I was half expecting a slow motion comedy moment where her botox flies out of her lips across the room, comically landing in Alec's gay face.

Actually no, because Alec is my brother and he made me almost laugh when he started singing that song about Heidi's lips.

Anyway.

Heidi growled and threw me straight into bloody Old Thongy Caius.

There was a chorus of "WHEYYYY's" before Heidi dropped to the ground screaming.

I got up off Caius (woah) and for some random reason Alec slapped both of his cheeks (Caius' cheeks, not his own. That would have been STOOPID) and cheerily said "Nice to see you getting in there with my sister mate."

Caius was obviously furious that he'd had a woman on top of him so he scrambled up quickly before huffing off.

I think he enjoyed the attention of Alec though.

"Blimey, your Jane gets around quite a lot doesn't she, the mini slag." I heard Crap Corin comment to Alec. By the way, Corin's hair has kind of grown back to a normal length but it still looks fug.

Felix started honking with laughter for some stupid reason and shoved Demetri into me.

FOR GOD'S SAKE.

"OH MY BLOODY DAYS! WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM PEOPLE? STOP SHOVING ME INTO GUYS. I'M NOT A SLAG..."

"Yeah she's my bitch." Felix said UNHELPFULLY, as Heidi got up, spat the word "Slag" in my direction and huffed off with her head held high. Her head was held too high though because she tripped over Renata who was randomly lying down in the corridor. Don't even ask.

Alec looked at me.

Corin looked at me.

Demetri looked at me.

Marcus looked at me.

Renata got up and looked at me.

Felix stopped pratting about and looked at me too.

EVERYONE was looking at me.

For fook's sake.

"WHAT?" I yelled.

"Blimey Jane." Demetri said.

"Wow. I though Heidi was a prozzie..." Corin smirked.

"What a slag!" My darling brother Alec added.

"Jane you are such a slag, LOL joke you're a 698 year old virgin." Felix snorted

"Oooooh, you gonna take that Jane?" Alec said.

"I'll take your mum in a minute."

"Wheyyyyyy!" Santiago punched the air.

"Who asked YOU!"

"Like a Virgin, OOH! Touched for the very first time!" Alec sang (craply).

"WHEYYYYY!"

"BLOODY HELL PEOPLE. I'VE KISSED ONE PERSON IN MY WHOLE LIFE - I WAS EVEN DRUNK AT THE TIME - AND NOW YOU'RE ALL GANGING UP ON ME? WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? I'M NOT A SLAG. AND I DON'T CARE ABOUT HAVING A BOYFRIEND, BECAUSE YOU'RE ALL STUPID TWATS!"

I stopped and gave the death glare to everyone who had annoyed me before huffing off to strop in my bedroom.

I heard Alec get up off the floor, kick someone in the face and then started running off to me.

"What do you want."

"Jane it was only a bit of fun..."

"I bet that's what Paris Hilton said when her sex tape 'accidentally' leaked on the internet."

"What? She released a sex tape?"

"Alec."

"I'm sorry... you're not a slag... unless everyone knows something I don't?"

"Alec. I haven't done anything . If I had then you'd know about it. "

"Really? You'd tell me first?"

"No."

"What?"

"No I wouldn't tell you. And you know why? Because you're a dick."

Then Aro came up to us, and he was blatantly stoned. He was also crying for some crap reason.

"I just watched E.T... it's so sad at the end, some spaceship comes and takes him away and he waves and the kid cries then out of nowhere in the corner The Grinch starts breakdancing in the corner with Jedward."

What the fuck?

"What the fuck?"

"I know.. I haven't cried so hard since the season finale of _Glee_."

For fuck's sake.

I walked into the loungey room hoping that no one would be in there to humiliate me even further, but to absolutely no surprise, Friggin' Felix and Damn Demetri were in there supposedly watching the World Cup.

"Mine's bigger than your's."

"Is it 'eck."

"Fine then! I'll show you..."

And with that Demetri scrambled off to, I assumed, take his trousers off for Felix.

I don't care anymore.

"I bet you'd like to see mine wouldn't you J?" Felix sniggered and winked at me.

I gave him the middle finger (NO! NOT LIKE THAT! TAKE YOUR DISGUSTING MIND ELSEWHERE!) and sat down to watch the rest of the crap game.

Alec sat on top of me for no reason and started talking to Felix.

"What you on about mate? I bet mine's bigger than both of your's put together!" He said.

I shoved him off on to the floor and settled down to watch China v U.S.A.

"What the hell? I swear U.S.A. don't even play football." I said.

"I bet you wish they were playing you." Felix said.

"ARGH! FUCK OFF. I'M NOT A BLOODY SLAG! I've only ever kissed one person!"

Alec came to my rescue. "No they don't, they play soccer."

"Why can't they play football? Why are they even in the World Cup then?"

"Because the U.S.A. call football "soccer"."

"What the hell? Why can't they call it football like the rest of us?"

"Because the U.S.A. like to..."

"HERE IT IS!"

Demetri scrambled in with a maHOOsive Italy hat.

"Ah, I see what you mean. Yours is definitely bigger." Felix said before chavving off to get his.

Then Santiago came in out of nowhere, fell to his knees and yelled "COME ON CHINA!"

"Are you Chinese or something mate?" Alec said.

"As it happens, no. But they're good team."

"Aye man." Alec said randomly.

Then there was this huge crash followed by a yell.

"FUCKING PENIS TWAT BASTARD."

What the hell?

I actually give up on life.

But I may as well check out what's happened.

Ciao.

Jane Volturi.

**Have a nice ass day. :)**


	43. 17th June 2010

**This next chapter is from Alec's P.O.V. I know he has his own diary and stuff, but I want to finish Jane's diary soon with fifty chapters and I've already got a few lined up.**

**I also think that Alec's point of view is really neccessary for the next chapter.**

**I wrote this when I was in a bad mood (we had no donuts in the house), so please excuse the fact that this chapter isn't really funny, but it is definitely going to link in well with the next chapter, which I will hopefully post either tomorrow or Monday.**

**Plus this chapter is pretty long haha. Soz about that. :)**

**Songs: - "Another One Bites The Dust" - Glee Version. **

** - "Hometown Glory" - Adele. :)**

* * *

**17th June 2010**

Hello JANE'S Diary,

Yeah. It's me. ALEC! Rejoice!

So. I'm writing in Jane's diary because:

a) I lost mine

and

b) So she can look back at my entry and realise what a mong she is.

Hmph.

So I'll pick up where she left off.

Um, where did she leave off.

"Then there was this huge crash followed by a yell.

"FUCKING PENIS TWAT BASTARD."

What the hell?

I actually give up on life.

But I may as well check out what's happened.

Ciao.

Jane Volturi."

Her diary entries fail so badly.

So anyway, what did happen was that Afton and Chelsea had just had a row so Afton had just been rejected and more to the point, got a wardrobe full of his clothes thrown at him.

That was it.

Afton was just kind of lying uselessly in the corridor with a wardrobe on top of him, but no one could be arsed to go and help him so life went on as normal (basically everyone went back to watch the U.S.A. fail against China).

After the game I went to my room and logged onto Facebook because I was bored.

I love Facebook. It's amazing! I even found the profile of the mother of the small toddler that Felix ran over and Jane laughed at.

I added her as a friend just to clear the air but she declined.

Ah well.

At the moment I have 14 friends, which is pretty good considering I've only had it for a few months. Jane is currently in the lead with 296 friends, but that's only because she adds everyone she's ever seen in her life. She never goes on it anyway. Well she did last night, just to express her anger about what happened yesterday.

Here's her status:

**Jane Volturi** I HATE EVRYONE AND EVRYTHING. I AM NOT A SLAG. FML. :(

6 hours ago - Comment - Like

Alec Volturi, Felix Volturi, Demetri Volturi and 10 others like this.

**Comments**

**Felix Volturi **LOL U LYK GOT WELL OWND 2DAY!

**Jasper Hale **-_ (WTF?) _haha what happened?

**Jane Volturi** y the fuck would I tell u u man whore

**Alec Volturi **LOL! Jasper got owned!

**Jasper Hale** Hey! I was only asking... sounds like ur more of a man whore thn me heh heh. ;)

**Demetri Volturi** FUCK OFF YOU FUCKING TWATTY TRAMPY GAY. NO1 LIKES U! :(

**Jasper Hale **^^ Haha jane got owneyed. :P

**Demetri Volturi** I was talking to u jasper u dumbass.

**Alec Volturi **OHHHHH! OWNAGE!

**Jasper Hale** :'(

**Emmett Cullen **lol bu like wha... yer wat appened?

**Jane Volturi** ur mum

**Edward Cullen** I WILL END YOU! :D

**Jane Volturi **EW! WHY ARE U EVEN MY FRIEND? I DON'T ACCEPT SHE MALESS! :(

**Edward Cullen** y r u friends with ya mum then? :o

**Jane Volturi **er, i'm not. you fail so badly at life. goooo get bella preggers.

**Alec Volturi** OOOOOH! SHE WENT THERE!

**Edward Cullen **goooo andddddd deeee

**Jane Volturi **^ prime example of an epic fail.

**Edward Cullen **so's ya facee

**Felix Volturi** seriously maytee like, edward, go andd get ur handbagg reddyyy, cos i will endd youu and stab u with an ovenn gloveee.

**Alec Volturi** perrywinkle.

**Jane Volturi **ARGHH! TOO MANY NOTIFICATIONS! WTF ALEC + FELIX? edward u call urself a vamp? u fail so badly. i mean REAL vampires don't eat friggin animals you trampp. go and die in a hole u tranny.

**Emmett Cullen **Lol no1 likes u edward haha owned. :L

**Edward Cullen **hey ur on my side? :O

**Emmett Cullen** nah mate i'm on ur mums side.. of the bed. ;)

**Jane Volturi** owned. no one lyks u edward, just leave now.

**Jacob Black** hey i missed it oo whats happenedd?

**Emmett Cullen **ur such a tramp jakee, were u too busy fucking renesmee to noticee? :L

**Jacob Black** err... no. just die.

**Santiago Volturi **Jane got ina fight with heidi cos heidi is a slag and so is jane, they were avin a bitch fyte to c who was the worst shlag! haha :DD

**Jacob Black** HAHAHAAAA OWNEDD!

**Jane Volturi** ^^ Jacob Black? who is this kid? does any1 kno him?

**Felix Volturi** u shud no jaynee u probs had sex with him but dont remember cos uve had so many 1 nighters OOH!

**Renesmee Cullen** oMg JacoB? u like got wiv a vampyy? i thort i new u betta dan dat, :'(( we'ree ovaa.

**Jacob Black **NESSIE! NO! IT WASN'T LYK DAT...

**Alec Volturi **Wow this is better than an ep of eastenderss.

**Emmett Cullen **hahaaha jacob got ownedd, renesmee y do u have fb? i swear ur like, 5.

**Edward Cullen** yes nessiee jacob doesnt luv u anymoree. YAY now i wont have a dog as a son in law hehe g2g byeeeee lyl xxxx

**Jane Volturi **HAHA jacob kid getting owned just made my nyt. i'll see u next saturday kay jakey? i'll be there at the hotel at 5 ;) ly jakeyy xxxx

**Jacob Black **fuk off janeeeeeee. this is serious

**Jane Volturi** o? i thought we were playing it casual for a while, but if that's what u want... serious it is! tatty bye! :) xxx

**Alec Volturi **complete and utter ownage. byee! :)

**Bella Cullen **oh damn i missed everything. :(

**Alec Volturi **as usual. what a fail.

Yeah. So that is basically what happened last night. Jane still has the humpiest of humps and is sulking in MY bedroom because Felix thought it would be funny to break her bed.

I really worry for Felix's sanity sometimes.

I do believe that I'm the only normal person left around here... Jane's sulking all the time, Felix is just... chavving and being generally a prat and a fool, Aro is drugged up I'm sure of it, Caius is gay, Marcus is boring and so is everyone else.

And as for me? Well I'm a calm and nice, friendly person. I was there for Jane when she was accused of being a tart wasn't I?

Alright yes, I joined in but I stopped.

I also think that I lighten up people's spirits with my witty and funny jokes. That is what I like to think.

But what I think is usually declared stupid and gay by my dear sister, who is now practising knife throwing... in my, bedroom... HEY!

"JANE YOU HAVE JUST RUINED MY POSTER OF WESTLIFE AND I... OH! NO! NO! LEAVE THE KARAOKE MACHINE OUT OF THIS I CA-"

Jane's stupid cackly laugh echoed my bedroom as the knife began to slice through the top of my treasured karaoke machine, right through the middle of Zac Efron's beautiful smiling face...

It all happened so quickly yet to me it was like someone had switched on some slow motion music and slowed everything down...

Then I was snapped back to reality as the knife cut through the electrics and sparks flew out.

Everything came to a standstill as the knife finally dropped to the floor.

I didn't even know that knive's could cut through something like that.

Jane was now on the floor.

"HA! HAHAHAHA! OH, MY, DAYS! THAT... THAT'S CLASS! COMEDY GOLD! HAHAHAHA!"

I. Was. Seething.

I let out all of my rage that had obviously been building up inside of me for a long time.

All of those times Jane had tortured me, accused me of being gay, beaten me up...

"RARRGHHHHHH!"

I growled and hissed and spat and then made my way across the room to Jane.

Wow. I felt like some kind of God.

King Kong.

The Incredible Hulk.

I know now why Jane takes out her anger on so many people, it feels... so good. (That last part sounded a bit dodge, might want to retype that later...)

So. Anyway.

I threw Jane across the room and she landed with a huge thud on my bloody chair that I'd just been sat on.

It automatically shattered into a million splinters.

Jane slowly dragged herself off the floor and looked in some kind of shock for a moment.

I expected her to automatically lash back at me, torture me, punch me, whatever.

But she didn't.

She just stood there and stared at me.

She looked like she was going to cry.

Woah! Role reversal alert! Normally I'm the one who'd turn on the (invisible) waterworks...

In that moment. I felt horrible.

Like a monster.

I stared at Jane for ages.

I waited for her to lash out. In a way, I wanted her to.

"You threw me across the room because of a bit of plastic with Zac Efron's face on it?" She whispered, and her voice wavered like she was going to start crying.

Woah this was really weird.

I've thrown her around quite a few times, but only for a bit of a laugh, or when she was fighting with me (we always end up fighting for a joke). But not like this (okay once, but she threw me first!).

I felt so horrible that I wanted to leap over and give her a hug.

But then something awful happened.

She laughed.

She laughed so hard I thought she'd fall out of the window.

Suddenly I didn't want to give her a hug anymore.

"JANE! I HATE YOU! I'M FED UP OF BEING THE BORING, CALM, NAIVE, GAY, BROTHER! I'M 1 MINUTE AND 43 SECONDS OLDER THAN YOU! I SHOULD BE THE ONE THROWING YOU AROUND, BEATING YOU UP AND LAUGHING AT YOU! WHY ARE YOU SO EVIL!"

She didn't stop laughing, she continued until I thought she was going to explode.

I felt like I was going to explode.

With ANGER!

Right. This is it.

Give her a taste of her own medicine. I don't care if she gets hurt. She's hurt me physically with her power way too many times now.

I shoved her over twisted her arm so it was behind her back.

She finally stopped laughing and got a grip.

Got a grip on MY NECK for God's sake.

She hissed at me and shoved me so I fell on my back.

She untwisted her arm and kicked and punched me.

I hissed at her and grabbed hold of her arms so she couldn't attack me.

I've always been against hitting a woman. Under no circumstances should it be allowed.

So I kicked her leg instead.

Then we carried on like this for what seemed like ages before Felix came along and started to do this random ass rapping.

Then Demetri came along and spurred us on before realising the fight was serious so he stepped back and watched and basically did nothing.

Felix then uselessly dived on top of us and really hurt my ribs.

He isn't a lightweight, I'll you that for free.

Jane was underneath the pile so she couldn't torture us like she normally does.

Then suddenly everyone thought it would be funny to have a nice friendly pile up in MY, I repeat MY, bedroom.

I think in the end there was about nine people on top of me, so that would make Jane have ten people on top of her, and eight people on top of Felix.

It really, really hurt.

Especially because I couldn't move my arms as I was still holding Jane's arms behind her back.

Eventually everyone recovered from their giggle fits and piled off (no pun intended) back to their stupid bedrooms.

It was just me and Jane left.

I looked around my bedroom and it was like a flippin' bombsite.

Nearly everything was broken, apart from my bed and desk.

And, thankfully, my laptop.

I felt like crying as the energy saving light bulb bit the dust and smashed on my back.

"Gnet noff nee nease." Jane mumbled.

I then realised that I was still on top of her (no) so I rolled off and turned my head so I was looking at her.

She looked in a lot of pain.

"You okay?" I asked.

"No."

I felt mean.

"...I'm sorry..."

"Hm."

"You just really pissed me off. You always have to ruin everything. Break everything."

"I know."

"Well aren't you sorry too?"

"No. Why should I be? I think you've broken something..."

"Oh dear."

"I'm being serious."

I sighed. "It always has to be about you, doesn't it. Just because you can torture people, just because people are scared of you..."

"I don't care about-"

"Exactly. You never care. I love you Jane, but sometimes I feel like ripping your throat out because you're so self obssessed. Always going on about how much your life sucks. Well, look at me. Look at my room. I don't exactly have the life of Riley now do I?"

"Alec. I know and I don't care, because right now I seriously think-"

"Yeah. I get it. It's all 'me me me' with you. Well guess what. I don't care." I said the last sentence with such certainty and menace that I even scared myself.

Then I just left her there, to think about what she's done.

And now I'm sat on Jane's broken bed, writing in her stupid dumb diary.

I hope she reads this and knows that others have feelings too.

Wow. Re-reading this, it sounds pretty deep.

I feel a bit like Shakespeare. Minus the bald head and moustache of course.

Goodbye.

Alec Volturi.

* * *

**Seven chapters to go!**

**In the summer holidays I think I'm going to start a new Jane's Diary (Part II), so don't like, cry or anything when it comes to the final chapter of this one. ;)**

**Lol jk, I know you won't cry. :)**

**P.S. You might do actually... :O**


	44. 18th June 2010

**Oh. Hi.**

**So. Yeah. I didn't like, put the porridge in the microwave without any milk in it this morning so the oats burnt and crap. Oh and I didn't like, drop the porridge bowl on the floor causing a BURNT oat explosion either. And later on, I didn't get sent out of Science for doing a bit of gospel dancing with my friends. And I definitely didn't get told by my Science teacher that my grades are appalling for someone of my intelligence. Oh and also, I DEFINITELY didn't fail my Math's test, oh no. **

**Yeah, I'm not like, in a bad mood today or anything. :(**

**Reviews cheer me up. So does sarcasm.**

**I hope you all had a nice ass day. Because I sure as hell didn't.**

**Song: "Fuck You" - Lily Allen.**

**:')**

* * *

**18th June 2010**

Dear Diary,

For God's sake.

I hate Alec so much. HOW DARE HE BRUTALLY ATTACK ME! What a major mong.

And what's even worse was that he left me lying on the floor in his skanky trampy bedroom in obvious pain.

Because the pile up really hurt.

I've only just managed to crawl back to my bedroom. Not wanting to attract any attention, just wanting to sit and complain in my bedroom, but of course everyone gives me attention and asks me useless pathetic questions when I don't want them to.

This time it was friggin' Caius.

"What in the name of arse are you doing crawling around on the floor?"

"Well, to put it straight (I giggled inwardly at my pun, but you're way too slow to get it so I'll just move swiftly on), I'm, I'm seeing what it's like to be a dog."

"What?"

"I'm fascinated by dogs, they are so, um, doggy. So I'm spending today in the shoes, or rather, paws, of a dog."

I could tell he wasn't buying it, but I really couldn't give a toss because I just wanted to lie on my bed and have a rant.

He eyed me suspiciously before I remembered my cunning plan.

"I heard somewhere that dogs like to play with THONGS. It's an interesting theory, don't you think? Considering that most dogs are gay. Did you know that Master?"

It worked because Caius scuffled off scratching the back of his head complaining about dogs and teenagers.

I laughed but it hurt so I carried on crawling towards my bedroom.

I must have looked like a right mongmeister.

I finally reached the door of my bedroom only to find my diary lying on my BROKEN bed wide open.

I would have yelled at something but there was no one to yell at and I didn't want to attract anymore attention, and besides, it really HURT whenever I spoke and stuff.

I hauled myself up and tried to sit on my beanbag instead but I kind of rolled off and ended up faceplanting the floor.

OW.

What was wrong with me?

I leaned against my beanbag and closed my eyes.

I wish I could sleep.

It would be perfect. It's all so peaceful at the moment.

Apart from the fact that the stupid bloody owls are owling and howling and TWIT-twooing somewhere in the distance. TWIT-twooing? You're not kidding mate. Owls are twits.

I wanted to go and eat the owl to shut the bugger up but I couldn't because it hurt like hell whenever I tried to get up.

I collapsed on my beanbag and closed my eyes AGAIN.

Oh good, the owls had shut up.

Ah. Now it was all peaceful and quiet. Not a sound.

Bliss.

Pure, pure bliss.

"WHEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!"

"GET IN THERE ITALY! FUCKING YES! SHOW 'EM WHAT YOU'VE GOT, OH, OH, YEAHHH BABY!"

"THEY FUCKING SCORED! YES LAD. I LOVE YOU!"

I felt like crying.

Why, why, why?

I was practically asleep. Then these twits had to come along and ruin it for me.

I couldn't give a flying toss about the world cup.

We weren't going to win anyway, our team is too vain. They run off the pitch when it starts raining because of their hair. And I swear that I saw one player shoot off because it was "too humid for this".

I don't care anyway.

Then it went quiet for a bit until some twit started yelling random crap like "GET IN THERE MY SON!" and "WHEY-HEY!" and "INNIT BLAD, YEAH MAYTEE!" and "AW, MAN UP MATE!".

Probably Felix.

Then it went quiet again and someone with a much quieter voice whispered something to someone. I couldn't tell what they were saying. But I swear I heard my name.

Then some prat walked in, asked for the score and went,"Well butter me and call me toast."

What?

I moaned and tried to roll over to reach for my diary, because it was obvious someone had either read it or written in it. Some people don't exactly act subtle about these kind of things.

I couldn't reach it because it was too far up the bed and I couldn't be arsed to get up because, as I've said many a times before, it HURT.

I heard footsteps headed in what I assumed, was my direction.

For fook's sake, I really don't need this today, not now.

I knew who it was.

"Alec, please, just go away, I'm too busy being self obsessed to care about you right now."

The door opened a bit.

"Jane?"

That wasn't who I thought it was...

"Jane, are you okay?"

What? No one ever visits my room unless they are stupid, asking for a short bit of torture or are just here to annoy me, like my stupid dickhead brother.

"Mmmm."

"Jane?"

The door opened fully and I looked up to see Santiago stood there.

What. The. Hell.

"Why are you here? Did Alec send you? Can you tell him to go and die please? I don't care about what he has to say..."

He chuckled.

"Actually no, your brother didn't send me, I came of my own accord. I saw you crawl past my room but I thought it was for a laugh. It wasn't until I found out what happened... I just wanted to see if you were okay? You seemed like you were in a lot of pain..."

What?

"What? Why should you care about me?"

"Because, well, look. I know you think that everyone here hates you, but it isn't like that. Really. Ever since the thing the other day with Heidi, well I felt kind of mean. You were really upset about everyone calling you names... I do apologise. I was one of them..."

"Erm, it's okay, I wasn't that upset you know. I was just annoyed."

"Yeah..."

This was getting kind of awkward. I never really spoke to Santiago, actually, to be honest, I never really spoke to anyone apart from the weird ones. Because the weird people didn't really care if I was annoying or not, they aren't even that bothered when I torture them. Everyone else kind of, is scared of me. Or hates me. I don't know.

Whilst my brain was off rambling about random crap I hadn't realised that Santiago had come to sit next to me on my beanbag.

He made it sink down in the middle so it made me fall forward.

"FUCK. OW."

"Ah sorry... are you alright? I didn't hurt you did I?"

"I, er, no, just, I dunno. I think I've broken something."

"Oh crap. Right sorry, um. Was it the pile up?"

"Probably. Alec beating me up didn't help."

"Here. Stay where you are, don't move. Say where it hurts."

Then he started like, grabbing my hips (no) and gently working his way upwards towards my chest...

What the hell. This was weird...

"OW! OWWWWW!"

"Ah, your ribs. Think that's what was broken... hmm, it feels... ah. Yeah, not broken, fractured slightly. Don't worry, just try not to move them too much and you should be fine in a day or two."

"I don't do rib dancing, so I should be okay."

What the fuck was I on about?

He laughed.

I dared to look up at his face. He probably thought I was a right idiot.

He was still grinning.

Hm.

I kept staring at him.

I never noticed before, but he has really nice eyebrows, not too over-plucked like that gay Edward, but not too bushy like Chubaka.

He flinched and winced, then I realised that I must have been staring at him too hard.

I inwardly blushed and looked down and away.

"OH MY! OH, oh I'm sorry, I, I can't help it..."

He laughed again.

"It's fine... I'll get used to it."

What was he on about? What does he mean get used to it? Was he planning on coming to my room for frequent torturing sessions?

I looked up again. For some random ass reason he was still holding on to my ribs. Which hurt, a LOT, but I couldn't be bothered to say anything.

He was still staring at me.

Now I'm confused.

REALLY confused.

Why was he still here? Usually people just come in, say something crap and useless, get tortured and run off.

I decided to look at his nice ass eyebrows again.

Damn, why couldn't I have nice eyebrows? I may be a vampire, but my eyebrows suck so bad. I have to like brush them into shape every day. Not with like, a fat hairbrush, just like, an eyebrow brush that I stole off Heidi, I think it's like organic or something, I guess it saves the earth and crap, not that I care, but I do like the earth I suppose, all the Nemo's and Dory's and the, um, nice ass fish. That I...

WHAT AM I ON ABOUT?

I hate fish. They smell...

Mmmm, Santiago smells really nice, kind of like, spicy. Not like, I dunno really. Like a nice spicy, refreshing, almost. If spicy can be refreshing, must be his Spanish roots.

I dunno.

I refocused and Santiago was still staring at me.

Why? I'm not that great to look at.

"Jane, I, you know what, I think I better um, get back to see if like, China scored..."

"Yeah, I hope China win and like, celebrate with um, rice and noodles, and um, Michael Jackson..."

Now this was getting ridiculous.

Santiagi laughed again, almost nervously.

"Michael Jackson? Haha, I don't really know what to expect from you Jane..."

"Neither do I to be honest."

He was STILL holding my damn ribs.

I looked him in the eyes, kind of hoping that he'd like, have some kind of telepathic connection telling him to get the hell off my fricken fractured ribs... even though my ribs weren't really hurting anymore. His hands felt warm now, well as warm as a vampire can get.

He leaned towards me.

What? Was he going to like, bite my nose or something?

Nope, not my nose...

Down a bit.

Chin?

What the fuck Jane.

He was going for my lips!

Oh, crap. No! I don't want this now! I'm too busy being self obsessed... I'm Jane Friggin' Volturi! I don't care about anyone and I...

This is just typical.

Well done Jane.

For God's sake.

Argh...

Yeah, I'm not like, kissing him back right now or anything.

Nope, I'm not like, fully snogging him now, oh I... WHY? Seriously. This is the last thing I need right now.

I'm not, getting into it or anything...

Yeah I'm not like, enjoying this at all...

I guess I should like, say um, ciao and crap...

I...

**

* * *

**

Well since Jane is

_**busy**_**, i guess I should say Ciao for her. o.O**

**I apologise for my rant earlier. Life can be a bitch. So can your mum. OH! (fail).**

**I wasn't joking when I said reviews cheer me up though. :)**

**Oh and yeah, I like don't own Twilight or anything... (that was serious) :D**


	45. 23rd June 2010

**I'm in a good mood today because I watched England beat Slovenia 1-0! Yes! I watched it in school as well, and it was quite awesome how the World Cup makes everyone happy. **

**The bloody horn things got on my nerves though. My friend had a small one and was happy with that until someone else came along with a HUGE one. Haha.**

**Oh and thankyou v. much for your reviews, don't stop!**

**You cheered me up. And I got my own back on the teacher... I said very loudly to my friend that I'm going to fail because of his crap teaching. He eviled me but ah well. :D**

**So enough about my life, here is the muchly anticipated next chappie in Jane's amazing life. **

**Songs: **

**"Children" - Robert Miles.**

**"Speechless" - Lady Gaga.**

**:)**

* * *

**23rd June 2010**

Dear Diary,

Of course.

For FUCK'S sake.

Argh...

I read in this new Cosmopolitan magazine that I bought today that to get over something drastic and traumatic, you have to relive the experience. Think of all the dreadful, horrible things and then let it go. And HEAL.

Well I can't be bothered to do that.

Actually I can.

I'll start from the beginning... (oh God. This is SO embarrassing.)

Um... well...

Me and Santiago were just like, kissing and crap. It was really weird because I've never really, done anything like that.

Look I KNOW you're going to be like "oooh, but Jane, you kissed Felix, oooh" and crap, but really? I don't count that as a kiss or anything. I count that more along the lines of social embarassment and sexual harrassment.

So anyway.

After a bit we stopped because I thought my ribs were going to crumble in pain.

I decided to climb up on the bed to read my diary.

I know that sounds like a really random ass thing to do since I'd just been doing full on snogging just moments before, but please, let's recall the fact that I was in no state of mind to think or act properly at that time.

But anyway, that epically failed because I rolled off the bed and landed on Santiago, who had been watching me trying and failing to get up.

He laughed.

"You okay?"

"Fine." I had said through gritted teeth. Even though I landed in the most awkward position ever, and my ribs were throbbing like crazy.

"You sure?"

"Mm-hm."

I felt really awkward because I was lying across Santiago like some kind of beached whale.

Santiago laughed again and gently twisted me round so I was sitting on his lap. My face was like, a few centimetres away from his nose.

It was kind of awkward. I was so close to him that I kind of went cross-eyed.

"So..." He said. "This is um, kind of..."

"Awkward? Yeah yeah. I know. But, did you know, that in every awkward silence, a gay baby is born?"

Now I had just reached new heights of ridiculousness.

Santiago laughed. AGAIN (he laughs too much... ah well).

"Seriously?"

I could only nod.

"Ah. Caius must have been born in an awkward silence then..." He laughed.

I grinned.

Wait... how did he... did he think the same...

Oh my.

I'd never told anyone (apart from Alec) about my suspicions before...

I thought he must be psychic.

"Are you psychic or something?"

"Nah... I just have very good hearing."

He then winked at me, but it was hard to tell because everything was blurry and cross eyed.

Then it was silent again.

Awk-ward.

"Mmmm... gay baby so um... yeah." I randomly mumbled.

"Yeah."

"So..."

"Mm-hm."

"Um. We just like, snogged a stuff..."

He sighed.

"Yeah..."

I tried to lean back to look at him properly, which failed because I leant to far back and slammed into the floor.

There goes my ribs again.

"Fuck."

Hopefully Aro will be up to some kind of DIY-ing because my floor and bed now have huge cracks in them.

Santiago lifted me up and held me like he was afraid to let go in case I like, went through the floor.

"Jane."

"Santiago."

He then kind of frowned at me and looked me in the eyes.

"Jane... I think that... I mean... I know that... well."

"Spit it out woman."

What the fuck.

He laughed nervously.

"You are so weird, crazy, random... which is why I love you."

Oh.

He looked at me straight.

I must say that I was feeling really ill at that moment. The fact that I had just slammed into the floor didn't help the fact that the blood from that morning was swirling around in my stomach, and my ribs were really hurting...

"Jane? Say something, please... I mean... it's fine... well it's not fine for me, but you know... it's okay if you like say no or I hate you or something because... well maybe I'll get over it in a few thousand years, but I must say, I've never ever met someone like you before in my life. You are so... so fascinating, and beautiful... so, like, weird and funny. I don't mind it if you torture me, well I do... but I'll deffo get used to it... if that's what you want... Jane? Please say something, put me out of my misery..."

I wasn't really listening because I felt really light headed.

"Mmmmmmmmmmm."

"Mmmmmmmmmmm? What... does that..."

I lost focus at that point and must have collapsed into Santiago because all I could hear was his frantic shouting which was eventually cut off when I completely blacked out.

The last thing I remember hearing was "Jane? Please don't die on me." Which was really weird and random. Meh, I wasn't going to die. Vampy's don't die like this.

I must have been blacked out for a good few minutes because I found myself bouncing up and down on the bed like a maniac (just for your info, I wasn't being raped by Santiago or anything. I don't really know what he was trying to achieve to be honest).

"Jane? What in the name of arse are you doing? Are you taking up trampolining or something?"

The voice was somewhat distant yet it was still close. It didn't sound like Santiago's though.

"Jane? Oh good! Stay with me!"

I opened my eyes to find Santiago on top of me trying to like, resuscitate me for some pointless reason. I was trying to tell him that I was fine, and I was also trying to tell him that there was no point in doing what he was doing because my heart doesn't beat anyway. But of course Santiago ignored me and was adament that the way he was doing it was right. Even though, as I tried to point out, I was very much awake. My ribs were starting to hurt really badly again at this point, so I tried to tell him to stop, but he wasn't listening, he was still rambling on for some random ass reason, so I started screaming.

At this point the door flew open and I turned my head to see Alec stood in the doorway.

His face was, just, undescribable.

Santiago stopped doing whatever pointless and stupid thing he was doing to me but kind of froze and also looked up at Alec.

I looked at Alec, then at Santiago, then at Alec, then at Santiago, and finally just stared at Alec.

Santiago started to say something to break the ice (dun dun dun dun dun dun dun, ice, ice, baby - no Jane, this is not the time nor the place. Shutup).

"Alec, Alec, oh, oh, Alec... this.. I..."

Alec was gobsmacked.

It was actually the first time I'd ever seen him speechless.

Lost for words.

I looked down to see that Santiago still (UNHELPFULLY) had his friggin' hands on my chest.

I glared at him.

He yelled and started thrashing around until my BROKEN bed finally gave way.

"FUCKING BASTARD TWATTING FRIG!" I screamed.

We both kind of landed on the floor, except I landed kind of half on Santiago, who was just kind of uselessly lying there like an ass, not doing or saying anything.

I looked up again to see that we had attracted an audience.

"What is this? Live porn show or summin'?" I heard a small voice at the back of the crowd.

I know that I REALLY should have moved, but I was just frozen in place.

I didn't dare look at anybody's face, so I looked at the remains of my bed on the floor instead.

Wood had never been so interesting.

"Wow... Jane, you've lost it!" I heard a familiar voice at the front of the crowd.

"Didn't you think to shut the door?"

"Blimey."

Those few comments seemed to spark off a whole load of conversation and laughter.

I decided to risk it, and looked up again.

Alec was just stood there, both eyebrows raised.

Felix was just stood there, with a look of some kind of fascination on his face.

Demetri was frowning and looked confused.

Renata's little head poked between Demetri and Felix's bodies, and she too, looked shocked.

"SEX HAIR!" Some random ass yelled out.

I decided to scramble up off the floor and dusted myself down.

Everyone had stopped talking and were all looking at me, waiting for me to say something.

I looked in the mirror.

Oh God. I bet a horse had seen better hair days than me.

My cloak was falling off my shoulder as well.

And it was ripped at the bottom.

I looked at everyone again.

"So! Who won the footie?" I cheerily asked.

...and... HEAL!

Oh who am I kidding. The sheer embarassment of it all! It's something I'll never be able to live down.

I haven't spoken to Santiago since that day, well actually, I haven't spoken to anyone.

Right now I'm sat, huddled in the corner of the sofa reading a book called "How To Improve Your Life".

Well I say reading, but I possibly cannot read anything with all of the stupid babble going on around me.

Yes, England is going to start playing Slovenia in a minute. Wow. Big, big wow.

I don't care, England isn't even that good.

They scored in their own goal for God's sake. Retarded much?

"England better buck up their ideas and buck them up fast. They are so out if they fuck this one up." I heard Afton say to someone.

I pulled my book closer to my face to show that I couldn't care less about everyone and England.

Luckily no one was sat on my part of the sofa. In fact, no one was sat on my sofa at all.

Oh, nope, I speak too soon.

"HELLO Jane. 'Ere, I've got one for you." Felix laughed for a while before turning to look at me.

I kept my face buried in my book.

"Jane you shlag, your legs are like Tesco's, open 24/7!"

I threw the book down on the floor and looked at him.

"You stole that off Facebook." I said as sourly as I possibly could.

He shrugged and grinned at me before chavving off to tell some more crap jokes to some other crap people.

Right. Let's pick up my book and start reading again.

"A slut is a woman who sleeps with everyone. A bitch is a woman who sleeps with everyone but you."

Mmm, which chapter was I on again?

"A woman goes to see a Priest one day. She has just fallen pregnant with her 9th child."I don't know why I keep getting pregnant," she says, "it must be something in the air." "Yes," replied the Priest, "Your legs."

I think it was the one called 'How To Stay Calm'...

"England don't have very good ball skills... but slags do."

Calmy calmness.

"Breaking news! Guess what? England have a new coach!" I heard Santiago say as he walked in.

"Really?"

"Yeah! It'll be picking them up from Heathrow tomorrow."

I looked up.

"Oooh! That was smooth mate!"

"Oh yeah blad yeah yeah, haha. Smooth one! Knuckle touch!"

I looked back at my book as Santiago shot a glance in my direction. How come he could get over what happened so quickly and I couldn't?

Argh.

"BREAKING NEWS FROM THE ENGLAND CAMP: Heskey has just smashed a volley into the net!" Felix said.

"Wow." Someone commented.

"..turns out he's shit at tennis as well."

"Hahahaha!"

"LOL-TRAIN!"

"...What's a lol-train when it's at home."

"Your mum."

I sighed and carried on reading.

I felt a prescence beside me.

Oooh I feel a bit like Derek Acorah.

"Jane."

I looked up from my chapter to see Alec sat next to me, looking ahead. He was blatantly trying not to laugh, because his lips were pressed together and he was shaking.

"Alec."

He burst out laughing.

I threw my book at him.

He laughed even more.

I glared at him.

He screamed and laughed at the same time.

Finally he got his act together and looked up at me, biting his lip and still smiling like a loon.

"Ah Jane, I love you."

"I hate you."

"You could have told me you were going to... ya know."

"I wasn't 'going to'."

"That's what they all say."

"Alec, I was fully dressed. So was he."

"Both of you were only wearing your cloaks..."

I glared at him again.

"Shutup you guys, it's starting!" Someone said from over in the corner.

I had to endure an hour and a half of everyone booing Slovenia, cheering on England, making jokes, making sarcastic comments about one player's hair, yelling, waving, Mexican-waving, blowing their stupid horns and generally pratting about.

When it got to the final ten minutes the jokes started about some player called Heskey.

"Nothing says 'we have this game won' quite like bringing Heskey on with 10 minutes left." Afton said.

"What the hell? What's wrong with him? What's he ever done to you?"

"No the question is Jane... what HASN'T he done to you?"

A chorus of wheys and other crap echoed around the room.

I can't take this anymore. I'm going to have to kill someone in a minute.

I am being deadly serious.

Ciao.

Jane Volturi.

* * *

**Poor Jane. :')**

**Review and tell me your favourite world cup joke so far, or if you don't have one, just review. And tell me who you're supporting. :D**  
.


	46. 25th June 2010

****

**You know it's all over when you see a guy burning his England flag outside the pub.**

**Yes. We failed. BADLY.**

**It's all the stupid twat of a referee's fault.**

**"Ooooh everyone loves me! LOL jk, I'm the referee for England vs. Germany."**

**This has left me no choice but to support Japan. **

**Because their flag is the same colours as ours.**

**That's it.**

**Song: "Snow" - Red Hot Chili Peppers.**

**:')**

* * *

**25th June 2010**

Dear Diary,

Well that's it for Italy then.

Not that I care.

Everyone else is distraught for some crap reason.

Yeah, well, I have much more important things to be distraught about that a bunch of crap people kicking a crap ball around a crap field in front of more crap people.

"Don't you care about our country Jane?" Alec had said to me whilst watching the game.

"We won last time."

"So? We can still win again! And guess what? We _will_ win again!"

Then we lost.

Fail.

Everyone is really pissed off about it.

Apart from Felix. He cried then got over it and started making (crap) jokes as usual.

"In 2006 Italy and France met in the Final. In 2010 they'll meet in the airport! OH!" He said.

"Fuck off Felix. I'm not in the mood fo-" Demetri said.

"For dancing. Romancing!" Alec interrupted with his crap singing.

"Alec shut up. Do you realise the seriousness of this? Italy... it's over. What hope have we got for the Euro Cup? Or even the next World Cup? It doesn't bear thinking about..."

I slapped the back of my hand onto my head for a dramatic effect.

"Oh... oh the pain of it all... we lost... we failed... God dammit! How on earth will we cope..." I said.

"I know. It's all over... I bought this Italy hat for nuthin. I spent one euro on that. ONE. WHOLE. EURO."

Then he went crying off to his room.

Alec kind of shrugged the whole losing the World Cup thing off.

"We tried." He said.

"We failed." I said.

"We'll live."

"We won't."

Then I went off to my room to read the rest of my "How To Improve Your Life" book.

I really think that it's making a huge difference already, and I've only been reading it for a few days.

For example, I painted my walls a nice ass sky blue this morning, and it's definitely lifted up my spirits.

Well it did until I looked at the remains of my bed on the floor.

Luckily Aro was up to the job.

He wandered in wearing maHOOsive dungarees carrying a fat ass tool box and a ladder.

I only asked him to fix my bed.

I looked at him when he blundered in in a meaningful way.

"I only asked you to fix my bed."

But he'd already started climbing up his ladder so I decided to leave him to it.

I read in a chapter in the book that skipping gives you energy and leaves you feeling motivated and happy for the rest of the day. So I decided to happily skip along the corridors around the house.

The book also said that singing helps.

So I started singing "Gold" by Spandau Ballet.

Hmm. Skippety skip and singety sing song.

"Da da da da ooooh GOLD! Always believe in your soooooooooul. You've got the power to know! You're indestructable... always believe inn, you are GOLD!"

I decided to make up a few groovy dance moves to it for a grin.

Punch the air on "Gold!", shimmy on "sooooooooooooul"...

Punch, shimmy, point, pout, John Travolta, jiggy, robot, spin, point, punch!

YES!

I decided to stand in the corridor and perform my dance to everyone who was watching.

You wanna know who was watching?

No one.

But I didn't let that put me off.

"You are GOLD!" Punch! Shimmy! Pout! John Travolta! "You've got the power to knooooooooow!" Jiggy! Robot! Spin! Point! Punch! Yes! Yes! YES!

I fell to my knees and shimmyed whilst singing the final "GOLD!"

At which point I looked up to see Santiago stood there.

Of course he was.

Awkward silence alert.

"Hi." He said.

I got up off my knees, cleared my throat and looked him in the eye. Which hurt my neck because he's quite tall and I'm... quite small.

"Nice day for it." I said. Why?

"Mm-hm." He looked meaningfully out of the window. It was chucking buckets outside.

Not literally, else I'd be there chucking buckets at Felix and Alec, but you KNOW what I mean.

He looked back at me.

"How are your ribs?" He asked.

"Fine and dandy thank you." What?

He laughed.

"You are so unpredictable Jane." He sat on the window sill and motioned for me to sit next to him.

I moved too quickly and sat on his hand.

"Ow!"

"OH! Soz, my bad." I said.

He laughed. Again. His laugh sounded kind of nervous though.

Silence again.

For God's sake, must I be eternally responsible for making an awkward silence less awkward?

Oh, actually no.

Because Aro had just ambled past from, I presumed, fixing my room.

Wearing huge shorts.

Bloody hell.

He saw me looking, stopped and winked at me.

"Sexy, aren't they? Cost me a fiver from Morrisons. Bargain."

But I had moved down from the shorts, and onto his legs (wheyy).

They were all bony and knobbly and hobbled.

Knots tied in cotton sprung to mind.

"I was hoping to catch a bit of sun on my legs... what do you think?"

"I think that is a stupid idea because a; it is raining and b; we are vampires, therefore we do not tan. We sparkle."

"Bloody 'ell, that is retarded. REAL vampires don't sparkle."

What the hell? Deffo drugged up.

"Well that's just the way it goes." I said.

I looked at Santiago, and followed his gaze to see that he was staring at his legs still.

"My legs are pretty sexy too, aren't they?" Aro said, winking at us again.

"To be frank, I've seen better legs hanging out a bird's nest." Santiago said.

I burst out laughing.

Aro ignored him and started adjusting his Croc's.

And they weren't just any Croc's.

They were M&S Croc's.

You think I'm kidding? Well, I kid you not. These Croc's were actually from M&S.

Oh no.

"I didn't know they sold Croc's in M&S," I said.

"Well you don't much do you dear. Right. Enough of this chinwag, I'm off for a spot off fishing. Tatty bye!" Aro grinned at us and started ambling off down the corridor.

Bloody hell.

To say that he is in charge of the whole Volturi baloney, well, let's just say that I'm concerned for our future.

I dreaded seeing what my bedroom looked like.

I looked at Santiago and he looked at me.

I shrugged and he shrugged.

I smiled and he smiled.

What was this? Copycat parade?

"Well, I think I better, um... check up on the football. You know..." Santiago said.

"Yeah I do. I think that I, I better, like, check up on my chicken."

Really?

"Jane... what can I possibly say? You do make me laugh." He grinned.

"I, I meant my bedroom. Bedroom, not chicken. Though there's probably a chicken in my bedroom now. You know."

"Yeah. I see what you mean." He laughed. "We''ll talk later?"

Then he leant over and gave me a kiss on the cheek.

Blimey.

How do I respond to that?

Do I kiss my cheek too?

What?

By the time I'd pulled myself together he'd left.

I was all on my lonesome on the windowsill.

I sighed and hauled myself off to go and watch the rest of the football to avoid my bedroom.

I walked in and Santiago was sat on the sofa next to Alec.

It was the only space left, but I would have HAPPILY sat on the floor.

But no. No.

Alec simply HAD to drag me up off the floor, move along and plonk me on the space next to him.

So, I was sandwiched between my brother and Santiago.

Oh, oh this wasn't awkard at all.

Nope, not in the slightest.

There was a few sniggers around the room which I ignored.

Why couldn't people get over what happened a few days ago?

I'll tell you why, because they have no lives so they set out on making MY life a misery.

The camera zoomed in on two fatties sat in the audience cheering for the USA.

They were so fug and fat yet they were wearing mini skirts and see through tops.

A piece of advice - never wear a bright orange neon bra underneath a white strappy TRANSPARENT vest top.

This triggered a few sarky comments around the room.

"Well they're a right couple of belters." Alec commented.

"Ah, bush pig springs to mind." Felix said, and then snorted.

"Oh! Hark at Brad Pitt sat over there." I said.

"Nah mate I put Bradders to shame with my beauty."

I could only laugh.

"Here's a joke for ya!"

"No."

"How do you make the washing machine work?"

"Turn it on." I said.

"Hit her."

I turned to look at him.

"Hahahhaha, hog, that's a gooden'!"

"That is sexist and offensive. Go and die."

"Nah mate LOL!" He snorted.

"Why do you always have to open your mouth?" I said.

"Why does your mum always have to open her legs?"

"Fucking hell that's mingin' that is." Afton said.

"So's your mum."

Then USA had a huge fail involving some faff with Ghana, so again, everyone started laughing and commenting on some random USA player.

"What a fucking fail of a tackle there boy."

"Mate, you are fucking shite. Pull yourself together you knob'ead."

"Who is he?" I whispered to Alec. I nearly asked Santiago but I thought of all of the jokes and crap that would follow so I settled for Alec instead.

He shrugged. "Beats me."

"I wouldn't know him if I fell over him in street. Why is everyone having a go at him?"

"Dunno."

"Aw leave him alon I- oooh, he is F-I-T!" Chelsea said.

Afton glared at her.

The camera zoomed in on this apparantly "fit" player.

"EW!" I said.

"What? He's lush!"

"Pfft. I wouldn't give him a nod int' desert."

"HA! Well Jane, EVERYONE knows who YOU'D give a nod in the desert too!"

Then she turned around, winked at me and nodded at Santiago.

I smiled at her sarcastically.

"She wouldn't just give him a nod mate, she'd give him the full monty!" Felix said.

"WHEYYYY!"

Alec started laughing. I glared at him.

Santiago looked a bit uncomfortable.

"Get in there Jane!"

"WHEY-HEY!"

Oh here we go. Thanks a lot CHELSEA.

I huddled down further into the sofa, willing for someone to score a goal or fall over or something.

At which point the door flew open.

Phew.

I looked up and screamed.

"OH MY JESUS!"

"WHAT THE-?"

"BLOODY HELL IN A BASKET!"

"FUCK!"

There was something standing at the door covered in seaweed looking like a complete and utter freak.

"WOW! Lady Gaga's come to pay us a visit!"

Then the "thing" spoke.

"Bloody fucking penis twat buggeration."

Oh. It was Aro.

I burst out laughing.

"Did you have a nice time fishing Master?" I asked after I'd recovered.

"Is the Pope a Catholic?"

"I think so."

"Oh, well forget that."

"What happened?" Alec asked in between snorting and giggling.

"Long story short. I was just tying my boat up when I slipped and slid underneath the boat into the lake."

Everyone started sniggering and snorting and laughing.

He didn't half smell.

Alec then recovered from his laughing fit and looked at his shoes meaningfully.

"I think your Croc's were trying to get back into the lake."

Ciao!

Jane Volturi.

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Reviews will cheer me up after England's epic fail (4-1? Really?) *hint hint*. ;)


	47. 5th July 2010

**JAPAN ARE OUT? WTF? :(**

**Sorry for lack of updatedness. Been busy over the past few days - grandparents are down and it's my birthday today! :D**

**Song: "Little Miss Naughty" - Scouting For Girls**

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5th July 2010

Dear Diary,

Bored as hell.

Nothing has happened over the past few days by the way.

A few gay babies were born due to the huge amount of awkward silences that took place between Santiago and me.

I'm so confused.

One minute he's kissing my cheek and telling me I'm funny and so on.

Next minute he's not even looking at me when I accidentally on purpose bash into him in the corridors.

The cheek!

Life has pretty much gone back to normal apart from that.

Everyone has accepted the fact that I am in fact, still a virgin.

Mainly due to the fact that I had a major tantrum halfway throught Japan's epic fail of a game.

All I can say about that is... well. The energy saving lightbulbs bit the dust, which was a blessing in disguise since they are just too crap for words.

Although I must say, Felix accepted it almost too happily.

"See you round the back of the chippy in town tonight at 8 yeah? Don't forget your top..."

"What?"

"Forget that. I mean like, forget your top." He grinned.

"What?"

"Tonight is gonna be WILD gurrrrrrrrl!" He started sniggering.

Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on how you see it), as he was honking with laughter Alec doddered along, swiftly gave him a kick where the sun don't shine before running around in a circle and tripping over the Wii Fit board on the floor.

I tutted at Alec on the floor and shook my head.

"I don' t need this today, to be honest with ya." I said before jogging off to do nothing.

On the way back to my bedroom full of fun I passed Alec's fail of a room.

Ooh.

Was that his Facebook he was still logged into?

Oh, me thinks so.

I grinned and sat on his (BROKEN) chair.

Which failed epcially because it was broken.

I frowned at the metal poles left on the floor and scrambled up again.

Meh, I'll stand.

I had a quick look and decided to update his status.

There we go:

**Alec Volturi** is sexually confused. :S

29 seconds ago - Comment - Like

That'll do.

I decided to leave the scene of the crime and went back to my bedroom.

Da da da.

I was overjoyed to see Madonna's fug face on the telly as soon as I walked into my room.

I was even more overjoyed to see Alec's fuglier face on my newly fixed bed.

"What do you want?"

"Nuthin. Just checking out your new room. I particuarly like the Finding Nemo theme going on on the walls." He snickered.

"Mm. Your funny."

Yes. Aro had turned my room into an epic fishy fail simply by painting Finding Nemo on my bloody bedroom wall.

I cried when I found out.

Not of sadness, because I can paint over it (when I can be bothered to).

Nope, I was crying with laughter over the fact that Finding Nemo had the same dodgy eye scenario as David Tennant, except that the Nemo on my wall was cross eyed.

And aren't clownfishes supposed to be orange?

Yeah, well, Aro got confuddled and coloured Nemo in a beautiful shade of perrywinkle*.

I think this nice ass mural on my wall inspired him to dust off his old Crocs and go do a spot of fishing. Which also failed because he fell in.

Anyway.

I looked at the telly.

"Why are you watching a programme about MADONNA? She is just, too fug for words. And whilst we're on the subject of fug, why are you in my room?"

Alec shrugged.

"Mmm, there's nothing else on. And since my room is just a huge concoction of terrible at the moment, I thought I'd idle along to see what you were doing in your bedroom." He grinned and winked at me.

"Yeah well, you thought wrong didn't you."

He shrugged again and turned to watch the telly.

"Hmm, I think Madonna is getting a bit old to be prancing around in leotards now... I mean... EW! No... ARGH! Cameltoe much? Hangin' that is."

"Eurgh."

Alec leaned forward for "closer" inspection.

"Oh good grief. Disgusting. She's getting a bit past it now me thinks."

"Yeah. It's like flogging a dead horse."

Alec laughed before turning to look at me again.

He stared at me whilst holding up the remote in his hand and switching the "off" button.

"WHAT?" I yelled.

"Alright, calm down, calm down." He said in a Scouse accent for no apparant reason.

"Well, why are y-"

"How's Santiago these days?" He interrupted.

Alec is such a knobend.

Horrorbag.

I shrugged.

Alec grinned again and starte shaking his shoulders and putting his face really close to mine.

It was worryingly scary, to say the least.

"Oooooooooh, Jane's in luurve, Jane is in lurve."

I smacked him around the head.

"Fuck off am I. I kissed him once. ONCE I tells ya! That's it. I know that you like to feed off of my "love" life just because yours is all round generally crap, and I am terribly sorry to disappoint you, but my relationship status is staying as 'Single' on Facebook, and I have no plans whatsoever to change that. I'm fine as I am. Just like Jason Derulo famously said, "I'm ridin' solo, solo!". And I'm going to be riding solo for the rest of eternity. Love? HA! I laugh in the face of love. So you know what Alec, up YOURS! OH!"

As usual, Alec didn't listen to any of that.

"Hi San!" He said, staring at the door.

I looked up.

Why is everything in my life unbelievably craply timed?

"Hi." He turned and sup nodded me. "Hey Jane." He said.

Fuck.

"Sup' dawg?" I said.

Why?

He smiled, but it was half-hearted.

"Can I talk to you for a minute Jane?" He said softly.

Alec laughed then coughed and starting singing the funeral tune.

Why?

"Why?"

"Just, please, come for a walk with me."

"Okeydoke."

I got up off the bed and walked over to him.

Santiago slightly smiled at Alec before ushering me out of the door.

Out of the corner of my eye, I swear I could see Alec wink.

Why?

He gently closed the door behind him and gestured me to follow.

We ended up in the back Volturi garden frig thing.

I sat down on the edge of the fountain and he sat next to me.

I looked at him.

"So..."

He cleared his throat and stared ahead.

"This is just... I dunno. There's something about it that is just uber what the fuckery."

"What?"

"If you see what I mean."

"What?"

"You don't see what I mean then."

"What?"

He chuckled slightly, and put his hand on top of mine.

Which was kind of awkward since I was sat with my arms crossed over my chest.

Why did I feel queasy again?

I felt like I was going to fall back into the fountain.

Which would be a blessing in disguise since it was like 95 million degrees out here.

Even though we don't get hot.

But you know.

"Jane. You know how I feel about you. I've told you, but you never told me. I guess I kind of know now, I kind of overheard everything you said to your brother. Half of it didn't make sense, but I got the gist."

"What gist?"

"That... you don't, like, feel the same way about me."

I looked at the floor.

What could I possibly say about all of this?

I can't go back on my word just to make him feel better. I don't like making people feel better. That's not my job.

My job is to make people feel horrible.

But I don't want to go and blow the full honest truth.

Because... I don't even know if it _is_ the full honest truth.

Because... I just don't know anymore.

I sighed.

"It's not like that."

Yes. That's good Jane. Nothing stupid or crap there, just simple and to the point.

"What is it like then?"

I shifted my position and noticed that his hand wasn't on mine anymore.

Oh this was horrible and confusing.

I hate being confused.

"I-I honestly don't know." I whispered.

He fidgeted next to me.

This just had awkward written all over it.

Please can someone say something or can something please just...

"!"

Both our heads shot up to the top window.

Blimey O'Reilly.

What in the name of arse was going on?

I looked at Santiago and he looked at me.

"!"

Anything to avoid the awkward conversation.

I ran off to see what on earth was going on.

Blim.

I burst in to where the noise was coming from like a fool on legs and automatically tripped over something massive in the doorway.

No it wasn't your mum.

I looked up.

Oh.

My.

Days.

Aro was twirling his hips around in time to that song off the Full Monty.

I think you know which one I mean.

This is disturbing...

Sulpicia was in the corner clapping her hands and generally being a blonde bimbo twat.

Aro was still dancing.

Oh, the horror.

I looked around.

Caius was standing on a box wearing a...

OH MY FUCKING DAMNITTY DAMNING BUGGERATION MEXICAN SOMBRERO!

Was that...

Oh no.

No.

No.

NO!

This is a crime to humanity.

Forget that, I'm not human.

This is a crime to vampity.

What?

I don't care.

This is disgusting.

My eyes!

Oh my eyes!

"I SWEAR ON ME MAM'S LIFE... THIS IS NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE!" Aro said.

I feel dirty and abused.

Aro sat down on the CD player, then stood up again.

I heard someone come up behind me.

I didn't care.

"Jane? What are you doin-"

Santiago was stopped short as he took in the horrifying sight that stood before him.

I couldn't handle this anymore.

I fell back onto Santiago, and closed my eyes.

I still had the last thing I saw in my head.

The last thing I saw was Caius wearing a leopard thong.

Ciao.

Jane Volturi

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* Perrywinkle - Some random blue lilac colour. Apparantly it's a nail polish too. Don't ask.

**Reviews make nice ass birthday pressies. :D**


	48. 6th July 2010

**Yeah that's just great. You know what sky? Yep, you keep on pouring out that crappy rain.**

**Yeah that's just fiiiine by me. :(**

**Song: "Bittersweet" - Sophie Ellis-Bextor.**

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6th July 2010

Dear Diary,

I hate being watched.

It's a horrid feeling, makes you feel all self-concious and crap.

You also have no idea where to look.

I decided to look at my new nice ass shoes.

They were from the new shoe shop in town.

It felt really weird buying them because usually I just nick whatever I need.

Nah I don't do that.

Sometimes.

But anyway the guy who served me kept staring at me.

Even when he was scanning the shoes and stuff.

I noticed he had a moustache.

And a fail beard.

But that's not the point.

He also didn't speak.

He just held out his hand.

I gave him a high five for a lol.

But it failed because I forgot that I was stone cold to humans.

El Beardo pulled a face at me and nodded at my purse.

I glared at him and very nearly tortured him until I realised that I was surrounded by a few old biddies.

So I gave him the money and slapped it really hard it into his hand.

Then gave him my fattest evil and walked out.

He was still staring at me through the window.

It was like a comedy thing.

Hmph.

So moving swiftly on.

Back to the future, as they say.

Well, no one says that, but you get my gist.

So.

At the moment I was sat in the middle of the Volturi round room thing.

EVERYONE was here for some reason.

I could feel everyone's beady eyeballs on me.

Why was I here?

I dread to bring up the memoir once more.

Let's just say I saw Aro and Caius strip dancing to the Full Monty song in front of Sulpicia and Dora the Explorer.

And let's also just say that Caius was wearing a leaopard thong.

Please bear in mind that he is about 900 million years old.

*Ahem* slight exaggeration he is in fact 2000 years old.

Close enough.

I shuddered at the memory.

Why was everyone here?

More to the point, why was _I _here?

I forgot what I did wrong.

Oh yeah.

I didn't do NUFFIN wrong.

I just so happened to walk in on Aro and Caius strip-

EURGH.

Vileness.

I looked up at Aro and he was stood up with a huge grin on his face.

I dared a look at Old Leopard Thongster Caius.

I will never be able to look at him in the same way again, that's for sure.

Bloody hell.

He had his face in his hands.

Not literally.

Although it would be a blessing in disguise.

But ANYWAY.

I looked back at Aro.

Right, time to take the bull by the horns.

"Why the hell am I here?" I asked.

Aro grinned down at me.

Caius looked up and quickly looked away when he saw me looking (lol).

"You have been a very, very very, bad, bad, BADass girl. Girl." Aro said.

I frowned at him.

"Mmm-hmm sista."

"What?"

"Don't you diss da master!" He giggled and fell back into his seat.

Friggin friggville.

But...

OH! YES! Now I remembered why I was here.

I was here of my own accord.

That's why everyone else was here.

Aro recovered and wiped away the non existent tears from his eyes.

"Jokin' I am! So me dear. Why are you here? AHA! That rhymes..."

Right.

This, this was the final biscuit.

The final cherry on the cake.

The final straw in the hay bale.

The final crossing of the line.

I stood up and held my head high.

Which hurt my neck so I stopped.

"Aro. Master. I think it's time that you, um... step down from your position as head of the Volturi. Me, well not really me because I don't really care about people to be honest. But everyone is very worried about your mental stability. It started with the imaginary Didyme. Then the golf buggy. Then the running away fandango. Then the crying at Glee. The Grinch break dancing in the corner of E.T. Then the painting of a cross-eyed Nemo on my wall. Then the falling in the lake. And finally... the um, strip dancing... yeah. You are obviously high all the time. On something. I dunno. But to be frank, I'm rather concerned for my, I mean our, future."

I nodded, satisfied with what I'd just said, then sat down again.

Everyone around me was mumbling and nodding in agreement.

Marcus wasn't bothered as per usual.

Caius was in mortal shock.

Aro looked somewhat surprised.

I stood up again.

"OH! And as a little parting gift, I spent a few bob on this t-shirt for you."

I got out the t-shirt I'd bought especially for the occasion and gave it to Aro.

He looked at it.

"Say neigh to Ketamine?" He asked.

I nodded.

He pouted and put it underneath his chair.

"Well. I see how it is..."

Everyone breathed a sigh of relief.

But then Aro burst out laughing.

"HAHAH! YOU THINK I'M GOING SOMEWHERE? The only place I'M going is to the VERY TOP BETCHES!"

Caius facepalmed.

Aro stuck his middle fingers up at us and shimmeyed out of the room.

For fuck's sake.

Caius stormed off.

As he stomped past I said.

"I see how it is between you and Aro. I'm sure Dora the Explorer won't mind that you've settled on a bit of both. After all, I'm positive she loves a bit of THONG in her life."

I winked at him and he slapped me.

He then glared at everyone who was laughing before legging it out the door.

Marcus shrugged, got up, fell down the steps, recovered, and drifted off.

A few people also started some kind of shrugging parade and ran off to watch the rest of the footie.

It was only me, Alec, Santiago, Felix and Demetri left.

I shrugged and said, "It was worth a shot."

Everyone started a nodding dog parade and watched me walk out of the door.

I decided to go off to my bedroom to do nothing.

As I was walking off I heard footsteps behind me.

Greatity great.

"Felix I don't want one of your slag jokes. I hated seeing Caius in a thong as much as the next man, so please don't start."

The person behind me (no) laughed.

"Alec you might wanna check your Facebook status. It explains a hella lot of things."

"I liked that."

"Well I've always told you that I'll love you no matter what path you choose, I will still be here as your kind and loving sister."

More laughter.

I swizzed around quickly only to get a view of green t-shirt in my face.

I looked up.

"Ah."

"Hi again. You must think I'm stalking you."

"Why would I be so silly to think that?"

"Well, we never got to finish our conversation yesterday..."

"Yeah..."

"Let's go somewhere more private. No distractions this time."

Santiago grinned and winked down at me.

I inwardly blushed.

"Yeah well I seem to attract mongs like a... mong magnet."

Luckily he ignored what I just said.

He took my hand and led me down the corridors until we ended up in the kitchen.

Yeah the kitchen is very private.

Well actually, it is for us because no one eats.

Unless they're running low on blood.

But refrigerated blood is minging unless you warm it up.

Anyway.

"Jane."

"Santiago."

"Let's not get into retard mode again. I need to know what's going on."

"Sames."

"Well... where should we start?"

I shrugged.

He sighed.

"Am I ever going to get anywhere with you?"

I giggled.

He sighed again.

Silence.

Right. I got everything out in the open this morning vis-a-vis Aro and crap, so let's get everything out in the open now.

No I'm not going to take my clothes off.

That's...

No. Don't go there.

So.

I took an unneeded deep breath.

Here goes nothing.

"Santiago. I know that you really like me and crap. But I... I dunno. I snogged you, yes. But I snogged Felix. That meant nothing."

His face fell.

No it wasn't on the floor, I...

I give up on you people.

Anyway, I carried on with my "honest" speech.

"But.. I don't know. I don't do love very well. Well to be honest, I've never 'done' love before. It just doesn't quite float my boat. So it would be kind of awkward I guess, but... I don't know. I'm so confused. And I act like a total twat around you. I mean... 'sup dawg'... really? I feel kind of... nervous. I don't know what that means... I, I just don't. And also, it's a bit like that Ktay Perry song. Hot and cold. I don't know. Why do I have to bring songs into this? Again I don't know. To conclude... I, I, um, I'm, well, no. Right. Santiago, I, I, I just... I, I just DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ANYMORE!"

Then I broke down in (dry) tears.

He put his arm around me.

"Again, that made no sense. But again, I get your gist. I understand you Jane. I know... you're confused. But what are we going to do about?" He whispered softly in my ear.

"You have such nice ass eyebrows!" I sobbed.

"Mmmmmmmmmmmm." He said.

"And you don't think I'm a noob?" I sniffled.

"Mmmmmmmmmmmm."

"You really understand me? I don't even, oh for fuck's sake, why on earth is this so COMPLICATED?"

"Mmmmmmmmmmmm."

"I don't know what to think anymore. You should of had me carted off to the vampy loon hospital as soon as you met me. I'm such an idiot around you. I don't make any sense. THIS doesn't make any sense, how could you possibly have put up with my stupidness all of this ti-"

I didn't have any time to carry on with my amazingly shit rant.

Because I was in the same position as I was before.

!

Get out.

Now.

No.

No!

I'm snogging him.

AGAIN.

Why?

Oh.

I had no time to pull my act together and practially fell off the kitchen table when he started vibrating and oh my God not like that!

His text tone was rather interesting.

I've always liked the song "Caramelldansen" in German.

Du du du du du du du...

Anywho.

Whilst on the floor, I looked up at him.

He was grinning but looked kind of surprised at the same time.

"Oh YES!"

"Footie results are good then?"

He looked at me on the floor.

Yep that's just fine and dandy mate.

You know what, just leave me on the floor, I'm not struggling to get up or-

"Meet me by the fountain in the plaza in ten minutes, kay?" Santiago said.

"What?"

"I'll be the one in the green t-shirt."

"What?"

"You won't miss me, unless I'm stood next to a green thing."

"Your mum."

"Thanks Jane."

"Welcome."

"And to answer your earlier question, yes you are a noob."

"Yay."

"Which is why I love you."

"Oh."

He laughed.

"Sorry, you're still confused... I get it."

"Mmm."

"Anywho. Meet me there in ten minutes. I've got a surprise for you."

He winked at me before running off into the sunset.

Lol joke, he just ran off along the scabby corridor.

I looked out of the window.

It was bowling it down.

What kind of surprise involves a torrential downpour?

Surprise?

What could it be?

Is he pregnant?

Don't be silly Jane.

Now is not the time nor the place.

Is it?

What?

I don't know.

I hate surprises.

Ciao.

Jane Volturi.

**

* * *

**

Reviews may bring the sun out here in Newquay.

**Then I'll be happy.**

**And you know what that means!**

**Nah you don't.**

**It doesn't mean anything.**

**Ah well.**

**Reviews will just make me happy.**

**And maybe then the sky will be happy too.**

**:)**


	49. 7th July 2010

**Sorry about the lack of updates, this week has been rather depressing. :(**

**Song: "Watercolour" - Pendulum.**

**:)**

* * *

**14th July 2010**

Dear Diary,

I hate surprises.

"What are you doing?" I asked impatiently.

"You'll see." Santiago said.

"I can't see... I'm blindfolded."

He laughed.

"That's the point."

I tripped over something extremely heavy which also made a weird noise.

I looked down through the gap in the blindfold to see Aro lying on the floor.

Well his reign of the Volturi has just come to an abrupt end then.

"Right."

Santiago removed my stupid blindfold (it wasn't until after when I saw that it was actually someone's Thomas the Tank Engine sock. Nice.) and told me to open my eyes.

"SURPRISE!"

I looked around me.

Oh, the horror.

EVERYONE was here.

I actually mean, everyone.

No not like, everyone on earth.

No, no, the Queen wasn't there...

Nope neither was Michael Jackson.

No you're just getting silly.

NO! What I MEAN was that everyone I knew was there.

Why?

Alec ran over to me, gave me a huge hug and kissed both cheeks.

Why?

"I never thought the day would come when I would finally become an uncle!" He said before wiping away 'tears' from his eyes.

I stared at him in shock.

"I'm pregnant?"

"Really? You're pregnant?"

"Who's pregnant?"

"You are!"

"Am I?"

"Really?"

"What?"

"Wow."

"How?"

"You're pregnant!"

"I'M PREGNANT?"

"YAY!"

What the actual hell.

I slapped both of Alec's cheeks.

"Stop being silly." I said.

"I'm not being silly. I'm being nice by congratulating you. my dear sister, on your pregnancy."

"I am NOT PREGNANT! I haven't even had SEX!"

As usual the room fell silent when I said that.

Ahem.

"Gay baby, SO! What's this all about?"

Santiago stopped slapping Afton's hands or whatever he was doing to come over to me.

"Surprise!"

"What?"

He sighed.

"Yeah, I know it's kinda random. Just that I thought you needed cheering up, a bit of excitement in your life and stuff. So I threw you a surprise party!"

"I hate parties."

"Ah."

I looked up at him.

"Oh I'm sorry, right, like, it's really lovely, just..." I shrugged.

He nodded. "Yeah I get it, I guess I don't really know you well enough yet."

I looked at the floor.

"Hope you enjoy it anyways! Caius is doing a breakdance later."

I grinned.

"Is he wearing his thong?"

Santiago winked before kissing my cheek.

Then he went off to do some robot dancing.

A few hours (and a few tequila pineapples) later, I found myself actually quite enjoying the party thrown in my honour.

After all, I think I deserve a party thrown in my honour.

I am just that great.

Or maybe that's just the tequila pineapples talking.

Mmmm.

Nah it's just me.

I looked across the room to see Alec "grooving" towards me.

When he finally reached me he scooped me up in a big bear hug.

"C'mon Janie, ya know this one!"

"Nah I don't really know, well I do. But you know, it would be rather... embarrassing..."

He put me down.

"Boo you whore!"

I looked at him.

He stuck his tongue out at me.

"Fine then. Suit yourself."

I watched as he stumbled his way across the floor.

He tripped over and ended up on top of a very bemused Demetri.

Ah memories.

I turned around to grab another drink but I didn't have much chance to get it because I was being dragged across the floor by an unknown being.

The unknown being turned me around and headbutted me.

"Alec! What the fuck!"

"COME ON JANE! THIS IS A QUALITY TUNE MAN!"

Then he started doing a bit of John Travolta (oo-er) before throwing his hands up in the air.

"OHH! WE'RE HALWAY THEREE!"

I laughed.

"OOOH! LIVIN' ON A PRAYER!"

Everyone else was going mental dancewise.

"TAKE MY HAND! WE'RE HALFWAY THERE!"

He grabbed my hand and we started dancing and singing at the top of our voices.

Heidi Hi slagged past us and gave me a quick eveil before slagging off to be a slag.

When the song was over I continued to dancy like a looney before Demetri tapped me on the shoulder.

"Jane, I wouldn't look right if I were you."

Naturally, I looked right.

I stopped dancing straight away.

So did everyone else.

Oh.

My.

God.

I hate Heidi with all of my stone cold heart.

"SANTIAGO! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

Santiago stopped what he was doing and pushed Heidi away with such force she fell back onto the drinks table.

I would have laughed.

But I wasn't in a laughing mood.

I stared at Santiago before turning around and running out of the room.

Oh God, why am I crying?

Alec was running after me.

"Jane? Jane!"

I continued to run.

Eventually I felt mean because it wasn't Alec's fault that I was crying and running, so I slowed down.

He eventually caught up with me.

"Jane?"

I turned to face him.

"Oh Jane."

He hugged me so tightly I would've died of loss of breath if I was human.

"Jane Jane Jane."

"Stop saying my name." I whimpered into his shoulder.

He picked me up gently and carried me to his room.

It felt like one of those movies.

You know when someone gets married and the husband carries the wife whilst kicking open the door to their new home.

Those movies suck.

The "happy couples" end up getting a divorce anyway.

Before running into each other's arms on a random ass bridge and snogging in the final scene.

It sucks.

So does my life.

I sat on Alec's bed and stared at the wall.

He looked at me before turning his DVD player on.

I can't even be bothered to say "oo-er" anymore.

After watching the crappest film in the history of films, titled "House of the Dead" (um, excuse me, but it is not a 'house', it's an entire island!) , I stopped snuffling to complain.

"This is the most misleading ass thing since I went to see 'The Never Ending Story'."

"What do you mean?"

"The story was NOT never ending."

"Oh."

"Not that I cared. It was a crap film anyway."

"Why are you so bothered about it then-"

"WHY ARE YOU ALIVE?"

Alec was in shock.

I felt a bit like the Incredible Hulk.

Minus the green-ness.

And the muscles.

I ran out of Alec's room.

Oh good, I was angry.

Jane has just been unleashed.

At even incredibly crap timing even for him, Felix came ambling along the corridor to tell me one of his stupid jokes.

"I walked into a shop that said no guns. I flexed my arm and said 'Oh sorry, I'll leave then.'"

"FUCK OFF FELIX. I don't even LIKE you! NOBODY likes you! You know why? Because you are a stupid excuse for a chav who tells the CRAPPEST jokes than NOBODY laughs at! SO FUCK. OFF!"

I gritted my teeth and carried on along the corridor.

Eventually I ended up in my room where I threw a few things around, broke a few things and... yeah.

After ten minutes of calming down, I decided I needed to take action.

Luckily my laptop was unharmed, so I decided to do what every other modern day stroppy teenager does.

Complain on Facebook.

Right here goes...

What the hell?

Alec is so weird and retarded.

His profile is so gay.

HA!

He only has 30 friends.

Aha, I'm not surprised...

**Birthday:** meh.

**Location:** ya mum's bed.

**Religious Views**: jesus needs a haicut.

Sigh.

He fails, at life, so badly.

ANYWAY.

Time to rant and throw a hissy fit and crap.

Or not.

"Jane? Jane?"

I sighed.

"What."

"Jane, can I, at the very least, please, explain?"

"No."

"Jane, I am so sorry. It wasn't even me, Heidi was just trying to make you jealous."

I ignored him.

"Because Heidi is a jealous slag."

I snorted.

"And I hate her. I didn't even snog her back, I swear. I was trying to get her off me but she has a horribly strong grip."

"She's clingy." I said.

He laughed, obviously relieved that I was speaking to him.

But I wasn't letting him get away with this just yet.

"Jane, I'll make it up to you, I promise."

"Mmm."

"Well you know I said that I didn't really know you that well yet?"

"Mmm."

"Well I think that I know the perfect way to get to know you better."

Blimey he was actually quite cocky. I could have inwardly dumped him for all he knew.

"How are you going to do that then?" I said harshly.

"Because I'm taking you camping." He announced proudly.

What the actual fuck?

Ciao.

Jane Volturi.

**

* * *

**

**Yeah and I have Formspring now:**

**/gretadavisx**

**Reviews make me happyy. :)**


	50. FINALE: 17th July 2010

**So. This is it.**

**The final chapter of life. Well, Jane's life.**

**Oh we've laughed, we've cried, we may have lost 10lbs. I don't know.**

**But I do know that this is the final chapter.**

**Well apart from the authors note which is apparantly Chapter 51.**

**But oh well.**

**Songs:**

**"Pretty Green Eyes" - Ultrabeat**

**"Stereo Love" - Edward Maya & Vika Jigulina **

**"Kickstarts" - Example**

**:D**

**

* * *

**

17th July 2010

Dear Diary,

Currently in a 'wonderful' and 'jolly' second hand camper van with Santiago.

And guess where I'm going?

Camping! *applause*

Oh the joy.

I think I might have to sit down in a minute, I'm just so overcome with joy about the fact that I'm going to be 'sleeping' in a 'warm' and 'snuggly' tent in the middle of nowhere!

Wait, forget that, I am sat down.

By the way, all of the above was sarcasm.

I really, _really, _do NOT want to go camping right now.

In fact I don't ever want to go camping.

You know why?

Because it is just too crap, like... really?

I mean, we're vampires. I haven't slept for yonks. And I really don't see the joy in sitting up all night in a pathetic excuse for a tent.

Apparantly it will be good 'bonding' time. But somehow the words 'bonding' and 'tent' don't quite go hand in hand.

"We're all going on a, summer holiday!" Santiago turned up the volume on the radio and tapped his fingers on the steering wheel.

He grinned at me.

"C'mon Jane, sing along!"

I carried on sulking.

He sighed.

"Are you gonna be like this for the whole holiday?"

I laughed when he said holiday.

"What?"

I shrugged.

He sighed again.

"Gee Jane, I know what I did was wrong, but I have already explained... hm. I am really really sorry Jane."

He looked at me.

"Mmmm."

"Please forgive me. With a cherry on top."

"I don't like cherries."

"Okay then... with a fat, juicy human on top?"

"Oo-er."

He laughed.

"Am I forgiven?"

"I'll think about it."

He grinned again and turned up the volume even more.

"Dadadada.. sunshine, lollipops!"

I looked meaningfully out of the car window.

It was raining so hard that the raindrops were actually bouncing off the window.

Eventually, after what seemed like forever, we reached the campsite.

Well this is depressing as hell.

There was one tent being battered in the corner of the field.

That was it.

Well this is gonna be fun fun fun!

I stayed in the car whilst Santiago ran to the reception to check in.

I searched the field with my eyes, trying to find some kind of life.

Nope, nuffin.

After a few minutes Santiago came bounding back out holding something.

He hopped into the driver's seat and slammed the door with such force there was a mini earthquake in the van.

"Here ya go!"

He handed me what he was holding (no).

I opened it up and stared at it.

"What is the point in this?" I asked.

It was a really crap hand drawn map.

Blimey, it looked like it had been drawn by a kinder.

I stared at Santiago.

"They actually have a map for this? A map to help you navigate your way around a _field_?"

He nodded.

"Christ on a bike. Humans are just SO stupid!"

I carried on complaining as Santiago failed to reverse into our "camping pitch".

He hit the bush about three or four times before settling on leaving the van at a 45 degree angle.

What a giblet.

He rubbed his hands together and looked at me.

"Right then. Let's get the tent up! You excited?"

"No."

"Suit yourself."

He stuck his tongue out at me before hopping out of the van and faceplanting the muddy puddle we'd so gracefully parked in.

For a vampire, he really doesn't have very good balancing techniques.

Not that I care.

I decided to stay in the van and watch Santiago fail so badly at pitching our tent.

I'd just like to point out that the tent was crap, by the way.

It was a stupid green colour and was really tidgy.

Hm.

The rain stopped after a bit, but the gale force winds didn't.

It was actually quite a lol-worthy site watching him fail at putting up our tent that we weren't going to use or sleep in because:

a. We don't sleep.

and

b. It was so windy no man alive could even SIT in it, let alone sleep in it.

I sighed.

After a long while of putting the poles in the wrong place and frig, the tent was finally (half) up.

I got out of the van and was immediately annoyed by the fact that the wind was blowing my hair left right and centre.

Hair does not taste nice.

Eventually I got my hair under enough control to see that the tent was just... a maHOOsive fail.

Since when did a tent have a droopy bit in the middle?

I said that.

"Since when did a tent have a droopy bit in the middle?"

Santiago scratched his head and stood back to 'admire' his crap work.

He shrugged.

"Dunno."

Dear God.

Blimey, the winds were getting stronger.

Hurricane much?

I decided to get back in the van.

Through the window I could hear Santiago whistling as he fiddled with the poles (oo-er) and crap.

I looked out to see him stood with his hands on his hips as he watched the tent fly off into the distance.

How hilarious.

My ribs ache.

Santiago was most mortified.

I wound down the window to see what he had to say about the enormous fail that had just taken place.

He was just stood in the middle of the field with a puzzled look on his face.

I stopped laughing long enough to use my amazing skill of being funny.

"GUTTED LIKE A PREGNANT NUN!"

He swizzed around and stared at me before looking back at the now very distant shape of what was going to be our tent.

I started laughing again.

He walked over to my window.

"Right, be back in a jiff."

I watched in amazement as he jogged off to try and retrieve our tent.

Wow, we'd only been here ten minutes and were already experiencing a holiday fail.

Eventually he came bounding back and had a bit of an argy bargy with the tent, since he was trying to shove it back into the van.

I got out of the van to go and ask if we could go home now.

"Oh hell no girl! We'll just sleep in the back of the van!"

Fuck my actual life.

"We don't need to sleep."

"You know what I mean."

"I don't."

"You do."

"Look I am not staying in the back of the van. Can't we just go back? There is absolutely zilch here. Nuthin. I don't care about the Italian countryside, it's fucking crap. I wanted to see if Aro is still going to be in charge of the whole Volturi frig, I heard they're gonna have an election to decide a new one... and well, I have high hopes for my future."

He laughed and patted my head.

"Don't you worry my little sausage."

I groaned and got into the back of the van. My new home for tonight.

Yay.

"Right, I was thinking of putting something up across the door, because we'll need a bit of air."

"We won't."

But he ignored me and carried faffing around until he found something which was bright yellow and canvas material.

He carried on faffing around by trying to put it across the van door entry whatever.

"There seems to be a distinctive lack of toggles on this side..."

I looked at him.

"AHA! Boom we have lift off!"

He patted the canvas thing.

"There, that's in nice and snugly- ah."

The canvas thing fell out of the hole he'd put it in.

I decided to ignore him and picked up the Vogue which just so happened to be in the back of the van.

This was so crap.

Santiago carried on muttering to himself.

"That was just all wrong. Forwards backwards and inside out."

Eventually the canvas thing was in place. It was a bit lopsided at one side but I didn't say anything because I knew he'd throw a hissy fit.

He clapped his hands and started throwing duvets at me.

"What is the point." I mumbled from under a pile of duvets.

"Thought I'd make it snuggly and cosy!" He said.

After a year or so of fiddling around with the duvets to make the back of the van seem more 'homely' - how the back of a van can be 'homely' I'll never know - he finally plonked himself down next to me so he could lean back and admire his work.

"There we go! I'm quite proud of that actually. Nice and snuggly."

I ignored him and carried on reading my Vogue.

"Time for the barbeque!"

I looked at him.

"Have you lost your mind?"

"What?"

"A barbeque? Really?"

"Yeah! Camping experience!"

"Santiago. We don't eat. And it's a friggin hurricane out there."

He poked his head out of the canvas.

"It's calmed down now."

He dragged out the barbeque from like, nowhere, and plonked it down outside somewhere.

This was just way too crap.

I got bored after a while so I decided to venture out of the van.

I was rather concerned about the fact that he was talking to the sausages.

"You are a beauty!"

"Thankyou."

"Not you, the sausage! Yes my son!"

"Well then."

I sat down in the crap camping chair he'd put up for no reason.

"Ah, cooking nicely I see, yep. Ay, AY! Stop arguing."

Oh the horror.

Someone's smoke alarm set off. I can't say I was surprised, it was like the Fire of London all over again.

Smoke city or what.

"Sausage!" I said.

The sausage rolled off the barbeque as this stupid random ass chicken came out of nowhere.

I hissed at it but it was a fatty chicken who wasn't going anywhere until it got it's food.

It pecked at it but burnt it's crap beak by trying to do so.

Owned.

I sat and watched it fail at life for a few moments.

It wasn't giving up on this sausage.

I hissed at again before launching myself off the chair onto the chicken.

Bye bye fatty.

"Good job I thought to put the wind break up." Santiago mumbled to himself.

I wiped my lips with the back of my hand and sat on my chair again.

"Honestly Jane, could you be a bit more ladylike?"

"Nope."

He rolled his eyes.

"Can we put the chicken on the barbeque?" I said.

"I beg your pardon?"

"Can we put the chicken on the barbeque?"

"What? Are you being serious?"

"I'm being very serious."

"Why?"

"Why not?"

"Because don't you think people would notice a fat ass chicken roasting on the barbeque?"

I glanced at the one other tent in the field ironically.

He gritted his teeth.

"Look, if it really is bothering you that much, then I'll bury it later."

I widened my eyes in horror.

"I don't do 'burying'. Burn it."

"Jane you are horrible."

"Well. It's already dead."

"No. I am NOT burning it."

"Well how else are we going to dispose of the body?"

"There shouldn't have been a 'body' to start off with."

"Well the chicken was pissing me off."

"YOU'RE pissing me off!"

Santiago threw his fork on the barbeque, which then fell over onto fatty dead chicken.

I shook my head in mock horror.

"Shame."

"Jane!"

"What are you? A veggie or something? Why do you love chickens so much?"

"I DON'T!"

"Well then."

"Well NOTHING!"

"What is your problem?"

"What is YOUR problem Jane? How would YOU like being burnt? Oh sorry, you already KNOW THAT FEELING."

Silence.

Oh no he didn't.

I looked down at the chicken, which was now burnt to a crisp.

I kicked it.

"You don't know anything about me." I whispered before spitting at the now crispy chicken and running back into the van.

I slammed the door shut and left him there. To think about what he's done.

Idiot.

A few hours later and I'm still sat in the back of the gay van.

I am amazing at sulking, even though it's boring.

I kept hearing Santiago hovering around the door before sighing and walking off again.

He must be bored by now, because I know I am.

This is so crap.

It's also really dark now.

Not that I'm bothered, I can still see everything.

Not that there is anything to see.

But you know.

I really wanted to go home. I thought about it but there was no way of getting out of the van without breaking it and attracting unneeded attention OR having to see Santiago.

Sigh.

It's soooooo boring moping.

I miss my brother.

And I even miss Felix and his crappy jokes.

And Demetri. Oh I hate not having anyone to kick for no reason.

Oh and Loopy Old Aro.

And thongy Caius... no.

No. No, no I wouldn't go that far.

Nope.

I heard a bit of rustling and huffing and puffing outside the door.

"Jane? Can I come in?"

I didn't say anything.

"Oh Jane. Look, I am SO SO sorry about what I said. I was just annoyed because I really wanted to cheer you up and make it up to you because of the whole Heidi fandango, but you were still upset, and I understand why now... but look. I honestly didn't mean what I said. I know how horrible it was for you and what I said was horrible and nasty and vile and I understand if you never ever ever want to see or hear me again because of what I said. But, I care about you Jane. I hate seeing you upset... and this time it was all my fault. I really am sorry."

Silence.

I sighed and shifted to open the van door.

Santiago fought his way through the endless amount of toggles and material and crap until he finally got into the van. In the process he hit his head on the roof which I thought was quite funny.

"You deserved it." I said.

"I know."

"What you said was horrible."

"I know..."

"But I've said worse."

"I kno- have you?"

I nodded.

"But I'm not forgiving you that easily..."

He sighed.

"I noticed you haven't had a chance to torture anything over the time that we've spent here..."

I smiled.

He stood up and hit his head again, so he ended up on the floor rolling about with laughter and pain.

"HAHAHA OWWWWWWW! OW! JEEZ-AHHH!"

When I was satisfied with his pain I looked up at the ceiling.

There was now a head shaped dent in the van.

Ah well.

I looked down again to see Santiago sat right in front of me with a huge grin.

I smiled.

"You're forgiven now. I must say, I am quite impressed with your rather high pain threshold."

"Thankyou."

I looked out of the van. It was really dark now.

"What time is it?" I asked.

Santiago shrugged.

"Time to get to bed." He laughed.

"We don't sleep." I reminded him.

"Really? Well I never."

He shut the door behind him and lay down on the duvet frig arrangement next to me.

I lay down too, because I don't think that my nostrils are the most attractive thing on this earth.

"Well I'm exhausted from all of this camping fun." I said.

Santiago turned his head to look at me.

"I know right?"

I rolled over and looked at him.

"That is the ultimate conversation killer." I said.

"Haha I know..."

"You were going to say it again then haha."

"Yeah... I know-" He slapped his hand over his mouth.

I laughed.

"You should do that more often."

"Do what?"

"Close your mouth."

"Says you!"

"Says me." I smiled.

I looked away.

"What are all the duvets for?" I asked.

"Well I thought it would make it more comfortable... and... um, homely?"

Then it clicked.

Oh my God.

I sat up.

"OHMIGOD!"

Santiago frowned.

"Oh my God! How could I have been so stupid? Oh... my..." I stared at him in shock.

Santiago could only laugh.

"Hahah I see what this is about now... all of this, the camping fandango, the van... oh my! I cannot believe how stupid I am! But really... oh my gosh... I've never... have... I don't know if-ah mmph!"

He was now snogging me.

I hate it when that happens.

It's just his way to shut me up me thinks.

I don't know.

Dear Jane's brain, please, for once in your crap life, can you just be normal about all of this? Gee... you are so stupid.

Sending messages to my own brain?

Wow.

I've tipped over the edge.

Santiago ran his fingers through my hair and pulled me closer...

Damn.

I guess I should...

Oh I don't know.

What should I do?

How do I know?

Mmmmmm...

But I guess as they all say...

All's well that ends well.

I think that's how it goes.

I don't know.

Who are 'they' anyway?

I'll don't think I'll ever know.

Ciao...

Jane Volturi.

**

* * *

**

The longest chapter I've ever written.

**And the last chapter I've ever written - for this story.. :'(**

**Next chapter is an author's note, but if you can't be arsed to read it then...**

**Thankyou for all of the amazing reviews and so on, I quite literally do, love you all. :D **


	51. FINALE: AUTHOR'S NOTE!

**Final Author's Note:**

_So, that's the end of this story... :'(_

_But seriously, thankyou so so much to everyone who's favourited/reviewed this story, I honestly never ever thought I'd get as many reviews as I did, and all of your lovely reviews made me want to write even more haha. _

_And please, don't cry. A sequel to Jane's Diary is coming soon! *one woman Mexican wave* _

_In the meantime I'll tend to update my other stories more frequently, mainly "I Facebooked Your Mum" (yeah) and "A Day In The Life Of Alec"._

_And I'm in the middle of writing a two part Twilight fanfic which I'll give more detail about later._

_Ah! End of my ramble._

_But in all seriousness, I actually do love you all. :D _

_Very much. :)_

_With much love and happiness and... frig._

_- Greta. _

_:)_


	52. ONE YEAR ON! Sorry chaps

Yooooooooo guys!

So um, yeah it's been a while.

A year? I don't know...

I know I like, promised to um, continue this diary but I kind of got busy with my exams and got stressed and things have changed and happened over the past twelve months.

I know that that promise is kind of out the window and I'm sorry about that.

I didn't forget you, promise! (yeah really)

Do people still read fanfiction? I hope so.

I started stuff then didn't finish it because I was either lazy or stressed or... yeah.

I'm gonna start doing more stuff for fanfiction cos' it'll help me with my English exam sooo if you have any ideas or questions or gossip or requests or whatever, let me know!

I hope you are all still alive and well.

Many thanks.

Greta. :D


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